Anonymous wrote:This scenario was just presented in an unconscious bias training I had to sit through recently (only it was in the context of "you look to young to have a grandson that age...").

According to the instructor, while the white woman who said it thought it was a compliment, the black woman who heard it thought it was racist.

I don't say anything to anybody anymore.

I think it can come across as fishing for someone's age and the circumstances in which they became a parent. I also think that sometimes people are really bad at estimating age in people of other races, and this can just highlight that. I think it's a good comment to avoid.

Anonymous wrote:I did have my kids young so when it gets told to me I don’t take it as a compliment. I take it as prying and a person trying to confirm what they suspect about the age I was when I had my kids.

+1 I was 19 and 23 when I had my kids. I'm 50 now, recently became a young grandma too. It depends - most of the time it is a genuine surprise/compliment. I always smile and say, 'we started young' Some people continue on and are rude and judgemental about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the same degree of a compliment as saying you look too old to have a 12 year old. Comments about age and your perceptions of someone of that assumed age are generally not a good idea

Uh, no it is not the same thing at all. Not even close. Saying "Wow! You look too old to have a 12 year old!" Is NOT a compliment and really should never, under any circumstances, be said.

People usually won't say that someone "looks to old to have..." because they will just assume it's the grandparent, not the parent.

They don’t just assume, they ask, “Is that your grandchild?” Gee, thanks. But I just laugh it off and say I’m an old mom. Better than not being a mom at all!

It should obviously be a compliment, but some people always find ways of taking offense, as you know.

It’s like if I saw Anne Hathaway in person. In the same manner, she does not look old enough to have a 12-year-old.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the same degree of a compliment as saying you look too old to have a 12 year old. Comments about age and your perceptions of someone of that assumed age are generally not a good idea

Uh, no it is not the same thing at all. Not even close. Saying "Wow! You look too old to have a 12 year old!" Is NOT a compliment and really should never, under any circumstances, be said.

People usually won't say that someone "looks to old to have..." because they will just assume it's the grandparent, not the parent.

Anonymous wrote:It is the same degree of a compliment as saying you look too old to have a 12 year old. Comments about age and your perceptions of someone of that assumed age are generally not a good idea

Uh, no it is not the same thing at all. Not even close. Saying "Wow! You look too old to have a 12 year old!" Is NOT a compliment and really should never, under any circumstances, be said.

I think it depends on the age when she actually had a child. For example, I had my oldest at 24, and once in a while people say that we look like sisters, I take it as a compliment. However, if I had her at 16, people would have probably commented on my appearance so often that it could get old and annoying quite quickly. It would be like a FAQ of “Where are you from” that I’m so tired of hearing and replying to.

I would take it as a compliment but I know there are people who wouldn't. Honestly, it's just a good general policy to NOT comment on people's age, weight, skin color, etc. even if you think you are saying something complimentary or if it's something YOU would take as a compliment. You just really never know.

(I lost 30 pounds due to Crohn's disease earlier this year and get tons of "wow, you've lost so much weight! You look great!" comments- I know they meant well, but I always wish I could say...um, yeah, I wasn't able to eat solid food for two months without my butthole exploding with bloody diarrhea. You'd probably lose weight too.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met someone and was surprised at the age of her oldest. She looks young enough to have toddlers and I thought I was paying her a compliment.

What exactly did you say, OP? Also, context and delivery matter. Was this at work? If you emphasize how young someone looks at work, it can be construed as a passive aggressive way of undermining her authority or an attempt to insinuate that she is inexperienced. It doesn’t make anyone spook good, including the person who pays the “compliment.”

I phrased it exactly as I did in the title. Also it was at a happy hour - no I don't work with the person.

^look

Anonymous wrote:I met someone and was surprised at the age of her oldest. She looks young enough to have toddlers and I thought I was paying her a compliment.

What exactly did you say, OP? Also, context and delivery matter. Was this at work? If you emphasize how young someone looks at work, it can be construed as a passive aggressive way of undermining her authority or an attempt to insinuate that she is inexperienced. It doesn’t make anyone spook good, including the person who pays the “compliment.”

I'm surprised everyone thinks it's ok to say this. It's risky. You're making a judgment about the "right" age to have kids and assuming having them younger is so irregular and inappropriate it must be that the person just looks younger than they are.

I mean, you can't think of anything else to say? Compliment their outfit, for crap's sake.

It is the same degree of a compliment as saying you look too old to have a 12 year old. Comments about age and your perceptions of someone of that assumed age are generally not a good idea

It is intended as a compliment not a put down.