Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:06     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Always thought we’d have three, decided to “see what happens” and had our 4th. She is like the special sauce that makes our family just right. She and her oldest brother have the most beautiful sibling relationship - it just brings joy to witness their interactions. She’s a free spirit and a delight and keeps her sister from taking everything TOO TOO seriously. I love each of my kids immensely, but when I look at this 4th one all I can think is she’s just this amazing and delightful creature who somehow came to be, and it’s perfect.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 22:02     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all, for your replies. I just turned 39, my youngest is 3.5.
Why I might not : financial paranoia, as well as a sense that I would like to have an era in my (hopefully) healthy middle aged years where I actually have my sh*t together, don’t have decaying apple sauce in the minivan, learn to cook a few new dishes, wear scarves, etc. And my husband had a bad health scare recently that made me so grateful for our three and the life we had/ sort of have again now that it’s resolved. Plus, our swiftly advancing ages making me nervous about problems with the baby and rocking the boat in general.

Why I might do it anyway: kids are the main thing that I’m sure that I’m glad that I did, and would always do again, and when I’m 80 I think I’ll want 4. I’ve in fact always wanted 4 and if I don’t I’ll always be sad about it.


Maybe ask , why you want 4? An image of the big, chaotic fun family?
Not to be snarkly, but I come from a family of 4 and find it overrated. My hubs just has a bro, and family (quality) time is so much easier and I'm actually closer to them.

Also ask yourself if you're already overwhelmed, then adding to the mix benefits noone.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 21:57     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks, all, for your replies. I just turned 39, my youngest is 3.5.
Why I might not : financial paranoia, as well as a sense that I would like to have an era in my (hopefully) healthy middle aged years where I actually have my sh*t together, don’t have decaying apple sauce in the minivan, learn to cook a few new dishes, wear scarves, etc. And my husband had a bad health scare recently that made me so grateful for our three and the life we had/ sort of have again now that it’s resolved. Plus, our swiftly advancing ages making me nervous about problems with the baby and rocking the boat in general.

Why I might do it anyway: kids are the main thing that I’m sure that I’m glad that I did, and would always do again, and when I’m 80 I think I’ll want 4. I’ve in fact always wanted 4 and if I don’t I’ll always be sad about it.


Previous poster again and I thought I'd always be sad about not having a 4th. (We stopped at 3 because of infertility issues). I was sad for a good long time. I always wanted 4, i didn't feel "done" or even close to "done" with 3 kids.

However, when my youngest turned about 5 something switched in my head and I just stopped wanting a 4th kid and started feeling really, really, really grateful for the life we have the family size we have.
If I can flip like this, anyone can. I can't tell you how I truly dreamed for and prayed for and cried over not having a 4th for those 5 years. And now (youngest is 9) I am truly, 100% content and grateful to have 3.
There isn't even a small part of me that longs for the child we didn't have.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 21:41     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Op here. Thanks, all, for your replies. I just turned 39, my youngest is 3.5.
Why I might not : financial paranoia, as well as a sense that I would like to have an era in my (hopefully) healthy middle aged years where I actually have my sh*t together, don’t have decaying apple sauce in the minivan, learn to cook a few new dishes, wear scarves, etc. And my husband had a bad health scare recently that made me so grateful for our three and the life we had/ sort of have again now that it’s resolved. Plus, our swiftly advancing ages making me nervous about problems with the baby and rocking the boat in general.

Why I might do it anyway: kids are the main thing that I’m sure that I’m glad that I did, and would always do again, and when I’m 80 I think I’ll want 4. I’ve in fact always wanted 4 and if I don’t I’ll always be sad about it.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 21:37     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:We stayed at three. Youngest is six and I am so glad we didn't try for a fourth. It's a struggle juggling all the kids' sports and activities, and traveling (which we love to do) is hard enough with three.


This is us exactly. I really wanted a 4th and i'm SO SO SO glad we didn't have one.

Our 3 kids are having an amazing childhood but I'm maxed out. They're 13, 12, 9.
We 3 kids we can afford to travel internationally each year. We have the time to help each of them with homework in the evenings (as needed). They're each active in many activities (theatre, travel sports, choir) and we're able to attend everything (many times
barely but we make it happen).
If we had a 4th kid the quality of life of our present 3 would go down. The quality of our parenting would go down. I really honestly feel like 3 is the sweet spot of family size. You have the feel of a a boisterous gang of kids but still have the time
to allow them to really foster interests and activities.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 20:38     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have four, but I will say that my kids are nerds. They are readers, writers, artists, board game players and D&D lovers. They do have a couple of activities they are in, but nothing that has me running all over town every weekend. Oldest is 11, youngest is 5.


My bro has 4 kids, and would say, my kids didnt want contact lens, tennis lessons, SAT prep, etc.
Personally, I think they just cant afford it, but instead deflects to thier kids.


Or maybe he just knows his kids better than you do.


True, but then kids versions don't match up with his. Just saying, with 4kids, its understanble there are time/$ constraints - just own it. Instead, its always cause my kids....
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 17:10     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:Having a fourth puts you at adult to kid ratios that violate some daycare regulations for the early years whenever you're with all four kids at once.

That always stuck with me, thinking about larger families.


Unless you’re having multiples, this would be very difficult to do.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 16:30     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have four, but I will say that my kids are nerds. They are readers, writers, artists, board game players and D&D lovers. They do have a couple of activities they are in, but nothing that has me running all over town every weekend. Oldest is 11, youngest is 5.


My bro has 4 kids, and would say, my kids didnt want contact lens, tennis lessons, SAT prep, etc.
Personally, I think they just cant afford it, but instead deflects to thier kids.


Or maybe he just knows his kids better than you do.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 16:20     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Having a fourth puts you at adult to kid ratios that violate some daycare regulations for the early years whenever you're with all four kids at once.

That always stuck with me, thinking about larger families.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 16:16     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:I have four, but I will say that my kids are nerds. They are readers, writers, artists, board game players and D&D lovers. They do have a couple of activities they are in, but nothing that has me running all over town every weekend. Oldest is 11, youngest is 5.


My bro has 4 kids, and would say, my kids didnt want contact lens, tennis lessons, SAT prep, etc.
Personally, I think they just cant afford it, but instead deflects to thier kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 16:02     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Anonymous wrote:My parents talked about it and decided not to have a fourth child. And then, oops, I came along. 38 years later, I am their only sane, completely independent child who doesn't give them grief.

And we have friends who decided to have a fourth, and then oops, twins!


because they screwed up the older 3 and then realized their mistakes and channeled all the emotional and material resources to the golden youngest child?
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 10:24     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
I have four, but I will say that my kids are nerds. They are readers, writers, artists, board game players and D&D lovers. They do have a couple of activities they are in, but nothing that has me running all over town every weekend. Oldest is 11, youngest is 5.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 09:59     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
Considered a 4th, but we both work pretty demanding jobs (mine with international travel). Youngest is starting K in the fall and just the thought of activities for 3 kids is feeling overwhelming. DH and I don't see much of each other at all on the weekends because we are most of the time shuttling kids to different activities. Glad with our decision to stay at 3, but I'm sure if no. 4 had happened, wouldn't regret it.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 09:43     Subject: Re:For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
My parents talked about it and decided not to have a fourth child. And then, oops, I came along. 38 years later, I am their only sane, completely independent child who doesn't give them grief.

And we have friends who decided to have a fourth, and then oops, twins!
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2019 09:39     Subject: For the people who were on the fence about having a 4th, whatever you decided...
We stayed at three. Youngest is six and I am so glad we didn't try for a fourth. It's a struggle juggling all the kids' sports and activities, and traveling (which we love to do) is hard enough with three.