This time of year is really hard. Most people I know are struggling with their kids these past few weeks - it's SO HOT, the lack of structure (I work and mine are in camp all day, but camp is NOT school and sports practice etc) is getting to them, summer has felt very long, etc. You aren't alone.

I’m sorry, OP. The summer is tough and I think everyone gets on each other’s nerves as the summer goes on. Wondering if there’s some kind of last minute camp, VBS, etc. that the 8 year old and possibly also the 4 year old could go to during at least part of the day. I know I get emails about camps from the indoor play places and they imply there are still some openings - my kid is still too young (still 3 years old) but I’d strongly consider it for next year.

School will be starting soon - just hang in there!

Hugs, OP. Those days are hard and venting is a good short-term solution. From everything that you wrote, I would concentrate on your 8yo. Simply because she is old enough to help you. My now teen went through a “bathroom” phase. Meaning that every time I asked him to do anything, he had to use the bathroom. Another, albeit less popular excuse was homework. This drove me nuts and created all kinds of conflict. What helped in my situation was to start preempting possible responses: “Larlo: are you done with your homework? Do you need to use the bathroom? No? Great. I this case please, do XYZ.” Not sure if there are any parallels you can draw for your situation, but juts throwing It out there.

Good luck!

I vote a big NO on a crib tent. Better to gate the open door.

Had to respond! I have a 9 yo who pulls the same emotional manipulation stuff. It's hard. My DC has some special needs that make it hard to ignore the ploy. But I'm working on calmly and kindly calling out the manipulation and keeping my expectation for cooperation the same.

Thinking ahead to next summer....save up some money so you can put your oldest in camp. Just 3 or 4 weeks, so she's not bored. It's harder than it used to be for kids to stay home. There aren't as many kids around.

I wouldn't use a crib tent, they aren't safe. Can you gate his door so he can't actually leave the room?

Your 8yo sounds exactly like my daughter. She was a very pleasant kid, never much for tantrums or digging in her heels and saying "no!", so so we never thought of her as being particularly strong-willed. We just put any failure to comply with instructions down to her busy, extremely active nature, and would because she was so verbal and curious we found ourselves trying to explain and discuss everything to death.

But at a certain point our preschool director gently pointed out that she was walking all over us in a kind of passive-aggressive way, and had kind of unconsciously figured out exactly how to manipulate us. He recommended this book, and no lie, it changed our lives: https://amzn.to/33fbDcn.

It won't solve your problems in the short-term, of course, but if you start implementing some new strategies it might help you feel like you're doing something proactive. It won't work if you don't stick to it, but the stuff he recommends should help out with all the kids.

It's nothing groundbreaking, mostly boils down to setting out clear expectations and consequences and following through every time, but it helps to understand why certain kids act and react the way they do.

But there's also a section on temperament, and how to adjust to accommodate both the child's and the parent's temperaments. That might actually help a bit in the short term, if it gives you a better understanding of your own reactions to their behavior.

Hang in there!

Anonymous wrote:
The emotional responsiveness and negotiations are too much work you don't need right now. It's either they listen and follow directions, or punishment happens right away. Crack the whip, OP, because if they get to teenage years without healthy respect for you, it's going to be far worse then.

OP, I very much feel for you. I don’t even have 3 or stay home but have many days where I just can’t get past how hard everything is. (Relationship problems in my case add significant stress to the parenting and working and general “adulting” [hate that word but it’s accurate here] type of stuff).

I will say that while I do try to be mindful and respectful of my kids’ feelings and autonomy and personhood, we just don’t tolerate certain behavior. Refusal to clean up toys equals me getting the garbage bag and telling DC if they aren’t going to clean up then the toys will be given to less fortunate kids who will take care of their nice things. I also routinely take away the (small amount! I swear, DCUM!) screen time we allow and we do timeouts. My kids’ father is very strict in this regard and while I grew up with zero discipline and it often seems mean to me...it freaking works. Older DC (5) is generally very well-behaved. Jury’s out on the younger-sibling wildcard as he’s only 16 months but already stubborn as can be. But even he gets stern “NO!”s and removal from situations and basically forced through the motions of cleaning up when he refuses.

Are you getting any treatment for anxiety? It’s best if you can get therapy but in your case I might just tell my primary care doc that I’m going through an exceptionally bad period of anxiety and panic attacks, can’t sleep due to racing thoughts, and ask if they can prescribe something to help. Generic Xanax is much cheaper than a weekly copay for therapy and I’d put the money toward help cleaning and getting a local teen to help out a few hours a day. I see many of them advertising their services in the neighborhood Facebook groups.

Get your 8 year old cleaning. ASAP.

Hire weekly cleaners.

Don’t have more kids. There is a reason most women don’t want so many kids.

Actually, the 8 year old is old enough to stay home alone for a couple hours.

I would give very clear guidelines of what she has to clean up to get to go out. At those ages I went out once in the morning, cane home for nap and did pool in the afternoon. You can tell the 8 year old if she wants to go the pool she needs to finish X, Y and Z before the 2 year old wakes up from nap. If she doesn’t, you take the younger 2 to the pool
While she stays home. As for the 4 year old, give her chores she has to finish before she gets a tv show (also during 2 year d nap time.)

The emotional responsiveness and negotiations are too much work you don't need right now. It's either they listen and follow directions, or punishment happens right away. Crack the whip, OP, because if they get to teenage years without healthy respect for you, it's going to be far worse then.

I think you should get some discipline books. It doesn't seem to matter which you pick, but stick with it 100% and be firm. That's what I always do when it gets tough in my household. What you need is a "surge" like when you're fighting a war, currently you're just at a stalemate.

I'm sorry, OP. I only have 2 (2 and 4) and I have days like this, too.

i WOH and I can't be in my house on the weekends. We get up and out of the house first thing in the AM. We do a sports class at our local rec center that was cheap, and I find a lot of deals on sites like Certifkid, Groupon, etc. We walk/run the mall an hour before it opens and then share a pretzel. My kids also bounce off one another, too, so getting them out around other kids, or just in a big enough space they are out of each other's way helps a ton.

The 8YO is probably bored and feeling alone, could you or your spouse do 1:1 time with her once/twice a weekend? Even just a walk would probably get her talking more.

I say this politely, but is your house cluttered? We downsized toys A LOT recently and it's really helped. Mine are smaller so I did it while they weren't home and they didn't notice, but I'm sure there are creative ways to handle decluttering for older kids who likely would be a little more observant if things were "missing". But I was ruthless - pieces missing? Trash. Haven't played with it? Donated.

Bribe. After you clean the playroom, we will have popsicles/a water balloon fight.
Get them out of the house a significant portion of the day. Frying pan farm is nice and free in VA. Do you have bowl america’s Blast pass? Bowling and shoes should be free for your younger ones. Two games each and tee shoes under size 13. Go downtown to the free museums. My kids would happily ride the people mover in the basement of the art gallery for a long time.

No advice, just empathy. Everyone’s off schedule and you’re dealing with 3 distinctly different ages and needs. It’ll get better when school starts. Hang in there.

Things that work for me, and that I now share with my kids (6.5, 3.5, 16m):

Once the downstairs is tidied up, we’ll [have popsicles, watch a movie, go to the pool].

Set a timer for X minutes; we’ll tidy as fast as we can and when it goes off we stop even if it’s not done.

“It makes me feel cranky when there’s a big mess! Let’s put things back where they go and then Mom will be feeling more cheerful.”

Also, I pay house cleaners every other week — $100/time for ~1500 sf in Arlington. I keep it tidy but they do the scrubbing.

Like you I believe in taking emotions seriously, so maybe try suggesting cleaning up when the 8yo is in a good mood! If she immediately crumbles, that’s a problem you need to address...