I’m guessing OP also doesn’t 2/3 of the child and household management. I earn about 55-60% of our income, have to spend about 5-10 hours a week more at the office than he does plus travel about 3 nights a month, yet I’m still the one dealing with school homework and projects, scheduling dr appts, coordinating activities, planning menus and ordering groceries (he cooks), coordinating household help, etc. He’s never been willing to put forth the effort to step up his career or cut back on expenses (the latest is that it’s time to replace his car and he’s insisting on something nice vs something mediocre). This income/career issue has put a huge strain on our marriage and I fantasize about leaving him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

You realize getting pregnant and breastfeeding are both choices, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

I'm sure you were soooooo pressured into having kids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

Are you talking about baby fever? Men are making you have babies? Lol

Have YOU looked at other jobs? Maybe there is a job with a similar salary you could apply for.

If he already knows his job could end, it's probably better for him to get resumes, cover letters and applications out there vs trying to prevent hisnjob from ending. I don't know anyone who was able to save their job after they saw the writing on the wall.

Anonymous wrote:Call his bluff. Find a lower pressure/pay job you want and beginning making the adjustments necessary to afford the paycut. Either, he will will step up and fill the gap or he won't and you all will just have to make do with less. Right now, he has no incentive to step up because you are not stepping back. If he wants the lifestyle afforded by the high-pressure/pay job, and you stop providing it, he will figure out a way to make it happen. Of course, if it turns out that you are the one that really wants the lifestyle and he does not care, then you may need to re-evaluate whether he is really the problem and what exactly is keeping you trapped.

Sounds like she's trying to look out for the kids and he isn't.

Anonymous wrote:Scale back your lifestyle and then look for a lower pressure job. This seems obvious. Not sure why it's so difficult to see a path forward. Most men deal with this kind of work and income pressure all day, every day.

This.

I outearned my XH. I still outearn him. He was not willing to live in a rental or stop eating out. I am now married a man who values my mental health more.

Call his bluff. Find a lower pressure/pay job you want and beginning making the adjustments necessary to afford the paycut. Either, he will will step up and fill the gap or he won't and you all will just have to make do with less. Right now, he has no incentive to step up because you are not stepping back. If he wants the lifestyle afforded by the high-pressure/pay job, and you stop providing it, he will figure out a way to make it happen. Of course, if it turns out that you are the one that really wants the lifestyle and he does not care, then you may need to re-evaluate whether he is really the problem and what exactly is keeping you trapped.

Guy here and I feel the same

Anonymous wrote:welcome to equality. That is how men have felt for ever. All the pressure to bring in the income.

And men feel pressure to give up their bodies 100% for 5 years while being pregnant and breastfeeding (not being able to eat what you want, go where you want, do what you want, etc) and then they also feel pressure to give up their bodies 50-80% for the rest of their lives after that, because, let's face it, most women's bodies never go back to being anything even close to how they were before kids (weight gain, stretch marks, lumps and bumps everywhere, veins, saggy boobs, not to mention all sorts of problems with functioning 'down there')?? Is that what you're saying? And that's not even starting with all the associated physical pain.

Let me know when men are signing up for that other stuff. I'll trade.

Welcome to a man's world. This is something else isn't it

Man here and I am sympathetic to OP.

We can chirp all we want about equality but even though men and women are equal we are not the same. it's not a good dynamic for women to be pulling harder at work and making more money if the man isn't working at least as hard. OP said she was hoping to cut back, so he needs to step up.

It's obviously beyond obnoxious when the trolls here ask "did you get fat/stop putting out" but there is a less obnoxious truth that men are primarily attracted to looks and women to power and ambition. Each side can turn a blind eye to that dynamic at their own peril.

Agree with others need to see an actual budget but either way he needs to get motivated.

Budget or no help/sympathy.

Numbers would be helpful here. Are you barely making ends meet, or living a nice UMC lifestyle with lots of $ for extras etc? It matters. Also which of you has more expensive tastes/preferences?

I ask because this is DH and me in reverse. He doesn’t hate his job though. He has by far more “expensive”’tastes, doesn’t want to have to live on a tight budget or sacrifice etc- he’d rather work harder and have more freedom to spend. I am by far the lower earner but have much lower lifestyle expectations. I’d be fine with moving to a smaller house in a lesser neighborhood (more in line with my income abilities). Is there any of this happening in your marriage? Just wondering.

We are happy the way things are but DH knows he can scale back work anytime he wants.