Be sure to add a sensationalized, scandalous little exclamation point on your thread title. This is, first and foremost, about you and your feelings, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

t what ages did your siblings know their true identity? Did you and your parents know before they shared? I am a parent seeking experience.

Anonymous wrote:My DD’s and her friend are both 12 and have been best friends since childhood. Her friend was having some trouble and stayed home from school a lot this past school year. She totally shut DD out and at that point DD was so hurt and cried so much when she found out that the friend had transferred to a different school the last two months of the last school year. DD was concerned and reached out but didn’t get any reply. Last week we bumped I to this friend and he has transitioned into a boy. He changed his name, cut his hair short and wears boy clothes. It came as a shock to DD since she had no idea. When we got home she cried and took it really bad saying she wasn’t there for her friend when he needed her the most. I encouraged DD to reach out and they have been hanging out a lot this week. It seems like now DD is having a difficult time with the relationship since they went from talking about somewhat “girly” things like JoJo and nails to only talking about sport and baseball players. She said they spent 6 hours together and that was the only topic of conversation. She said her friend was relaxed and happy but she thought that he was trying too much to prove he was a boy. DD says she doesn’t mind talking about these things but it’s all the friend wants to talk about. How do you advise your daughter to be there for her friend but also to find a balance in this friendship.

Is a new name and a haircut really transitioning? How are parents defining this? Was updated legal paperwork involved/possible at this age? My DC did the former for 1.5 years. Still played on assigned gender sports team and enjoyed that very much.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her. [/quote]

I disagree that " it’s about him, not her" -- basically the trans friend has not been a good friend and ditched someone who has been a good friend. It would have been thoughtful for the trans friend to make some sort of contact. Even to communicate that he was changing schools. I think both kids deserve to be treated kindly. [/quote]

And I in turn, disagree with you. My guess is that you do not have a trans kid. Transitioning is extremely personal and emotional. Kids going through this frequently need time and space, and also want to start fresh in virtually every aspect of their lives, especially regarding school and friends. I think the PP gives excellent advice, and I’m also a parent of a trans kid. [/quote]

At what age did your DC express notions for transition. My DC brought it up winter break of 5th grade of identity. Started middle school going by nickname name. Went back the first name in eighth grade because that was what everyone was used to. Does not dress in assigned gender clothes, mostly sport neutral. Mostly hoodies, basketball shorts and jeans. Enjoys comfort vs tailored. Always mistaken when using a dressing room. Awkward. Also going through a change of friends and few new friends. I don’t know how to help.

Anonymous wrote:Transitioning at 12. This seems unbelievable to be doing
at that age.

I know of kids younger who have.

Op, it can’t hurt to reach out. Leave it open ended and don’t expect a response.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Not the PP but what does it mean to you to be a woman mentally and emotionally? I am a woman but I have never understood what people meant by that. Physically - yes, I get that. But I don't really have any emotional / mental identity that makes me a woman so I am always curious what people mean by that.

I think too there are many things that reinforce PPs view. I remember I watched an episode of the I am Jazz and they said oh she loved pink and butterflies and glitter and make-up so we have always known she was a girl. And often I have seen transgender women focus on hair and make-up and dresses and heels and it often does come across as though that is their idea of what a woman is. I was a tomboy and am still not into stereo typically female stuff and am pretty turned off by people who define being a woman by superficial things like clothes and hair and make-up or by stereotypical attributes or interests.

I don’t “feel” like my body does not match my mind. And I also do some very stereo typical female things. I cry during movies - like when the character dies. From chatting with my few female friends, our husbands annoy us with very similar things/issues. I know I am much more empathetic than my husband - something considered more “feminine” than “masculine”. I tend to want to build consensus and talk through problems and ideas, all traits more found with women than men in the workplace. None of these make someone a man or a woman, but it is the best I can do to describe why I say I am a woman mentally and emotionally. I have no desire to be a different gender, even though I do not wear heels, or have painted nails, or carry a fashionable purse, or wear earrings, or care about the Kardashians or the British royal family...

You are describing my son - and I find this to be very very normal. You are simply an emotionally sensitive, tuned-in individual. And that’s perfect.

Anonymous wrote:Transitioning at 12. This seems unbelievable to be doing
at that age.

TBH, my son has always had emotional difficulties, probably exacerbated by family (extended) drama. He’s now decided he’s trans (in mid-20s) and immediately proceeded to attack me politically - sounded very scripted, frankly. I don’t care how he identifies - what I DO care about is being told I’m a horrible person for not being part of the movement. I won’t be emotionally blackmailed. I care very much about how he feels and know his self image has been in the toilet and want him to further explore the roots of that. Enter an online therapist who encourages the agenda, as opposed to trying to tackle the real issues here, which VERY MUCH involve me having to fight uphill to ensure my kids didn’t physically die at the hands of what I consider an anti-medicine cult mentality. He didn’t need that in his life and I don’t blame him for hating me right now.

He can transition if he wants as he’s an adult. I’ll love him regardless. But I will not be emotionally blackmailed FOR his love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Not the PP but what does it mean to you to be a woman mentally and emotionally? I am a woman but I have never understood what people meant by that. Physically - yes, I get that. But I don't really have any emotional / mental identity that makes me a woman so I am always curious what people mean by that.

I think too there are many things that reinforce PPs view. I remember I watched an episode of the I am Jazz and they said oh she loved pink and butterflies and glitter and make-up so we have always known she was a girl. And often I have seen transgender women focus on hair and make-up and dresses and heels and it often does come across as though that is their idea of what a woman is. I was a tomboy and am still not into stereo typically female stuff and am pretty turned off by people who define being a woman by superficial things like clothes and hair and make-up or by stereotypical attributes or interests.

I don’t “feel” like my body does not match my mind. And I also do some very stereo typical female things. I cry during movies - like when the character dies. From chatting with my few female friends, our husbands annoy us with very similar things/issues. I know I am much more empathetic than my husband - something considered more “feminine” than “masculine”. I tend to want to build consensus and talk through problems and ideas, all traits more found with women than men in the workplace. None of these make someone a man or a woman, but it is the best I can do to describe why I say I am a woman mentally and emotionally. I have no desire to be a different gender, even though I do not wear heels, or have painted nails, or carry a fashionable purse, or wear earrings, or care about the Kardashians or the British royal family...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Not the PP but what does it mean to you to be a woman mentally and emotionally? I am a woman but I have never understood what people meant by that. Physically - yes, I get that. But I don't really have any emotional / mental identity that makes me a woman so I am always curious what people mean by that.

I think too there are many things that reinforce PPs view. I remember I watched an episode of the I am Jazz and they said oh she loved pink and butterflies and glitter and make-up so we have always known she was a girl. And often I have seen transgender women focus on hair and make-up and dresses and heels and it often does come across as though that is their idea of what a woman is. I was a tomboy and am still not into stereo typically female stuff and am pretty turned off by people who define being a woman by superficial things like clothes and hair and make-up or by stereotypical attributes or interests.

I have always been put off by that as well, but with most trans people I know or have read their books they had a feeling that something was not right. They seem pretty well adjusted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Not the PP but what does it mean to you to be a woman mentally and emotionally? I am a woman but I have never understood what people meant by that. Physically - yes, I get that. But I don't really have any emotional / mental identity that makes me a woman so I am always curious what people mean by that.

I think too there are many things that reinforce PPs view. I remember I watched an episode of the I am Jazz and they said oh she loved pink and butterflies and glitter and make-up so we have always known she was a girl. And often I have seen transgender women focus on hair and make-up and dresses and heels and it often does come across as though that is their idea of what a woman is. I was a tomboy and am still not into stereo typically female stuff and am pretty turned off by people who define being a woman by superficial things like clothes and hair and make-up or by stereotypical attributes or interests.

Anonymous wrote:Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

It’s not about liking “boy” things versus “girl” things.
I am a “tomboy.” I am athletic. I am not girly. I do not like girly things. But I am a woman, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am also heterosexual. Just because I don’t like early things does not make me any less of a woman.
I have one brother that is homosexual. He’s a flamer, every gay man stereotype you can make. But he is a man. He has no desire to be a woman.
I have another brother who was born female. For years he identified as being a lesbian. Because trans people really didn’t exist in the 80s beyond drag queens. He was the epitome of angry butch dyke. About 10 years ago he transitioned - in his 40s. He is literally the happiest and most at peace as I have ever seen him. He is no longer angry. He is happy - truly happy for the first time in his life.
People know. They might not be able to put words to it. But they know when their body does not match their mind.

Sure wish we had come up with a way to make girls feel totally fine about preferring conversations about baseball to JoJo and other “girly” topics rather than making them feel like they have to choose to identify as another gender to like “gendered” things.
Must be so confusing for kids.

Maybe take it slowly. 6 hours of time together after a year of almost no contact seems like a lot.

Next time, meet them out at a coffee shop or book store. 1 hour tops. Not worth breaking off the friendship! Just take it slow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They’re 12. Friendships change. Even if her friend weren’t trans, the friendship may have changed or ended as they get into middle and high school. I’d start by pointing out those things.

I have a trans son. It’s hard for him to be close to early childhood friends sometimes because a lot of “girly” activities they did stemmed from him trying to fit in and do “girly” things to appear to be more feminine. A lot of that felt unnatural and sometimes even painful for him, so being with those friends and trying to recreate those bonds and activities brings back uncomfortable feelings. It isn’t anything the friends did, it’s just the circumstances. Also, reminiscing can be tricky because the memories come from a time when he wasn’t being his authentic self, and he’s not ready to relive those memories or look at photos of himself as a girl.

As the friend’s interests have changed and he feels open sharing them, your DS needs to realize that while the friend participated, he probably felt like that a lot over the years when they were doing lots of “girly” things. She can participate in what the friend wants or not, but he may not be open to doing feminine activities. It’s not so much that he feels like he has something to prove, but it’s more like he’s been conforming for so long, and now he’s free to explore the other side, so the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually he’ll probably find some balance.

I know she’s 12 and everything revolves around her, which is normal for kids that age. However, this isn’t her life changing event, her trauma to live through, or her emotional crisis. She’s a supporting player from last season who’s possibly making a guest appearance this season. Being upset that she wasn’t allowed to be part of the transition is overlooking everything he experienced during the transition and makes it all about her instead of the friend. Sometimes being a supportive friend means stepping back while someone goes through a crisis.

Also, she’s probably mourning the friend she lost, rather than being able to celebrate the person who came out on the other side. It’s normal and natural to mourn that loss, but that person was a character the friend was playing and now he’s being his authentic self. Your daughter might not enjoy being good friends with him as much as who he used to be, and that’s okay.

It’s awesome that she wants to be supportive, she just needs to remember it’s about him, not her.

I disagree that " it’s about him, not her" -- basically the trans friend has not been a good friend and ditched someone who has been a good friend. It would have been thoughtful for the trans friend to make some sort of contact. Even to communicate that he was changing schools. I think both kids deserve to be treated kindly.

And I in turn, disagree with you. My guess is that you do not have a trans kid. Transitioning is extremely personal and emotional. Kids going through this frequently need time and space, and also want to start fresh in virtually every aspect of their lives, especially regarding school and friends. I think the PP gives excellent advice, and I’m also a parent of a trans kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making this about your daughter and her needs. She needs to find new friends.

I would not indulge this but each to their own.

Why do you say this? OP has every right to be concerned about her daughter. Her daughter has basically invested time and concern into a friendship that she is now finding out to be based on a false premise. OP is right to figure out how to best guide her child of a tough to navigate situation.

It was not a false premise.

is this thread not about someone who transitioned from one state to another?