Anonymous
07/08/2019 21:19
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
They know. They haven’t forgotten. You can casually touch on it when watching a movie or something, like you said. But I don’t think you need to make a big deal of it. Let them know they can come to you any time with questions or to talk more about it.
Anonymous
07/08/2019 21:03
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why do they need to know?
Because they have a right to know and secrets are toxic. They always come out and can be very painful when they do. The last thing I want is to cause them pain.
I have actual experience with this. My mother had a long and twisted story of her past and genetics. She told me when I was 28. I was glad she waited until I was an adult with my own identity. It was HER story. It explained some of her quirks but it was so much more about her than me. I was and still am totally fine with it. It didn’t poison my life (wasn’t too great for her). Her life story sounds like a book!
Anonymous
07/08/2019 20:57
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:For those that are asking "why tell them?" and questioning the risk of commercial dna testing espcially as the children reach adulthood -
there's more to dna testing than just the silly estimated "ethnicity" results. Join any genetic genealogy group and you will see daily comments from stunned adults who discovered one or both of their parents are NOT their biological parent. A big part of dna testing is "matching": sharing results with the rest of the participants and finding familial matches. Some of the folks making these discoveries are old enough to have had their parent(s) pass away so there is no one to turn to to get "their story".
It's heartbreaking to witness.
If that was OP who posted earlier that they did dna testing and it "didn't reveal a thing" did you opt into matching/sharing and check your child's matches?
I am that PP. I should say didn’t reveal anything we didn’t already know. We both come from famous old families with records dating back a ridiculous long time. Lots and lots of genetic matches. If we followed every one down it would be a big long hobby. What does it even mean? I did get a match from my cousin so it’s accurate. Ancestry.com is social.
Anonymous
07/08/2019 20:46
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. The DE origin is not a secret and never has been. We have talked about it off and on over the years. But it isn't something that has come up a lot and not something they ask about so we haven't covered it in detail. It hasn't come up in a while and I forget to mention it, which I guess is my bad... I don' t know. I will find a way to work it into conversation and give them the opportunity to ask questions and know the door is open if they ever do want to talk about it. I will not sit them down and have some big heart to heart like it's a deep dark secret that has to be unloaded. My oldest is going through a health issue right now and I am not going to add something else to his plate unnecessarily.
DE mom here: We are also going through some genetic related issues with our DC. Pretty sure from fathers side but I would not want to add more stress right now. It’s hard enough.
Anonymous
07/08/2019 20:41
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Tell them before they submit their DNA to ancestry.com.
We did that already and didn’t reveal a thing.
Is this OP responding? How could a DNA test not reveal a thing?
Oops not clear. Donor egg mom. We did ancestry.com on our DE kids anonymous donor. We are the same ethnicity & nothing further was revealed. You still have to make your family tree from records. We also did genetic testing without testing whole branches of fathers family still did not reveal much. Your secret is safe with ancestry.com.
Anonymous
07/08/2019 19:38
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
This is the OP. The DE origin is not a secret and never has been. We have talked about it off and on over the years. But it isn't something that has come up a lot and not something they ask about so we haven't covered it in detail. It hasn't come up in a while and I forget to mention it, which I guess is my bad... I don' t know. I will find a way to work it into conversation and give them the opportunity to ask questions and know the door is open if they ever do want to talk about it. I will not sit them down and have some big heart to heart like it's a deep dark secret that has to be unloaded. My oldest is going through a health issue right now and I am not going to add something else to his plate unnecessarily.
Anonymous
07/08/2019 16:48
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:My sister’s kids are DE. She has bio kids too and waitrd for the DE kids to be old enough to understand (I think she was 5 (one of twins died just before they turned one.) Her DD understood it-surprised all by talking about DNA. Asked a few questions and then basically has never talked about again except acknowledging it when she was tell her mom/my sustee about her friend feeling no one understood her because she was adopted thus different, making connection that she was different too. So a good 5 years later. I would honestly guess OP your kids haven’t forgotten and just accept it as a fact in their life. Bring it up in a conversation to acknowledge it and let them know it’s something they can always talk about. From my sister’s experience I think you’re fine
Does she have any issues with one kid is her "real kid" -type of issue? (I'm not saying this in the slightest, I'm just curious if this has come up and, if so, how she has dealt with it).
Anonymous
07/08/2019 14:10
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
For those that are asking "why tell them?" and questioning the risk of commercial dna testing espcially as the children reach adulthood -
there's more to dna testing than just the silly estimated "ethnicity" results. Join any genetic genealogy group and you will see daily comments from stunned adults who discovered one or both of their parents are NOT their biological parent. A big part of dna testing is "matching": sharing results with the rest of the participants and finding familial matches. Some of the folks making these discoveries are old enough to have had their parent(s) pass away so there is no one to turn to to get "their story".
It's heartbreaking to witness.
If that was OP who posted earlier that they did dna testing and it "didn't reveal a thing" did you opt into matching/sharing and check your child's matches?
there's more to dna testing than just the silly estimated "ethnicity" results. Join any genetic genealogy group and you will see daily comments from stunned adults who discovered one or both of their parents are NOT their biological parent. A big part of dna testing is "matching": sharing results with the rest of the participants and finding familial matches. Some of the folks making these discoveries are old enough to have had their parent(s) pass away so there is no one to turn to to get "their story".
It's heartbreaking to witness.
If that was OP who posted earlier that they did dna testing and it "didn't reveal a thing" did you opt into matching/sharing and check your child's matches?
Anonymous
07/08/2019 12:12
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:But what will revealing even accomplish? Can your kid actually get in touch with the donor? Seems like this is a secret better kept a secret imho. It’s not lol adoption where the child could connect with the birth parent, right?
And what happens when the child grows up and decides to take a DNA test?
Anonymous
07/07/2019 20:40
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
My sister’s kids are DE. She has bio kids too and waitrd for the DE kids to be old enough to understand (I think she was 5 (one of twins died just before they turned one.) Her DD understood it-surprised all by talking about DNA. Asked a few questions and then basically has never talked about again except acknowledging it when she was tell her mom/my sustee about her friend feeling no one understood her because she was adopted thus different, making connection that she was different too. So a good 5 years later. I would honestly guess OP your kids haven’t forgotten and just accept it as a fact in their life. Bring it up in a conversation to acknowledge it and let them know it’s something they can always talk about. From my sister’s experience I think you’re fine
Anonymous
07/07/2019 20:39
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
I would try to watch a movie together that has some kind of adoption or pregnancy plot point so that afterward you could engineer a conversation about how it reminded you that there are all kinds of ways to make a family, etc, etc, and when Dad and I weren’t sure we could have kids we were so glad we found DE, etc, etc.
I agree you need to get it out there again in case they forgot or are confused and afraid to bring it up.
I agree you need to get it out there again in case they forgot or are confused and afraid to bring it up.
Anonymous
07/07/2019 20:06
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
Anonymous wrote:I found out part of my Mom's origin story wasn't true at 16. I was pissed and betrayed. It's not going to get better with age. Just tell them the truth.
That was your mom's story, not yours so no, you weren't betrayed. She told them. They aren't asking questions so the question is how much more should she bring up or discuss. None - its not a secret and they will ask when they are ready.
Anonymous
07/07/2019 20:05
Subject: Donor egg-telling the kids
They know. Wait till they ask more questions. We adopted, and have a child that age. They care less about it at that age when you are open about it. We've been very open, including very open adoption with some relatives (biological but we all consider each other family so saying biological relatives is strange). Most kids at that age don't want differences.
Anonymous
07/07/2019 20:03
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
I found out part of my Mom's origin story wasn't true at 16. I was pissed and betrayed. It's not going to get better with age. Just tell them the truth.
Anonymous
07/07/2019 19:53
Subject: Re:Donor egg-telling the kids
But what will revealing even accomplish? Can your kid actually get in touch with the donor? Seems like this is a secret better kept a secret imho. It’s not lol adoption where the child could connect with the birth parent, right?