Why do you have soda in the house? Maybe you can compromise and say "Soda only when we eat out". Soda is terrible for their teeth.

So much of this boils down to you choosing your battles. If you think that your kids won't be watching t.v. and drinking soda at their friends' houses, think again. All of these rigid rules that you are coming up with are going to broken often and repeatedly as your kids get older. The best thing you can do is attempt to establish some clear, consistent and reasonable rules. If you have lots of "Nos!" and "Nevers!" across the board, your kids are going to learn to break your rules. They just will.

We discussed things before having kids so we would be on the same page.

If you had fewer rules, he might have an easier time enforcing them. You don't seem to realize that his approach is a realistic parenting style. Your pediatrician/family are reflecting back what you already believe is correct, but there are many ways to raise kids. He doesn't want to pick a fight with you but his approach (for example, taking the mystique out of smoking) is really really smart, and will pay off bigtime when the child is feeling peer pressure to smoke and doesn't have to be sneaky about it)
You really need to have a heart-to-heart with him, really get him to open up about why he thinks his approach might be just as valid.
I say this as one who was in your shoes, and looking back wish I could have the perspective I now have.

OP here. I get what some of you are saying about being more accepting of his style, but I fee like I already do that quite a bit. Yes, maybe I need to do a better job sometimes of not showing disapproval when he goes over the agreed-upon screen time limit or brings home a couple of 2-liter bottles of Coke after he has agreed not to keep soda in the house, but I just get irritated because, as someone said, I feel like he’s not respecting me and not doing what’s best for the kids. I get that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, and that I should chill, but I feel like I do that a lot already, and that I’ve given up on a lot of stuff. Other examples: I gave up on the idea of the kids bathing every day because it was only me enforcing it and he didn’t think it was a big deal. So now, if I’m not home, he almost never has the kids shower before bed instead of watching tv (because it’s unpleasant and hard to make them step away from the tv to shower, because they will complain and resist, and so he doesn’t do it). And so now we have one kid who now never wants to bathe, and it’s a battle every time. Yeah, don’t sweat the small stuff...but there are things that need to happen (i.e., bathing). And the not intervening in fights really bothers me...sometimes I will hear the older one say to him, “daddy, do something!” Or “daddy, tell her to stop!” (In reference to the younger one who tends to be more aggressive). Also, he recently told my 10YO that if she ever wants to try smoking, she should come to him so that he could supervise. (This really bothered me a lot!!) I can’t always be the one with 100% of the burden of doing the hard stuff. It’s making me crazy, it’s affecting my relationship with my kids (“mommy, you’re the serious one and daddy’s the fun one”), it’s causing me to resent my DH. And also, I just think a lot of things about his approaches are wrong. And I’m not the only one who has agreed...the counselors have, and the pediatrician has. But it’s getting harder to decide which things to take a stand on, and which things to “chill” about. Also, my family (parents, siblings) and even his parents have talked to us about how they think the kids are undisciplined heathens (they don’t use those words, of course). My reaction is that we need to re-examine our approaches, but DH’s reaction is not to sweat it.

Anonymous wrote:One thing Op is to be able to accept the compromise without making a fuss or rolling eyes or letting people know you are compromising. The fact your DH runs to turn off the TV when you come in means you haven't really compromised as the compromise still comes with disapproval.

This.
I empathize with your husband, OP. I am also a pretty easy going, type B person. It’s kind of stressful to know that when your spouse comes home they are ready to cast a disapproving eye over whatever is going on in the house. If you are playing a video game with them, or we are having pizza at the pool for dinner (no vegetables! staying until 9pm!), or the kids are outside playing, but they start fighting.
Maybe start with just accepting your husband’s parenting style. You may find that your household is actually better off.

People are commenting about how she doesn’t seem to respect her husband but what about his respect for her? He doesn’t seem to be showing his kids that he respects her. He’s undermining her and sounds like she’s already compromised quite a bit.

OP, question; are you an only child or only have sisters? Also are your children boys?

My 8 year old doesnt fall asleep until nearly 10 in the summer. It doesnt get dark until 9. My kid has a really active day but just xant go to sleep if the sun is up. My kids wake and sleep with the sun regardless of the time of year, due to few acreens ans artificial lights.

Whats wrong with your kid knowing you and their Dad have a different opinion. My kids know i have way more rules than their Dad. It sounds like youbare makijg a problem when there isnt one. What do you think will happen if you get divorced? If he has 50/50 custody your kids would really have no rules. RELAX!

One thing Op is to be able to accept the compromise without making a fuss or rolling eyes or letting people know you are compromising. The fact your DH runs to turn off the TV when you come in means you haven't really compromised as the compromise still comes with disapproval.

I think your DH is not pulling his parenting weight. The responsibility of parents is to do the right thing, not the popular thing. The popular thing is the easy road. Sure, you can argue about whether some of these things are all that bad.

IMHO 9.30/10 is way too late for an eight year old to stay up. Kids should learn to eat vegetables - or at least try them and be polite about it. Physical violence should not be tolerated in a loving home. All of these things are hard to enforce but necessary. Your DH is being lazy.

20:15 again, the best thing to do is take advantage of the time before kids become stubborn, cool-obsessed teens: find work-arounds that make compliance fun, even silly. Race up the stairs to bed, get them to play with the food they refuse to eat (dissect the broccoli, eat salad with pliers, make a 'toblerone' for an orange (cut off both ends, slice one side and spread it open to reveal the wedges), distract them from screen time with more fun stuff (play-reading, airplane, visit an animal shelter, word games, etc.)
One of the things I'm most ashamed of was my husband refused to let our youngest sleep in our room, ever. If we had just let him he would have grown out of it but no, it was a never-ending battle that nobody could win. I should have made sleeping in his own room seem fun and desirable instead of making a big deal out of a stupid rule.

I’m more lenient than my DH about a lot of things and I often say to the kids that “dad said no” in an effort to back him up. It’s like, dad said no, so the answer is no. It hadn’t occurred to me that he might feel like I’m blaming him for it, but that’s something I’ll ask him about now. Just maybe a different perspective on something your DH does. Sounds like maybe a different context though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, including the counseling. Honestly, in 20/20 hindsight, kids do best with a minimum of rules, the important ones only (safety, homework before playtime, please and thank you) and leave the rest to inspiration and examples you set. I obsessed about limiting screen time, eating healthy, and DH obsessed about cleanliness and behavior. Kids were nervous wrecks and still are as young adults. My advice: chill out and enjoy life, that's the best thing you can do for your kids.

OP here. Thanks. I definitely have had to relax my ideas about how things should be, in a lot of ways. For example, kids are up until 930, sometimes 10...that's something I never thought I would be able to adjust to, but I did. Also, one of our kids will not eat a single vegetable. Not a single one. I'm trying not to worry about that, either. But sometimes the signals I get from others show me that these things are problems. For example, our pediatrician was very concerned when I had to explain that one of our kids refuses to eat vegetables. And when we visit grandparents, I can tell that they're shocked when the kids are still up at 930, 10.

Mine are up later. Not a big deal and not all kids need huge amounts of sleep. With food, keep trying but that's not Dad's fault any more than yours. Some kids are picky eaters. If they eat fruit, I wouldn't worry about veggies as much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you set the rules and expect hi to enforce them.

It would be better if you worked together to find a set of rules that both parent feel is reasonable. You will both have to give to make that work. You might have to accept more soda or screen time than you would if you were a single parent. He will have to accept less screen time and less soda than if he was a single parent.

He should never feel he has to turn off the TV when you walk in. That kind of policing just causes resentment to build. Neither of you should be undermining the other. If you come home and the TV is on or kid has a soda, there shouldn't be any reaction and if you get asked and say no, he should back that up. Right now you are working against each other.

You need to see his easy going nature as a positive, as a balance to your personality. An equal partner isn't someone who does things your way.

OP here. Thank you, I agree with what you've said. I agree that I need to compromise on some rules and elements, and I think I do. Our kids have way more screen time than I am comfortable with (about 3-4 hrs/day in the summertime), and I feel like that's been a huge compromise way outside of my comfort zone on my end.

I agree that I need to remind myself that his easygoing nature is often a good thing for the kids.

As long as they are doing activities or doing something physical, more screen time in the summer is fine.