Anonymous
07/02/2019 13:16
Subject: In laws moving to town
You've accepted what you can't do: prevent grown adults from moving anywhere they please.
Here's what you CAN do:
1) Don't give your keys; if you do, make it crystal clear they are for emergencies only. If they are used in a non-emergency, take the keys away and/or change the locks.
2) Make it clear that you will enjoy seeing them more, but it needs to be scheduled with ample lead time.
3) Make it clear that if they show up unannounced, you aren't necessarily going to drop everything for them, or even invite them in. They need to call, every time, unless there is an emergency.
Keep it cheerful and firm. If they try to doorstep you, don't invite them in unless you actively want to. If they try to make too many plans, make it clear that you love seeing them, but you're not going to drop your plans and you're not going to be giving up your free time/down time.
Here's what you CAN do:
1) Don't give your keys; if you do, make it crystal clear they are for emergencies only. If they are used in a non-emergency, take the keys away and/or change the locks.
2) Make it clear that you will enjoy seeing them more, but it needs to be scheduled with ample lead time.
3) Make it clear that if they show up unannounced, you aren't necessarily going to drop everything for them, or even invite them in. They need to call, every time, unless there is an emergency.
Keep it cheerful and firm. If they try to doorstep you, don't invite them in unless you actively want to. If they try to make too many plans, make it clear that you love seeing them, but you're not going to drop your plans and you're not going to be giving up your free time/down time.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 13:12
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:I think it's really weird and selfish
OP, this is really ugly talk. Your whole post, ugly
Right now, OP fears her marriage and family life getting trampled by a force which her husband cannot manage. They will likely get things smoothed into a workable mode over time, but she has justification to feel significantly impacted, and yet disregarded.
Just because you can’t relate to her situation doesn’t mean you should insult her.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 11:56
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
I think it's really weird and selfish
OP, this is really ugly talk. Your whole post, ugly
Anonymous
07/02/2019 11:26
Subject: In laws moving to town
OP, it sounds to be like your bigger issue is with your husband. Just hold the line early about how often you will get together and don’t overshare the details of your life. I’m a PP who is glad my inlaws moved locally. They know about what I tell them about and nothing more. They knew no one when they moved but have since made a ton of friends and keep a busier social calendar than I do.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 11:12
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
thoughts & prayers
Anonymous
07/02/2019 10:56
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.
That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.
I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.
It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.
It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.
You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.
Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.
When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family
It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.
It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.
Thank you for understanding. A lot of people in this forum have no idea what it feels like. They have no boundaries, no respect for our wishes, and the MIL is very judgmental. I honestly fear we may get a divorce because of this. We are young in our relationship, it's only been a few years. The in laws don't have any other grandkids and are literally moving for us...no friends in the area. Nothing. That's a lot of pressure. My husband is great but hates disappointing them. MIL is manipulative and give him unfair ultimatums. They are also very religious and judgemental -like told me doing Yoga was praying to the devil. So much negativity and awkwardness when we are together. They are oblivious to it all.
I know I can't tell them not to move, it is just selfish and unfair to follow your kid across multiple states without even a conversation. I think that would have been more respectful. They just surprised us and said, only when I asked, that they are coming to town to look for houses this weekend. We were both blindsided.
Okay, I'm one who'd say they can move wherever they like. But both of you, with DH in the lead, can be blunt with them about realistic expectations. Early and often. Of course, then you have to enforce them. That's a question of your and DH's boundaries, not theirs.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 10:35
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.
That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.
I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.
It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.
It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.
You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.
Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.
When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family
It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.
It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.
Thank you for understanding. A lot of people in this forum have no idea what it feels like. They have no boundaries, no respect for our wishes, and the MIL is very judgmental. I honestly fear we may get a divorce because of this. We are young in our relationship, it's only been a few years. The in laws don't have any other grandkids and are literally moving for us...no friends in the area. Nothing. That's a lot of pressure. My husband is great but hates disappointing them. MIL is manipulative and give him unfair ultimatums. They are also very religious and judgemental -like told me doing Yoga was praying to the devil. So much negativity and awkwardness when we are together. They are oblivious to it all.
I know I can't tell them not to move, it is just selfish and unfair to follow your kid across multiple states without even a conversation. I think that would have been more respectful. They just surprised us and said, only when I asked, that they are coming to town to look for houses this weekend. We were both blindsided.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 08:48
Subject: In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My inlaws did this and I love it! No more vacation days burned to see them, no more smooshing in their house sharing a bathroom, no more seeing FIL in his PJ’s, and no more 5-7 day visits!
I see them a few times a month for 2-4 hours at a time. It is 10x better. And my DH can also see them alone, which he couldn’t really before.
This is the up side. I would love not to have to burn leave to see my in-laws.
Same. I'd love to never have to stay in their house again. And I could host all holidays so we could invite both parents at the same time.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 07:36
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My in-laws moved near us. My DH had previously ‘managed’ boundaries simply by being a very long drive away.
That your in-laws announced the move without ever consulting DH and you — as did mine — is evidence that they aren’t attuned to boundaries.
I had to push my DH to get better at managing boundaries directly.
It was rough for a bit, and is still a little bumpy a few years later.
It will be better if your in-laws are rational, reasonably normal people. Mine are not.
You sound deranged. In-laws don’t need to get permission from anyone to move to your town.
Of course they don’t need permission to move somewhere. But people with normal social skills don’t show up a party where they are not invited.
When the parents are moving closer simply to because the adult child is there and they don’t even stop to consider the child’s perspective, there is clearly a problem:
— they fail to see their child as an adult with a separate life
— they have a lot of expectation of fulfillment from being involved with this young family
— they have nothing else to do; they are letting go all their friends and activities solely be near a kid’s family
It’s a set-up for a big clash of expectations and autonomy.
It’s a very different than a family with healthy dynamics wanting to live near each other.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 06:42
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
How old are they? Where are their grandchildren? Are they retired yet?
Anonymous
07/02/2019 06:36
Subject: In laws moving to town
Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me sad.
+1 so much selfishness and shortsightedness
Anonymous
07/02/2019 06:30
Subject: In laws moving to town
This thread makes me sad.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 02:35
Subject: Re:In laws moving to town
I would be so upset. If it is already a done deal, there is not much you can do about it. Just do not start multiple weekly visits, dinners etc. They should not expect to be invited or included in your social life. Keep your boundaries and let them settle in and make their own friends and activities. Do not start seeing them every day or telling them every plan in your life. I hope they are not moving to your neighborhood! They need own neighborhood, stores etc. Good Luck!
Anonymous
07/02/2019 02:26
Subject: In laws moving to town
Grown ass people need permission to live in an area where you live?
Really?
You have a very high opinion of yourself, get over it.
You can control how much you see them and when they come over. You have no control over where they live.
Really?
You have a very high opinion of yourself, get over it.
You can control how much you see them and when they come over. You have no control over where they live.
Anonymous
07/02/2019 01:45
Subject: In laws moving to town
We lucked out in that we moved to SF and my SIL moved to a very affordable area so they couldn’t afford to buy a place near us.
I can see some pros in that you can just meet up for a dinner or have them come to a kids baseball game. So visits are very brief rather than multi day.
My ILs would have the expectation of going to all the practices, big events, every holiday big and small, every birthday, weekends, school pick ups, etc. Just everything and that would drive me crazy. They have no chill and no boundaries.
It makes me think about 30 years from now. I still can’t imagine just up and moving next to my kids without discussing it with them first. Seems so strange to move specifically to live near someone but not even talk to them about it.
I can see some pros in that you can just meet up for a dinner or have them come to a kids baseball game. So visits are very brief rather than multi day.
My ILs would have the expectation of going to all the practices, big events, every holiday big and small, every birthday, weekends, school pick ups, etc. Just everything and that would drive me crazy. They have no chill and no boundaries.
It makes me think about 30 years from now. I still can’t imagine just up and moving next to my kids without discussing it with them first. Seems so strange to move specifically to live near someone but not even talk to them about it.