Yes, yes, yes to everything mentioned! I will add that as teens, not only do they believe that they are invincible, they believe that they know everything and you are an idiot. I will attest to this. It is so frustrating to have information that will help your child with whatever crap they are dealing with when they are unable to hear you.

I hear that somewhere between 22-25 they realize how smart you've gotten in the past 10 years, but we are not at that point yet!

PPs have nailed it so just want to add: When they rebel, it makes you think you did not do a good job of translating your values. It's hard to listen to them dismiss things you've tried to instill in them.

And something else: the culture is against you. The culture is trying to cultivate a consumer. So to get that consumer, they encourage short term decisions vs. long term investment. The culture is "you'll be happy if you engage in sex, drugs, shopping, basically you'll be happy by INDULGING, and you will be all alone and scorned if you don't go with the herd." It's designed with their developmental stage in mind. It's rough.

And basically you lose a lot of control. You can't just sign them up for a tennis class and expect them to go. You can't physically restrain them...you can't do really anything but hope that they will make good choices when they are doing things without your supervision.

And you have to come to terms with that the kid you have is not the kid you envisioned. Example: The athlete's son hates sports, or is uncoordinated, or likes acting instead. My friend, who is a doctor, had to wrap her head around the fact that her kid sucks at math, which is my friend's strong point. I love to hike and I've got one teen that will spend zero time outdoors, and I live in a state with beautiful weather. You want to give your kid your values, and you assume your kid will inherit your talents, and then you have to recognize them as someone unique from your dreams and wishes. It's a weaning process, and weaning takes years and involves both sides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have amnesia of your teen years?

Do you remember yours from your mom’s perspective?

I don't have to, because my mom reminds me all the time. I promise myself regularly to be different. I definitely give my teen more space than I ever had.

Not all teens are bad. Mine are pretty easy. Sure, they do some eye-rolling, and sure, they sometimes sure don't seem to know what's good for them (they procrastinate on important school things, their rooms are pits, they wear inappropriate clothes).

But these things are developmentally appropriate. If you go into to teen years knowing that it's their *job* to be PITAs - their job to try on new identities, test boundaries, and make some mistakes while they still have parents their to help them manage their mistakes - it's not so bad.

Basically my kids are awesome. I don't mean that they are "perfect" - neither is a particularly strong student, etc. I just mean: they're good people. And they will someday learn that leaving cereal bowls inside the closet is unwise.

Anonymous wrote:We have had very smooth sailing and my DD is almost 16. We haven't had a single bad day with her. So when will this negative stuff finally kick in? (I think we're just lucky so far).

I'm the single mom who posted above. I was the world's easiest teenager mostly because my own mother was a single parent and had to deal with my brother who was a PITA. I felt sorry for my mom and tread lightly. I did whatever I was supposed to do to make things easy for her. I had no desire to be rebellious and was/am pretty easy going and even tempered. I was/am an introvert so I didn't spend a lot of time out with friends/boys where I might have gotten into trouble.

My teen with ADHD was impossible in the toddler and early elementary years and nothing she does now can compare. we invested a ton into her—therapy, meds, edu support...I feel like my job here is done. Maybe if she were an easy 0-12 year old we would feel differently?

Anonymous wrote:I have two pretty easy going, so far not rebellious teens. The most annoying thing is, as PP noted, the complete shut down of communication by teen DS. His entire life has become a closely guarded secret and it's very frustrating but I'm trying not to take it personally. I know he'll outgrow it.

This is so true.

We have had very smooth sailing and my DD is almost 16. We haven't had a single bad day with her. So when will this negative stuff finally kick in? (I think we're just lucky so far).

At least in my house, with a pretty good kid there are a few things:

a) insecurity - everything I say is interpreted as criticism. even pass the salt. so we end up overreacting. I think we are arguing about the words in the conversation and he thinks he is asserting his self-worth

b) hormonal fluctuations - bodies change really quickly and it is hard to be normal when hormones are racing through them. As my kid hit puberty, I hit perimenopause. God Bless HRT.

c) they really do face a ton of pressure with school, a million AP classes, the need to get good grades, and the feeling of always being on a precipice. Throw in all the anxiety we parents feel....

I want to be fair. Teens are tough. Volatile, obnoxious, irresponsible etc. But we parents are demanding, always seem to miss the point, and are forever parenting last year's kids.

Anonymous wrote:By the time you are parenting a teen, you are middle aged, and have likely worked hard at giving your kids as good a life as you can. You have devoted lots of attention and energy to parenting, their education, etc. The journey has been long, maybe your energy is lagging a bit. Just at that point, they become the most self-centered that they will ever be. at the same time, they may start making mistakes that can have serious consequences for their health, safety and future.
They also become hella expensive.

I couldn't have written it better myself. I am a single mom to a 14 yr old son. I am tired from raising him alone for the last 14 years. The elementary school years were great. He was easy going and we got along. But now I am older and more tired and he is reverting back to toddler hood (he is worse than when he was a toddler). He is often hungry and tired and grumpy. When he isn't hungry or tired, he just seems pretty lazy and difficult to me. Why can't he just do something without me having to take stuff away? My brother was the same way so none of this is surprising but throw me a bone kid. I'm old and tired! Every once in a while, he reverts to his sweet self and then bam! He goes back to the giant, grumpy toddler again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The attitude of incredible, invincible entitlement that has no basis in reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By the time you are parenting a teen, you are middle aged, and have likely worked hard at giving your kids as good a life as you can. You have devoted lots of attention and energy to parenting, their education, etc. The journey has been long, maybe your energy is lagging a bit. Just at that point, they become the most self-centered that they will ever be. at the same time, they may start making mistakes that can have serious consequences for their health, safety and future.
They also become hella expensive.

+1. Yes, this. I feel like I’ve been parenting forever and I’m starting to get tired. So many sacrifices, so many generous and wonderful things I did for them for so many years....and right now it all feels like rather wasted effort.

+ 1 I regretted having kids, like I have wasted my life and end up with kids who lie to me nonstop and hates me and ruining their life

Anonymous wrote:Go watch Euphoria on HBO

Thank you, I will add it to my playlist - I think I’ve seen it on Netflix? -op

Anonymous wrote:By the time you are parenting a teen, you are middle aged, and have likely worked hard at giving your kids as good a life as you can. You have devoted lots of attention and energy to parenting, their education, etc. The journey has been long, maybe your energy is lagging a bit. Just at that point, they become the most self-centered that they will ever be. at the same time, they may start making mistakes that can have serious consequences for their health, safety and future.
They also become hella expensive.

+1. Yes, this. I feel like I’ve been parenting forever and I’m starting to get tired. So many sacrifices, so many generous and wonderful things I did for them for so many years....and right now it all feels like rather wasted effort.

By the time you are parenting a teen, you are middle aged, and have likely worked hard at giving your kids as good a life as you can. You have devoted lots of attention and energy to parenting, their education, etc. The journey has been long, maybe your energy is lagging a bit. Just at that point, they become the most self-centered that they will ever be. at the same time, they may start making mistakes that can have serious consequences for their health, safety and future.
They also become hella expensive.