Mine has ADHD and is a workaholic. We came close to divorce until we hired a live in nanny. Worth every penny. She does everything I can't do but is less stressed about it.

OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I switched to a work from home job three years ago, and it's been a sanity saver. My husband has a TBI, which resulted in epilepsy, migraines, and later depression. It's been a rough road, but he's working on managing everything, and being the best person he can be. Which largely is being complaint with medications, rest, and stress relief.

We have teenagers, so we don't need child care. Being home for teens is also good.

It's not an easy road, but being at home really helps. The key point in my situation is that my husband recognizes his limitations and diagnosis, and is trying to be the best husband and father. TRYING is important.

Op here, kids are 6 and 4. We now have an afternoon nanny/driver/cook, who can help in the mornings if I or he has to travel. I know my travel well ahead of time, usually 1-2 days a month, one long trip a year where we fly in grandparents. He can’t handle the kids- they massively act up even on vacations with him around now.

Family and friends who travel or spend time with us are beginning to ask if there is something wrong or if he is in the spectrum — never listens, LLC of foresight/judgement, literally doesn’t respond to people, no empathy/emotions, yet high IQ in chosen area (work). His father, uncles, brother are the same. Not clear if they have the angry outbursts in private tho.
I think he’d research and game a neuropsych test. He lied to his GP to make it out to anxiety and then at the center, researched ADHD and said he just needs help remembering things. Why don’t these places talk to family members?

PP - who now works from home again.

I think first you have to ask yourself if you want to remain married. I cannot tell if you still love your husband and want to make it work, or if you are so done that this marriage cannot be salvaged. You might not even know yourself. Right now it is clear that you are overwhelmed trying to manage work, kids, and your husband's career, plus his outbursts and other untreated symptoms. He may need you to be very clear in your limitations/options, so that perhaps it pushes him to manage his issues.

1) The relationship stays the same, and he doesn't seek further help.
Decide: a) Get divorced and keep the same job, (note this option likely means he will be 100% on his own with the kids when he has visitation/custody); b) stay married, keep same job, stay miserable and overwhelmed; c) stay married, look for a new work from home job. Possibly remain miserable and overwhelmed.

2) Husband goes back to the doctor, with you. Both of you talk about the clear issues and find some treatment options. Once he is compliant with the treatment plan, hopefully things will get better. Maybe they get better, but the bridges have burned, and you still move on. That's okay too, but at least you tried to leave him in a good place, and you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage.

I wouldn't make career moves unless you know, for certain, you want to stay married, and it eases your burdon.

If you want to stay at home, and continue to manage him -- great. But make that decision with a level head, and really give it your all to save your marriage, because it can be difficult to get back in the job market (though not impossible).

If you are even considering divorce, you need to keep your job, or even find a better one.

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

I switched to a work from home job three years ago, and it's been a sanity saver. My husband has a TBI, which resulted in epilepsy, migraines, and later depression. It's been a rough road, but he's working on managing everything, and being the best person he can be. Which largely is being complaint with medications, rest, and stress relief.

We have teenagers, so we don't need child care. Being home for teens is also good.

It's not an easy road, but being at home really helps. The key point in my situation is that my husband recognizes his limitations and diagnosis, and is trying to be the best husband and father. TRYING is important.

Op here, kids are 6 and 4. We now have an afternoon nanny/driver/cook, who can help in the mornings if I or he has to travel. I know my travel well ahead of time, usually 1-2 days a month, one long trip a year where we fly in grandparents. He can’t handle the kids- they massively act up even on vacations with him around now.

Family and friends who travel or spend time with us are beginning to ask if there is something wrong or if he is in the spectrum — never listens, LLC of foresight/judgement, literally doesn’t respond to people, no empathy/emotions, yet high IQ in chosen area (work). His father, uncles, brother are the same. Not clear if they have the angry outbursts in private tho.
I think he’d research and game a neuropsych test. He lied to his GP to make it out to anxiety and then at the center, researched ADHD and said he just needs help remembering things. Why don’t these places talk to family members?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leanly! Not meanly- tho they may be taking advantage of him.

He comes home spent and crashes in the couch at 8pm.

I have to run and do everything, decide everything, execute most everything unless I babystep it for him with reminders.

op

Keep doing this. Take over EVERYTHING. Stop expecting him to be able to handle anything related to the kids.

Meanwhile, meet with a lawyer and start working on an exit plan. But you need to be sure he won't have custody of the kids, at least never on his own.

+1000

I’d add therapy to this as well. Ask your lawyer for one for how to deal with this type of defective person plus if you do serve him papers he sounds like he could get ugly.

Anonymous wrote:Leanly! Not meanly- tho they may be taking advantage of him.

He comes home spent and crashes in the couch at 8pm.

I have to run and do everything, decide everything, execute most everything unless I babystep it for him with reminders.

op

Keep doing this. Take over EVERYTHING. Stop expecting him to be able to handle anything related to the kids.

Meanwhile, meet with a lawyer and start working on an exit plan. But you need to be sure he won't have custody of the kids, at least never on his own.

OP, how old are your kids?

Why would you staying at home help keep them safe from your husband? Is your husband (with the long hours at work) also taking care of the kids during the day? What's your childcare situation?

Right now, you have to travel for work? How often?

Do not divorce this man until you have a plan for keeping your kids safe. I agree with others - you should hire a sitter or better yet, put the kids in daycare or aftercare close to your job so you are the one who picks up and drops them off. Get them away from the house and away from your husband as much as possible.

Anonymous wrote:But the lying and omitting and lashing out to hide ADHD mistakes is where things get toxic.

He needs treatment stat. That or a simple life of work, eat, sleep and no responsibilities like a wife, kids, house or schedule.

But even if OP stayed home to fully take over everything and avoid more of his accidents, it will not be rewarding as he won’t be thankful, and if something happens to Op — even a broken leg— it’s game over. He’ll act out.

But the lying and omitting and lashing out to hide ADHD mistakes is where things get toxic.

He needs treatment stat. That or a simple life of work, eat, sleep and no responsibilities like a wife, kids, house or schedule.

Np. Even ADHD inattentive is no joke to be around 24/7/365.

Anonymous wrote:Posters, re-read all the horrible judgments you're making on OP's husband who has mental issues he CAN NOT control without help. God forbid your kid grows up to have brain disorders or marry someone with them. It is not a moral failing.

Most of you seem oblivious to the fact that bipolar can develop due to medical conditions and isn't always inherited etc. Furthermore, many with bipolar are extraordinarily smart, extroverted, charismatic etc. so don't judge OP for falling in love with someone that likely displayed this to her.

OP I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I do agree, leaving your job right now may not be the best idea. Structuring in some sort of therapy/medical visits for your husband sounds like a good idea although it's of course easier said than done. I would do no more than cut back but only if absolutely necessary. Find a way to get your husband on board with treatment especially meds. Is he open to trying things like: keto diet (anti-inflammatory), taking melatonin and CBD, vit D and magnesium at night etc? That could help jump start things as he's likely to balk at the time therapy would require based on his partner status.

Good luck OP - I hope you can find a solution and give it a shot before leaving the marriage.

First of all, "BPD" usually refers to borderline personality disorder. Secondly, the recommended treatment for the things OP lists are NOT "keto diet, melatonin, CBD, vitamin D and magnesium." If you would like to talk about treating mental health issues as real issues, don't suggest things like this. Those things might be helpful, but they're not the recommended treatment for these issues.

More broadly, being married to a person who has the issues that OP mentions is mentally and emotionally exhausting. They often are fairly unpleasant to be around and it is not uncommon for their partners and children to struggle. When people are mean to you, it is hard to be loving toward them.

You sound like you don't know all that much about OP's situation, nor does it sound like you are sympathetic to it.

OP - It would seem that if your husband is on medication, that it is not working and needs to be tweaked so I would make it a primary goal to get him to his psychiatrist for an evaluation of his present state, but trying an approach which will work with him. Probably best to start to see if medication will get his system in a better pattern and possibly make him more amenable to some therapy. The need for medication or a reevaluation seems to be the most pressing things that he might do for himself.

In your situation, I would try to set up your work day as if you were a single parent and right now while he has the high earnings especially, just put them in an excellent day care program to cover the hours that you work — all the hours so there is little need to involve your husband. If he objects, just say that your re doing this to reduce his stress level on the family end AND for the children’s safety. I do not see a sitter working out too well in the home if he has such obnoxious behaviors. If your kids are safe, then your stress at work should be lessened. Folks would also say to outsource things if you can such as gettting a person or service to clean the house, hire a yard service.

At the same time, it is time for you to get at least one credit card in your own name to establish some separate credit. Also, you should find a way to get a savings account in your own name and perhaps have monthly reports come to via a separate email account so he would not be aware of it. It would also be wise for you to be fully informed about your family’s finances so that you can tell if he is over charging or over spending on things you do not know about. It might be wise for you to at least speak with a lawyer to understand your rights and how one would proceed if you do feel the mental health stressors increase.

Posters, re-read all the horrible judgments you're making on OP's husband who has mental issues he CAN NOT control without help. God forbid your kid grows up to have brain disorders or marry someone with them. It is not a moral failing.

Most of you seem oblivious to the fact that bipolar can develop due to medical conditions and isn't always inherited etc. Furthermore, many with bipolar are extraordinarily smart, extroverted, charismatic etc. so don't judge OP for falling in love with someone that likely displayed this to her.

OP I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I do agree, leaving your job right now may not be the best idea. Structuring in some sort of therapy/medical visits for your husband sounds like a good idea although it's of course easier said than done. I would do no more than cut back but only if absolutely necessary. Find a way to get your husband on board with treatment especially meds. Is he open to trying things like: keto diet (anti-inflammatory), taking melatonin and CBD, vit D and magnesium at night etc? That could help jump start things as he's likely to balk at the time therapy would require based on his partner status.

Good luck OP - I hope you can find a solution and give it a shot before leaving the marriage.

I agree with the others, do not quit your job because you may need it in case of divorce.

Hire the most reliable/competent nanny (or multiple nannies) you can find to help you.

How old are your kids?

I switched to a work from home job three years ago, and it's been a sanity saver. My husband has a TBI, which resulted in epilepsy, migraines, and later depression. It's been a rough road, but he's working on managing everything, and being the best person he can be. Which largely is being complaint with medications, rest, and stress relief.

We have teenagers, so we don't need child care. Being home for teens is also good.

It's not an easy road, but being at home really helps. The key point in my situation is that my husband recognizes his limitations and diagnosis, and is trying to be the best husband and father. TRYING is important.