Can you explain more about the terrorizing others and why you are afraid of the teen? I think that would be helpful to give real advice.

For petulance/reluctance to do stuff with a decent attitude, that is part of being a teen in some respect. making people afraid of you, not so much. How exactly does he act when he is told to do something he doesn't want to do, like come to dinner?

Is he your oldest child?

The SN board or even Tweens and Teens board would probably reach an audience that could help.

I have a teen who suffers from anxiety and bipolar. He’s been medicated for about the last two years. Also he’s been in residential treatment, which was really effective in addressing “thinking errors” and family reunification. I think maybe DBT could help too. But, like I said your husband is going to be a huge problem to getting your son help. Everyone in our house was onboard with helping my son and even with that, it was difficult, time consuming and expensive.

I really wish you the best. You sound like you get the problem and like you really want things to be better for your son.

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like DS is terrorizing the household, and DH is helping him do it. I was hoping for more constructive and helpful posts like this PP.

You are right in your assessment. But honestly, what can anyone offer if the other parent is going to undermine and has already rejected the notion that this is a problem. Thing is, unless your husband is going to change, which you seem to think he won’t, there are no solutions to your problem and it is only going to get worse. Sounds to me that the only thing you can do is figure out how to avoid conflict and how you will protect yourself if your son becomes violent towards you. If it were me I’d be putting money away so that I could move out if things escalate to that point.

OP here. I agree. What I described is an acceptable way for DH and certain family members to act, so that is his normal (terrorizing each other to get what they want). For the PP's who stated that they can also be this way, is there anything (non-petulant and non-terrorizing) that could help for a harmonious situation across the board - not just for you? How could we help to integrate DS into being a part of the family? DS seems to think that something was "done" to him, but this is most certainly not the case. His siblings love him, I feel DH is enabling him, and hot helping, but hurting (intentional or not). DH seems to have lots of anxiety and depression, and does not generally like seeing those close to him happy (not sure what that is called) and I want to help DS, because this must be part of the issue. I am afraid that DH is trying to take DS down with him, frankly. Has anyone medicated a young teen? What are the pros and cons? I don't want to do this. I want other answers. I don't know how to get them. Should I ask on another board or the SN forum?

I feel like DS is terrorizing the household, and DH is helping him do it. I was hoping for more constructive and helpful posts like this PP.

You are right in your assessment. But honestly, what can anyone offer if the other parent is going to undermine and has already rejected the notion that this is a problem. Thing is, unless your husband is going to change, which you seem to think he won’t, there are no solutions to your problem and it is only going to get worse. Sounds to me that the only thing you can do is figure out how to avoid conflict and how you will protect yourself if your son becomes violent towards you. If it were me I’d be putting money away so that I could move out if things escalate to that point.

Anonymous wrote:Lol. I was the petulant teen (and sometimes adult.) I would just ignore them and let them decide themselves what to do.

Maybe you can explain a little more about this behavior (I am not being facetious). What triggers your digging in your heels? What would help you not do so?

OP here. When I say plan things out, I am not just talking about vacations or things like that - I am talking about every day stuff that is impossible or totally impractical to plan out. I feel like DH is looking to make the situation worse, intentional or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen — closer to 13 or closer to 18?

Closer to 13.

At that age, he still needs you to do or supply things for him. Always give him a choice of two activities so he makes the decision for himself — one is what you want him to do, the other — his defiant choice, but with a consequence. Inform him of the consequence at the time you’re giving him the choice so he knows what he’s choosing. Think of it ahead of time and make it something he also doesn’t want to happen but you control, like no special sneakers or no internet access for a period of time that would be difficult for him. You need to hold firm on the consequences if that’s what he chooses — he needs to know you mean what you say.

Hopefully your DH won’t undermine this. If he does, seriously consider family therapy.

Thank you for your well thought out response (and not trying to derail like other PPs). The issue is exacerbated by the fact that DH has the same issues. His mother is the other person most like this, and his sister - needless to say, they do not have a lot of friends, as digging their heels in is their specialty. We take them in small doses, but I digress. I am afraid of this being the least of the problems for DS in the future. We have tried family therapy, and DH will not admit his faults or cooperate - he defends DS, so like I said, the problem is greatly exacerbated. "It is all about him". I am considering going to therapy myself, but I do not know how much effect this would have, budging a mountain and all.

I should add, DS knows that DH will stand up for him, since DH is of the same ilk, and very much empathizes - and DH actually thinks he is helping by perpetuating the messiness. DH actually suggested that we should plan things in advance, and give advance notice (days or weeks) about what we want DS to do - completely unrealistic - AND we are the parents. I feel like DS is terrorizing the household, and DH is helping him do it. I was hoping for more constructive and helpful posts like this PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of situations where the teen is refusing to do something? It’s hard to give advice without some more context. Give the two most recent.

Thank you. Yes, I fully realize that we should be in charge of our teens. Two we are, but one is petulant and fights us on everything. He is strong, and frankly, I am afraid of him, but I do not want him to know that. DH has some issues that have not been addressed, and honestly I think DH projects and pussy foots around issues to make petulant teen happy. To call it a slippery slope is an understatement. Dh has a lot of trauma, and anything DH did not enjoy (two examples are vacationing with family - DH was abused; and dinnertime - DH was "piled on" by his siblings, as they could not leave the table until DH was finished eating) - DH does not force DS to do. Which is not parenting at all, and I try to tell DH that. I am at a loss because the rest of the family is in turmoil because of it. Where to start?

This gave me pause for you, OP. If your child is around 13, this is only going to get worse. He's going to get bigger and stronger. If there is any propensity for violence, you will be more handicapped when dealing with him. I would suggest family counseling.

I agree. It's a big deal that you are scared of your child and it's not going to get better on its own. This is not garden variety sulkiness.

I thought petulant was basically in the job description for teens?

You set your boundaries and clear guidelines. Yur hold firm to what is important. You let the sulk, stomp, or do whatever they need to do, as long as it isn’t harming anyone. You keep the lines of communication open.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

DP, but lots of people? It's not an arcane or obscure word.

I agree. It's hardly esoteric.

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

People who like to read and don't converse solely in emojis and gifs.

-NP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of situations where the teen is refusing to do something? It’s hard to give advice without some more context. Give the two most recent.

Thank you. Yes, I fully realize that we should be in charge of our teens. Two we are, but one is petulant and fights us on everything. He is strong, and frankly, I am afraid of him, but I do not want him to know that. DH has some issues that have not been addressed, and honestly I think DH projects and pussy foots around issues to make petulant teen happy. To call it a slippery slope is an understatement. Dh has a lot of trauma, and anything DH did not enjoy (two examples are vacationing with family - DH was abused; and dinnertime - DH was "piled on" by his siblings, as they could not leave the table until DH was finished eating) - DH does not force DS to do. Which is not parenting at all, and I try to tell DH that. I am at a loss because the rest of the family is in turmoil because of it. Where to start?

This gave me pause for you, OP. If your child is around 13, this is only going to get worse. He's going to get bigger and stronger. If there is any propensity for violence, you will be more handicapped when dealing with him. I would suggest family counseling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

DP, but lots of people? It's not an arcane or obscure word.

Yes, and as a petulant person myself, it is also apt! Stubborn isn't exactly right -- petulant has the overtones of a grown-up temper tantrum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

I thought the same thing, had to look it Up!

She might be a foreigner. The equivalent word is common in my native country.

Nah, that PP is just not really literate. "petulant" is a perfectly common and good word used in English.

Anonymous wrote:Who in the world uses the word Petulant?

DP, but lots of people? It's not an arcane or obscure word.