Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 15:00     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
I prefer being the plan maker because I have higher standards than most, so when others take the wheel I'm usually (privately--I'd never outwardly express it!) disappointed. Don't read too deep into it. If people eagerly accept your invite, then you're just friends with people who hate planning/like when others do all the heavy lifting for them. Don't resent them for it, just understand them (my husband belongs in this category). It's the people who decline regularly or just flat out flake that you need to look out for. They're the people who don't actually want to be your friend, so take the hint and move on.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 15:00     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
I'm not a big initiator. I'm an introvert, so my need for socializing is probably much less than yours. So we get together one weekend and I'm probably good for another month or so. Then I'd probably start thinking I should contact Jane, it's been a while...but if you're someone who likes more frequent socializing, you've probably contacted me before I hit that point. And I'll accept because I like you and if my schedule is free, but I would have reached out later left to my own devices. So perhaps you're just operating on different frequencies than your friends.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 14:50     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
You sound like my SIL, OP. I would make plans, but I'm not ready to think about a family bbq two months in advance. So by the time, I'd be ready to make plans two weeks in advance or sometimes even day of, plans are already made or you're busy because you're always booked out a few months in advance. I don't like to live my life like that.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 14:35     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
OP - I am the same as you. I actually think the vast majority of the world is quite introverted, shy, and/or lacks self-confidence. I am none of those things, so I regularly invite people for social gatherings and they often say "thank you so much for organizng!" It is then that I realize that most people like to be asked but are too scared/worried to do the asking for whatever reason. It doesn't actually bother me, though, because I like planning and being social. I assume if someone doesn't want to hang out, they will make up an excuse not to and I will get the message.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 14:03     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, we're currently living in a tiny rental waiting for our house to be finished, so it's been hard for me to initiate plans with people at my kids' school unless it's something we can do out of the house (and then I'm asking them to pay for an activity unless we do something free like a park, which we have done). But we can't host people for meals (we literally have four chairs and four people in our family and that's it) and even having people over for a play date is so hard because there is nowhere to go. Once we have our house it will be different, and I can't wait to have people over, but right now it's tough for me to initiate plans and then expect for people to host us. So just consider that others have reasons for not initiating and be grateful that everyone seems to say yes when you ask!


I have an acquaintance like this. She lives in an apartment (permanently) and refuses to host. She's always really upset when she's not invited and she'll often grill me about if there were events she wasn't invited to. She's insinuated that everyone else should always host her and her daughter because we have houses. I straight up told her that she could invite us for a playdate at a splash pad, a bounce house place or even a big meetup at a playground. It's been 4 years now of the rest of us hosting her constantly and she never once hosted.


I'm the PP. I certainly have never asked someone why I wasn't invited to anything, and I have made plans to host after we move into our house next month, but I've also never had my friends be anything but kind about hosting us for meals or play dates at their houses because they understand the situation we're in. So, it sounds like the person you know is just rude, which there is no excuse for, but I was just stating to OP that sometimes it's hard to know how people feel about initiating play dates when you're not in their shoes. Whether it's their living situation, their introverted nature, or something else. Don't hang out with them if you don't want to, or be hurt if you want to, or just let it go.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 12:57     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The truth? I don't like you very much. So I never invite you, and if you invite me we'll go if we have no other plans. Over the years I've found out that FOUR people thought we were best friends, and I considered none of them MY best friend.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're pleasant. You're just ... a little dull for me. So I don't seek you out.


Ok, now mean girl~


OP again. It's okay. I'm a lot of things, but dull is definitely not one of them. I'm absolutely confident in that. So...mean girls gonna mean, but she's definitely off-base on this one.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 12:47     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:The truth? I don't like you very much. So I never invite you, and if you invite me we'll go if we have no other plans. Over the years I've found out that FOUR people thought we were best friends, and I considered none of them MY best friend.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're pleasant. You're just ... a little dull for me. So I don't seek you out.


Ok, now mean girl~
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 12:40     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
The truth? I don't like you very much. So I never invite you, and if you invite me we'll go if we have no other plans. Over the years I've found out that FOUR people thought we were best friends, and I considered none of them MY best friend.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're pleasant. You're just ... a little dull for me. So I don't seek you out.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 10:20     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Introvert here. I tend to be invited more than I invite- and I appreciate it SO much when someone invites me to socialize. Fear of the word "no" intimidates me from asking others to get together, so I always like it when someone takes the initiative for a friendship. But also part of being an introvert is that I like to be alone and tend to not socialize unless someone else asks me first. Please try to not take it personally. Only take it personally if the people repeatedly tell you "no" to hanging out.


+1


+2
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 10:14     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:Introvert here. I tend to be invited more than I invite- and I appreciate it SO much when someone invites me to socialize. Fear of the word "no" intimidates me from asking others to get together, so I always like it when someone takes the initiative for a friendship. But also part of being an introvert is that I like to be alone and tend to not socialize unless someone else asks me first. Please try to not take it personally. Only take it personally if the people repeatedly tell you "no" to hanging out.


+1
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 10:07     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
I think in your case, OP, it really just comes down to nature/what comes naturally to you. I'm like you. I like having a plan, I'm an extrovert, and rarely feel too busy. I tend to initiate bc I like having plans to look forward to. Others are happy to accept plans but it's not like they're looking ahead at the holes in their calendar with any drive to fill them up. They probably accept that things will get scheduled because, hey, they usually do, but it's not a compulsion on their part(as it is somewhat on mine) to make sure their calendars are full. Dh and I differ and I see how happy he is when people each out to him but he rarely initiates because making plans just isn't really ever on his mind.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 09:37     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:Are you difficult? I have two friends who are very difficult and I let them make the plans. Both are really interested in food. When I make a restaurant suggestion, they both will act like I just said Applebees or McDonalds. One's schedule is very tight and she's just always busy.

Otherwise I'm actually the planner in my circles too. It does hurt my feelings, but people genuinely seem to like showing up. I am the planner for a book club, a monthly happy hour club and then a lot of play dates.


OP here - I'd like to think that I'm not "difficult." I have my preferences, like anyone else, but would be happy to go out to the restaurant/playground/whatever of my friend's choosing if they were the ones to initiate. I'm stubborn, but not so stubborn that I'm going to stop initiating plans just to prove a point or see if anyone notices...that would be unfair to my kids and to myself.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 09:03     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Anonymous wrote:OP, we're currently living in a tiny rental waiting for our house to be finished, so it's been hard for me to initiate plans with people at my kids' school unless it's something we can do out of the house (and then I'm asking them to pay for an activity unless we do something free like a park, which we have done). But we can't host people for meals (we literally have four chairs and four people in our family and that's it) and even having people over for a play date is so hard because there is nowhere to go. Once we have our house it will be different, and I can't wait to have people over, but right now it's tough for me to initiate plans and then expect for people to host us. So just consider that others have reasons for not initiating and be grateful that everyone seems to say yes when you ask!


I have an acquaintance like this. She lives in an apartment (permanently) and refuses to host. She's always really upset when she's not invited and she'll often grill me about if there were events she wasn't invited to. She's insinuated that everyone else should always host her and her daughter because we have houses. I straight up told her that she could invite us for a playdate at a splash pad, a bounce house place or even a big meetup at a playground. It's been 4 years now of the rest of us hosting her constantly and she never once hosted.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 08:59     Subject: Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
Are you difficult? I have two friends who are very difficult and I let them make the plans. Both are really interested in food. When I make a restaurant suggestion, they both will act like I just said Applebees or McDonalds. One's schedule is very tight and she's just always busy.

Otherwise I'm actually the planner in my circles too. It does hurt my feelings, but people genuinely seem to like showing up. I am the planner for a book club, a monthly happy hour club and then a lot of play dates.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2019 08:57     Subject: Re:Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
OP, we're currently living in a tiny rental waiting for our house to be finished, so it's been hard for me to initiate plans with people at my kids' school unless it's something we can do out of the house (and then I'm asking them to pay for an activity unless we do something free like a park, which we have done). But we can't host people for meals (we literally have four chairs and four people in our family and that's it) and even having people over for a play date is so hard because there is nowhere to go. Once we have our house it will be different, and I can't wait to have people over, but right now it's tough for me to initiate plans and then expect for people to host us. So just consider that others have reasons for not initiating and be grateful that everyone seems to say yes when you ask!