Anonymous wrote:
Ugh, this woman really needs a talking to. Your husband should explain to his mother all of what you’ve laid out here, particularly the anti-girl pattern.

100% agree. Your husbands dropping the ball on this, to important to let it slide.

+1 to everyone telling you severely restrict access or go NC. We had to do the same thing for the same reason as my MIL is the same type of person. Instead of having an older cousin to learn from, though, it was MIL attacking the flower girls at our wedding and ranting for weeks afterward how "unladylike" they were and how they "needed to be taken down a peg". They didn't do anything wrong and I was horrified, as were the rest of our guests.

I think your goal going forward is not get to MIL to see the damage she is doing or get her to change. Just pull WAAAAY back.

Find substitute grandmas - as you know, biological connections can be more trouble than they are worth!

I agree with all the other posters here (except the one saying you are a bad parent - total troll)

Protect both your kids. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean they aren't a completely toxic person. I would have a heart to heart with my Dh and tell him that you no longer want to expose your kids to this. Your DD should not be forced to be with this woman and your DS's time and exposure should be limited and supervised. If your MIL bawls her eyes out, so be it. She's obviously immature, manipulative, and sexist. DO NOT allow your kids to internalize this kind of thinking.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:You need to protect your child. If her feelings are that extreme, then from now on she is "busy" when Grandma wants to interact.

OP's DH should tell his mother that neither child is available to her if she treats them unequally. Both parents need to protect their children, including not learning from toxic Grandma.

You need to protect your child. If her feelings are that extreme, then from now on she is "busy" when Grandma wants to interact.

Anonymous wrote:Your duty is to protect your kids, not a grown adult woman who is sexist.

You need to protect your son from her behavior as well, he is just as vulnerable (if not more so). Good for your daughter’s self preservation instinct. But it’s sad that she had to do it because her parents would not.

Op you are not a good parent.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think it's okay for your DS to observe and participate in this treatment of your DD?

You realize you are making your DS complicit in this treatment of your DD? Why do you not value preserving their relationship?

I don't know about OP, but she seems receptive to advice and I think the other posters are doing a good job of pointing this out.

Why do you think it's okay for your DS to observe and participate in this treatment of your DD?

You realize you are making your DS complicit in this treatment of your DD? Why do you not value preserving their relationship?

Anonymous wrote:Op here,

She is very old fashioned and conservative. She has a terrible relationship with her other DIL so she tolerates me, but we aren’t close. Plus my husband will not let her vent or complain about me, he will shut that down. He has made attempts to try and talk about how she treats our DD but she’s just cries and says it’s not true that she loves her more than anything. My own mother is an addict so it breaks my heart that our kids don’t have a close relationship with their grandmothers like my husband and I did with theirs.

Probably because the other DIL watched her DD get treated like crap her whole life. Unless, she’s an idiot, giving her clear examples of her favoritism and differing treatment should be enough. If she still cries ( ), too bad.

Op here,

She is very old fashioned and conservative. She has a terrible relationship with her other DIL so she tolerates me, but we aren’t close. Plus my husband will not let her vent or complain about me, he will shut that down. He has made attempts to try and talk about how she treats our DD but she’s just cries and says it’s not true that she loves her more than anything. My own mother is an addict so it breaks my heart that our kids don’t have a close relationship with their grandmothers like my husband and I did with theirs.

This was my grandmother growing up.

5 granddaughters and two grandsons. Obsessed with the youngest grandson because he was the only one who would “carry on the family name”. She heavily preferred the boys and kind of ignored the girls, especially those of us not overtly mild and feminine.

I’d say it’s generational but I assume there is a few decade long age gap between my grandmother and yourMIL.

your daughter sounds like a good judge of character!

Anonymous wrote:I think your job here is to protect your dd not your MIL’s feelings. Let her bawl her eyes out. It’s immature and inappropriate. If your dd is uncomfortable going with another adult that you ADMIT does not treat her fairly or kindly then you need to validate her feelings and protect her. Either your MIL changes her ways regarding your dd when she is at your home where your dd feels safe and comfortable or she loses out on that relationship. Protect your kid.

Agree. The title of your post really should be "3 y/o daughter asserts and protects herself in age appropriate ways against a toxic older relative."

Good for your daughter.

A product and enforcer of patriarchy. So many of there are out there. My mom who raised two dds, is the same with my ds and dd, dd can't do a thing right.