Anonymous
07/10/2019 15:52
Subject: Re:Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
I imagine there are others with similar circumstances. Mine is almost exactly your story, OP. The difference is that you thankfully have no reason to go, so please don't!
I have an Uncle by marriage (DH to my maternal aunt). I babysat their kids when I was 14-17. I found penthouse mags in a guest bathroom that weren't ever there before. Now that I think back, I realize they were probably planted there since it was the only bathroom I used. He was blatantly flirty. I lived in an apartment building and he would ride elevator with me to be sure I arrived at my my floor (safely ha). It was then that he began asking me about boyfriends and kissing etc. He snapped my bra strap once and I remember this night vividly. I was 16 when he did it and I was exhausted (his kids were a handful). I screamed at him to never ever touch me again. He never escalated beyond that night. I got a different job but would still see him at family events. Once when I was 17, I was out in his front yard playing with kids. He came over with his neighbor, introduced us and told me that his friend was a doctor and then turned to neighbor and said, I bet you'd like to exam her (Snort snort). By 17, I had experienced enough inappropriate male attention that I was pretty street smart. My BIL was also a creep and he still is. He's been slapped into place. It's sickening how most of us can look back and realize how many situations short of non consent, have occurred. I don't think my uncle or BIL would ever forcibly assault women. I pray they never have! But, they sure played the grooming game like they had a consensual shot. Calculating, disgusting men. I've experienced no less than a dozen situations that would be defined as #meetoo. Sadly, so many of us.
Uncle is now in his 80's, widower and declining. You made me think of what I would do in your situation. I attended my aunt's funeral. I am pretty close with his youngest daughter and she came with her husband and kids to my father's funeral. I would show up for my cousin. I will not honor him in my mind or heart. I was not physically assaulted and this is the only way I can justify attending. Doesn't make him less of a predator, only that I luckily beat him at his game.
I have an Uncle by marriage (DH to my maternal aunt). I babysat their kids when I was 14-17. I found penthouse mags in a guest bathroom that weren't ever there before. Now that I think back, I realize they were probably planted there since it was the only bathroom I used. He was blatantly flirty. I lived in an apartment building and he would ride elevator with me to be sure I arrived at my my floor (safely ha). It was then that he began asking me about boyfriends and kissing etc. He snapped my bra strap once and I remember this night vividly. I was 16 when he did it and I was exhausted (his kids were a handful). I screamed at him to never ever touch me again. He never escalated beyond that night. I got a different job but would still see him at family events. Once when I was 17, I was out in his front yard playing with kids. He came over with his neighbor, introduced us and told me that his friend was a doctor and then turned to neighbor and said, I bet you'd like to exam her (Snort snort). By 17, I had experienced enough inappropriate male attention that I was pretty street smart. My BIL was also a creep and he still is. He's been slapped into place. It's sickening how most of us can look back and realize how many situations short of non consent, have occurred. I don't think my uncle or BIL would ever forcibly assault women. I pray they never have! But, they sure played the grooming game like they had a consensual shot. Calculating, disgusting men. I've experienced no less than a dozen situations that would be defined as #meetoo. Sadly, so many of us.
Uncle is now in his 80's, widower and declining. You made me think of what I would do in your situation. I attended my aunt's funeral. I am pretty close with his youngest daughter and she came with her husband and kids to my father's funeral. I would show up for my cousin. I will not honor him in my mind or heart. I was not physically assaulted and this is the only way I can justify attending. Doesn't make him less of a predator, only that I luckily beat him at his game.
Anonymous
07/10/2019 12:59
Subject: Re:Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
Don’t go! Most people don’t expect people to travel to a different part of the country for the death of an elderly relative unless they were very close.
Anonymous
07/10/2019 12:51
Subject: Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
Anonymous wrote:So I have a creepy uncle who many years ago when drunk got very touchy feely with me and made sexually inappropriate comments-this happened on two occasions (one worse and more prolonged than the other) when I was in my late 20's/early 30's (I'm in my 40's now-this occurred about 15 years ago). For various reasons, I told no one-the only person who knew about it at the time was my sister because she witnessed one of the incidents. Since then I have largely been able to avoid him aside from brief pleasantries at family events. At this point, he's an ill, elderly man. Honestly, I highly doubt he even remembers doing it. He has a history of infidelity and was apparently sexually inappropriate with a housekeeper once-I would bet money there have been others as well. When he was a younger man, he was very professionally successful and I would imagine because of that he got away with quite a bit-it was a different era. I ended up telling my husband about it relatively recently because he wondered why I have such an aversion to him (my uncle). Other than that, no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way. At this point, it would just bring other family members (primarily his wife and children) pain plus who knows if I would even be believed.
He is one of my father's brothers. Obviously I'm not close to him. I'm also not close to his wife or children although I don't have any personal issues with them-we just aren't close for various reasons (they live in a different part of the country, I don't have much in common with them, etc). My sister is close with one of his daughters-they are the same age and share interests-because of that, she is closer to the family than me. He's very ill at this point and I know this may sound odd but I'm wondering what I should do when he passes away. I really don't want to go to the funeral but feel like if I don't it's going to reflect badly on me and I'll have to deal with family judgement. Still, the thought of having to go makes me sick. I can't stand him. I know he's elderly and ill now but it doesn't erase who he was. In addition (and to make a very long story short), my father is also a very difficult person and honestly the less I spend with that side of the family the happier I am.
I know I'm jumping the gun with this and he could live for many more years (it may not even be an issue...he could outlive me-who knows) but I heard recently that he wasn't doing well and it made me think about how I'm going to handle it when the time comes.
Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated-thanks!
He's an uncle you weren't close to. Send a card to his family and stay home. If you can't stand the thought of it reflecting badly on you then you miraculously get violently ill on the day you're supposed to travel/go to the funeral.
Anonymous
07/10/2019 12:46
Subject: Re:Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
The only person who should feel bad about anything is your uncle. Do not allow his actions to make you feel guilty or rob you of your sense of safety by not attending.
I disagree with PPs who suggest that you should make up some excuse for not attending. Simply do not attend. If someone asks you why you didn’t, plainly reply that a situation transpired years ago and that you are simply unable to come to terms with it. You do not need to share details if you’re uncomfortable doing so, but you’re still being impeccable with your word. Making up a work or illness excuse would be to cover for this man, and I’m over victims having to do that. Don’t convince yourself that you’re doing a favor to his daughters by protecting them from the truth. Odds are decent he’s been inappropriate with them as well.
I wish you the best of luck. There’s a lot of men out there who do ugly things to young women. I hope you can find some strength and closure in his last days.
I disagree with PPs who suggest that you should make up some excuse for not attending. Simply do not attend. If someone asks you why you didn’t, plainly reply that a situation transpired years ago and that you are simply unable to come to terms with it. You do not need to share details if you’re uncomfortable doing so, but you’re still being impeccable with your word. Making up a work or illness excuse would be to cover for this man, and I’m over victims having to do that. Don’t convince yourself that you’re doing a favor to his daughters by protecting them from the truth. Odds are decent he’s been inappropriate with them as well.
I wish you the best of luck. There’s a lot of men out there who do ugly things to young women. I hope you can find some strength and closure in his last days.
Anonymous
07/10/2019 12:42
Subject: Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
Anonymous wrote:Don’t go. And don’t make up an excuse. You’re an adult. Just say that you wont be attending, and if they press for details, say there are various reasons that you have no intention of discussing with them.
+1. You don't owe ANYONE an excuse.
Anonymous
07/09/2019 19:06
Subject: Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?
Don’t go. And don’t make up an excuse. You’re an adult. Just say that you wont be attending, and if they press for details, say there are various reasons that you have no intention of discussing with them.