Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 13:41     Subject: Re:I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
hm, I broke things off with someone not because her kid was bad but because she blamed my kid for anything that happened as a group effort among hers (sometimes more than 1), mine (just 1 kid) and sometimes others. (We were both stressed, broke single parents with kids with mental health issues so yeah, stuff happened from time to time). I was not the only person who had some issues with here or who felt she was disconnected from reality at times. But the kids did continue their friendships and after a few years I resumed contact with her, keeping some boundaries in mind, which became no longer relevant as the kids reached adulthood (and are all fine).
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 13:37     Subject: Re:I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Keep the friend, without the kids. We all need a good friend, and she may need you, too. That said, I know how hard it is to keep up with friends who don't have kids or whose kids don't play well with mine. The best thing is the world is a friendship where all the adults get along, and the kids get along, and you can all hang out, and the kids can play without making me stop talking to my friend to stop one kid from hitting another. But that won't be every family! So take the friendship you have, and don't try to make it a family friendship.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 13:27     Subject: Re:I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
People are far more tolerant of kids who are misbehaving when their parents are making an effort to correct the behavior. I have seen it on DS baseball team. There are four boys who are not the most attentive. One has punched, kicked and tripped kids. One just isn't focused but is not a huge distraction, he sort of wanders but his parents are watching and try to redirect him. One who has no interest in playing, tells the Coaches (all volunteers) he won't play and when his Mom forces him to play swings the bat with one hand or plays in the dirt. One who is easily distracted and will goof off but whose parents correct him and insist that he pay attention and be polite.

All four boys can be an issue, for different reasons, but the other parents far prefer the two kids whose parents are involved and correcting the behavior two the other two boys. More then one parent commented that the team would have been far better off without two of the boys.

It is like the kid who is melting down on the plane. Most parents have been there. You don't like it when you are a witness but you feel bad for the parents who are trying to calm the child and are bringing out whatever they can to help the kid settle down. You get angry with the kid who is melting down or behaving badly whose parents just let it go and read their book or play on their tablet.

If a kid is misbehaving they need parents to correct the behavior. It doesn't always work, because kids are kids and it is not easy, but if no effort is being made, then, well, the kid is likely to be a disaster as an adult.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:59     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
I dont care if a kid is difficult. I care about the parents reaction to the difficult child. I've cut off 2 friends for lazy parenting.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:25     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.


I have friends with difficult kids and have no problem with them because they react.to the behavior. I ended a friendship with someone because time and time again she did not correct her kids behavior. The end was when we were out at a park and her kid was throwing decent sized rocks around other kids. Mom didn't say anything so I told her to be careful because she was getting close to other kids. She didn't stop. Ds moved away from her because he'd been hit in the leg a couple times and was annoyed. She followed him, picked up a large rock, and threw it at him. Hit him in the head and ds needed 3 Staples. Former friend barely reacted to what her kid did. They were 6. That was the end of our friendship. I'm sympathetic to the challenges of raising difficult kids. But if you're not going to try to correct their behavior, I'm not going to try to be understanding


Amen to this! I had a similar situation. At some point you have to protect your kid too. It's not fair to force them to be around/on playdates with a kid who is going to hurt them physically or be emotionally abusive time and time again. I am understanding and supportive, but at the end of the day I have to have my kids best interests at heart. If the other parent either can't accept or willfully ignores their duty to discipline or correct behavior, its my duty to take my kid out of the equation.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:24     Subject: Re:I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
New poster here, and I can completely relate to the OP and others having friendships that are cracking because of child behavior issues. My kids are younger (my oldest is 6) but I'm at the point where I have absolutely zero desire to see about half of my friends with their kids in tow. Because it's impossible to have a meaningful conversation because of the amount of corrective action the parent has to take with their child, or (worse) the kid runs rampant and the parent turns a blind eye.

I've gotten to the point where I avoid hosting playdates at my house because it's a lot of work to clean and prep pre and post playdate. All to sit there witness to terrible behavior.

I'd love to do drinks/dinner with just my friends, but many of them seem reluctant to leave their little ones behind.

Sorry for the rant, but it's depressing to know this does not get better as kids mature.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:17     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.


If you've never had a kid who's hard ot discipline, you just don't get it. I have one of each and if I only had my easier one, I would probably judge too.


I’m sure it’s tough. But people here are posting about parents who don’t discipline at all or discipline feebly. In those situations, I’m sure you can understand why other parents would not want to be around those kids.

And yes, PPs, some 5- and 6-year-olds can be fouchebags, and if the parents don’t discipline them they just get worse and more annoying!


Sad, but true.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:15     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:I did what PPs are suggesting... got away from meeting with her at her home or inviting her to mine when I knew the kids would be present. Started setting up only meeting at restaurants or out for coffee.

She did finally ask why we never met at our homes and why our kids never had play dates and I admitted it was because her daughter was terrible. She was very upset, as most parents would be, and our friendship ended shortly after.

Do I miss her? Yes, 6 years later I still miss our fantastic friendship that we had for 8 years before her daughter was born and for about 5 years after she was born. Our kids are in different school districts so the only time I've seen her is across the field at a sports game. We have some mutual friends and from what I hear, I made the right choice. Her daughter is now almost 12 and a classic mean girl bully.


I have a similar situation right now, but I think the friendship will survive ,but only because my friend now realizes that her daughter has issues. We all saw the issues when her DD was in K and 1st grade, but it took her until the child was in 3rd to finally see something needed to be addressed. It finally got so bad and stressful that she couldn't ignore the reality of the situation anymore and finally decided to have her daughter do some testing and see a therapist. Our girls were very good friends in K-1, but my daughter finally had enough by 3rd grade and opted out of the friendship after years of really trying and getting hurt and frustrated. I really value this friendship and was sad and guilty that I no longer wanted to invite them as a family to group get togethers/parties. We now do coffee, lunch, drinks, etc,. It's a shame, but my husband could not stand the kid any longer, I was fed up with watching my child be hurt, and my child was done learning the lesson that you should never let someone treat you badly in the name of a "friendship". Op - I feel your pain, but know it's okay. These things happen.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:11     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.


If you've never had a kid who's hard ot discipline, you just don't get it. I have one of each and if I only had my easier one, I would probably judge too.


I’m sure it’s tough. But people here are posting about parents who don’t discipline at all or discipline feebly. In those situations, I’m sure you can understand why other parents would not want to be around those kids.

And yes, PPs, some 5- and 6-year-olds can be fouchebags, and if the parents don’t discipline them they just get worse and more annoying!
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:10     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



It’s not that her kid is difficult. She doesn’t discipline either of her kids and they are both like this. She is also the mom that does their science projects the day before they’re due when she realizes they haven’t done them.


Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.


Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 12:05     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



It’s not that her kid is difficult. She doesn’t discipline either of her kids and they are both like this. She is also the mom that does their science projects the day before they’re due when she realizes they haven’t done them.


Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.


If you've never had a kid who's hard ot discipline, you just don't get it. I have one of each and if I only had my easier one, I would probably judge too.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 11:57     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.


If you've never had a kid who's hard ot discipline, you just don't get it. I have one of each and if I only had my easier one, I would probably judge too.
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 11:52     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:It can’t be much of an actual friendship if the only quality you have to say about her is to like how she will bend over backwards for you.

Without knowing her, I’m going to extrapolate that she bends over backwards for everyone, and could use a supportive friend and not one who is going to judge her for being the person she is.


It is definitely a friendship. She is a genuinely sweet, caring person and yes does this for everyone. But how do you support a friend who is so nice she can’t eveb discipline her kids?
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 11:49     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.


I have friends with difficult kids and have no problem with them because they react.to the behavior. I ended a friendship with someone because time and time again she did not correct her kids behavior. The end was when we were out at a park and her kid was throwing decent sized rocks around other kids. Mom didn't say anything so I told her to be careful because she was getting close to other kids. She didn't stop. Ds moved away from her because he'd been hit in the leg a couple times and was annoyed. She followed him, picked up a large rock, and threw it at him. Hit him in the head and ds needed 3 Staples. Former friend barely reacted to what her kid did. They were 6. That was the end of our friendship. I'm sympathetic to the challenges of raising difficult kids. But if you're not going to try to correct their behavior, I'm not going to try to be understanding
Anonymous
Post 06/26/2019 11:49     Subject: I think I have to end a friendship over their kids
Anonymous wrote:Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.



Op again. Unfortunately in this case the kids’ behaviors are a direct result of their parents inability to ever do any effective discipline. My friend is a doormat and her husband can be a dick too. It just causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration.