Eh, I don't really need to talk about it in all the gory details.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing, and hugs to all of you. I've never told anyone because I come from a 'good' background and have a stable and happy life, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I described even a fraction of what I went through.

I was thinking the other day about how almost everyone I interact with has no idea, and whether I would know if one of my friends had had similar experiences ('abuse-dar' for lack of a better term). One follow-up - do any of you who responded think you can sense when someone else has had similar experiences? I know I wonder when someone speaks coldly of their parents.

I worry about whether I'll be able to keep hiding it when my parents die (particularly my mother). I am bracing for the day I have to 'act' like a grieving daughter (with deep apologies for this comment to those of you who lost parents you loved and grieved them).

OP, you may be surprised at how deeply you grieve your parents when they pass away. Brace yourself - or better yet, prepare yourself - for that. It's the final closed door on a basic human need to have a loving relationship with your parents, the loss of a deeply felt hope for the positive connection you deserved but didn't experience.

My closest friends, XH, and any serious boyfriend I’ve had. They’re sad for me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing, and hugs to all of you. I've never told anyone because I come from a 'good' background and have a stable and happy life, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I described even a fraction of what I went through.

I was thinking the other day about how almost everyone I interact with has no idea, and whether I would know if one of my friends had had similar experiences ('abuse-dar' for lack of a better term). One follow-up - do any of you who responded think you can sense when someone else has had similar experiences? I know I wonder when someone speaks coldly of their parents.

I worry about whether I'll be able to keep hiding it when my parents die (particularly my mother). I am bracing for the day I have to 'act' like a grieving daughter (with deep apologies for this comment to those of you who lost parents you loved and grieved them).

Yes, I pick up on positive and negative traits of people that are likely remnants of abuse. It can be anything from empathy, to really conscious child-reading practices that they use, to an easily triggered startle reflex, or apparent codependency.

I too brace for how I will manage my parents’ passing. Sometimes I sort of eulogize them in my head to see if I could come up with a normal way of talking about them under non-stressful circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing, and hugs to all of you. I've never told anyone because I come from a 'good' background and have a stable and happy life, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I described even a fraction of what I went through.

I was thinking the other day about how almost everyone I interact with has no idea, and whether I would know if one of my friends had had similar experiences ('abuse-dar' for lack of a better term). One follow-up - do any of you who responded think you can sense when someone else has had similar experiences? I know I wonder when someone speaks coldly of their parents.

I worry about whether I'll be able to keep hiding it when my parents die (particularly my mother). I am bracing for the day I have to 'act' like a grieving daughter (with deep apologies for this comment to those of you who lost parents you loved and grieved them).

OP, I read the last paragraph of this post and immediately thought of a piece I've bookmarked for myself for similar reasons. I find it super affirming, and it helps me keep my own needs in context when I start to think about guilt or what my relationship with my parents looks like from the outside. And like others have mentioned, I have found that (finally) talking to a therapist -- and there are many in DC who specialize in trauma and abuse -- has been much easier than I had dreaded, and has helped immensely. Sending you lots of warm vibes. https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/02/abusive-parents-what-do-grown-children-owe-the-mothers-and-fathers-who-made-their-childhood-a-living-hell.html

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for sharing, and hugs to all of you. I've never told anyone because I come from a 'good' background and have a stable and happy life, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I described even a fraction of what I went through.

I was thinking the other day about how almost everyone I interact with has no idea, and whether I would know if one of my friends had had similar experiences ('abuse-dar' for lack of a better term). One follow-up - do any of you who responded think you can sense when someone else has had similar experiences? I know I wonder when someone speaks coldly of their parents.

I worry about whether I'll be able to keep hiding it when my parents die (particularly my mother). I am bracing for the day I have to 'act' like a grieving daughter (with deep apologies for this comment to those of you who lost parents you loved and grieved them).

I have a few friends mostly from large families like mine who I suspect abuse. They will sometimes refer to confusion in family and brought themselves up with no help from parents. Even though I suspect, I never ask or offer my own story. I really don’t want to discuss it or share that sad part of my life. It may be that I would not trust anyone to keep my secret. I have moved on, will never forget, but it is still sad for me today when I see what others have accomplished with family love and support. I am there 24/7 for my own grown children and grandchildren!

I would not worry about your reaction when your parents pass. No one will judge you, everyone grieves or not grieves differently. You have been through so much and made it. Just go through the motions and get through the day or two of mourning . Offer nothing and say thank you for coming to guests. End of the day—— you are done and it is truly over. You survived. Take care of you. Peace.

I don’t really tell anyone. Sometimes bits and pieces to a significant other. The thing is, my parents were abusive and neglectful but they’re very different now.

There was one time when I was visiting them as an adult and my mom made a joke to my daughter about how when I was little I would eat spaghetti for breakfast. She said it in a completely oblivious way the way other parents talk about kids quirks.

I actually had to walk out and go to the bathroom to not to cry. The truth is my parents were both never home and they would always forget basics like buying groceries. They would eat out at work and never think about me. Most of my childhood I remember being really hungry because there was no food in the house and scavenging for random cans of of something that wasn’t hard to make. I remember being really happy when I found something like spaghettiOs that wasn’t objectively gross. But most of the time I was just really, really hungry. (Note that this was not a money issue.)

Growing up, I never said a word to a single person. In hindsight, I have no doubt teachers and friends' parents knew - how could they not suspect especially when one of my brother's was beaten too badly to participate in PE? There's also only so many doors you can run into.

I was able to escape by going to college but it wasn't until after I graduated college (my dad killed himself while I was in college) and I moved overseas that I was able to start to decompress and really start to understand what had happened to me and my siblings. I became far less guarded and less ashamed. DH knows about it - although he didn't really 'get' it until I began describing specific events while we were in relationship counseling. He was pushing me to have more of a relationship with my mother and thought I was being unreasonable. He was shocked and struggled to reconcile his perceptions of how my mother is today with the mother I had growing up.

My kids also know how I grew up. I never hid it from them because I want to make sure they understand what abuse is, the cycle of abuse, how you can't tell what goes on behind closed doors and to know that 'love' isn't enough. Under no circumstances is abuse justified. Conflict and anger do not have to be abusive. I also want them to be sensitive to challenges other kids may have that they are not aware of - for instance, I am always willing to give a friend a ride and anytime anyone wants to sleep over/eat, they are welcome. My kids are teenagers now and I have no doubt some of their friends are coming from less than supportive homes. One kid spent nearly a week with us over the summer.

I'm fairly good at picking up on dysfunctional behaviors/relationships. Better than most but certainly not omniscient. I don't talk about the abuse in my childhood much because it just doesn't come up in typical conversation. But, I'm no longer ashamed of it.

I don’t have anything new to add, but think it’s interesting the common theme seems to be keeping the info from friends because they’d be shocked and/or potentially judge. Just adding my voice so PPs know they’re not alone. I always feel sadness when I see friends posting happy pics with their extended family knowing this would never be a possibility. Feel very happy for my friends, however.

Anonymous wrote:I told my boyfriend in college and my DH.

Aside from that nobody else. I never talk about it and I shared with them more out of necessity than anything else. I hate, hate talking about it. I’m terrible talking with other people about their bad news too. I shut down and I don’t know what to say while my mind is racing and my anxiety goes through the roof.

I never associated my inability to react to other people’s bad news properly to my childhood, but I identify with everything you wrote. I need to think about this. Thank you.

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing, and hugs to all of you. I've never told anyone because I come from a 'good' background and have a stable and happy life, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I described even a fraction of what I went through.

I was thinking the other day about how almost everyone I interact with has no idea, and whether I would know if one of my friends had had similar experiences ('abuse-dar' for lack of a better term). One follow-up - do any of you who responded think you can sense when someone else has had similar experiences? I know I wonder when someone speaks coldly of their parents.

I worry about whether I'll be able to keep hiding it when my parents die (particularly my mother). I am bracing for the day I have to 'act' like a grieving daughter (with deep apologies for this comment to those of you who lost parents you loved and grieved them).

Every morning, I wake in a bit of a panic. It only last seconds, but it will put me in a cold sweat and dread will start to set in. About four years ago, my DH realized what was happening and whispered “You are safe. You are loved.” Over and over again until it subsided. Now, I try to make that mantra as soon as I wake up. It helps. I’m proud of the work I’ve done in therapy over 35 years and that my DDs don’t need to be told that their beds are a safe and loving place to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abused, neglected, ignored, bullied, I have seen it all. I have told my husband, but not all. I have told my daughters, but not all. Never told any friends. My friends would absolutely not believe I could have a background like the one I came from. I have risen above the dysfunctional my dysfunctional family of my childhood. I still feel sad inside for all I could have become if only someone took care of me.
I worked very hard to raise my daughters to be loved,respected, and educated. They are my golden prize for all of my suffering as a child.

This is me as well. I am successful but wonder how much more successful I could’ve been. Maybe I would not have had the same drive or been as resourceful with an easy life. Who knows. I often wonder what it feels like to have a mother. To be hugged by your mother. I have spent so many holidays and birthdays alone since I left home at 16, it’s nice to finally have a family. I get asked about my family a lot and lie. If I tell a part of the truth there are always more questions. It was more difficult when I was single and had to lie about being alone during the holidays.

Thanks for reading my above story. I am happy for you that your now have a family. Enjoy each and everyone of them. Make up for all those missed childhood holidays. You so deserve a beautiful life. Peace to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Abused, neglected, ignored, bullied, I have seen it all. I have told my husband, but not all. I have told my daughters, but not all. Never told any friends. My friends would absolutely not believe I could have a background like the one I came from. I have risen above the dysfunctional my dysfunctional family of my childhood. I still feel sad inside for all I could have become if only someone took care of me.
I worked very hard to raise my daughters to be loved,respected, and educated. They are my golden prize for all of my suffering as a child.

Same here except i’ve told me DH very little and my DDs basically nothing.

Thanks for reading my above story. Peace to you in your life

I blocked a lot out. DH has been with me as memories have surfaced. My sister knows because some experiences were shared. She never realized i had been repressing memories and couldn’t understand why I was close with our parents or let my kids visit alone. (Nothing ever happened to my kids, just my sister and me as children. If I had remembered sooner, I wouldn’t have let them visit my parents alone of course.) My sister’s DH knows, because he knows her story. When I was remembering things, I’d call or ask in person if I could if she remembered events too and she’d confirm. He overheard a lot of those conversations. I’ve told a few friends when similar subjects came up. Not a lot of details though. And my kids know a bit.