Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.

Op doesn't know this woman. She could have given an STD to Op's boyfriend for all Op knows. Hopefully he didn't turn right around and give it to Op.

She also could have known all about Op but chose to have unprotected sex with this guy anyway. Maybe he told her that he was breaking up with Op.

The thing that I don't quite understand is why Op is so thoroughly convinced that this woman had unprotected sex with Op's boyfriend and that she had no clue that Op was even in the picture. How could this woman know the boyfriend's mom so well and not know about, Op? Was the mom lying and covering for her son?

OP here. I asked ex if he used protection with her after he told me. He admitted he didn’t. I asked if she even knew he had a girlfriend, and he said she didn’t know. I think ex’s mom had an inkling something was up, but she thinks he hung the moon and would look the other way.

He has been lying to you since you met him. What makes you think he's telling the truth and the whole truth about his relationship with this woman? He might be trying to make her sound completely innocent to prevent you from confronting her.

Do you seriously want this guy back? Come on, Op. Let him go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.

You think this woman won't be hurt, sad, angry or embarrassed when OP tells her? Of course she will be. The harm is going to happen either way. I personally don't care what OP does here, but let's not pretend that OP's really doing this for the other woman, that she will be spared any pain if OP tells her now. OP's just taking control of when/how the hurt happens.

She has a CHILD. If not, I'd say mind your business. But I'd send her a concerned note that truly came from a place of love.

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know. Even if I didn’t react kindly to you initially.

+1

In addition OP will know she tried. I agree that she shouldn't expect a positive reaction (or any reaction at all) but she'll feel better in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:And what if this is the woman he really will change for?

He can prove that to her. She shouldn't be kept blind. Especially with the STD risk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.

Op doesn't know this woman. She could have given an STD to Op's boyfriend for all Op knows. Hopefully he didn't turn right around and give it to Op.

She also could have known all about Op but chose to have unprotected sex with this guy anyway. Maybe he told her that he was breaking up with Op.

The thing that I don't quite understand is why Op is so thoroughly convinced that this woman had unprotected sex with Op's boyfriend and that she had no clue that Op was even in the picture. How could this woman know the boyfriend's mom so well and not know about, Op? Was the mom lying and covering for her son?

OP here. I asked ex if he used protection with her after he told me. He admitted he didn’t. I asked if she even knew he had a girlfriend, and he said she didn’t know. I think ex’s mom had an inkling something was up, but she thinks he hung the moon and would look the other way.

Yes

He was a bad boyfriend. Walk away, op, and don't look back. Be glad that you only *talked* to him about moving in together, getting married, etc. You weren't actually living with him, engaged to him or planning a wedding.

You are free to move on as is he. It doesn't sound as though things were ever as official with this guy as you had hoped they were.

I would want to know. Even if I didn’t react kindly to you initially.

And what if this is the woman he really will change for?

If you do tell her don’t expect her to believe you. He’ll make you out to be the crazy ex-girlfriend. My XDH is a sex addict and is pulling the wool over his current girlfriends eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it (we have a non-interference clause) an frankly I’m not gonna be the “crazy” X-wife. One day she’ll discover his secrets/lies on her own bc I believe he’ll slip up. Karma’s a bitch. Just sit back and watch the cards fall bc I believe one day they will.

Anonymous wrote:You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.

Op doesn't know this woman. She could have given an STD to Op's boyfriend for all Op knows. Hopefully he didn't turn right around and give it to Op.

She also could have known all about Op but chose to have unprotected sex with this guy anyway. Maybe he told her that he was breaking up with Op.

The thing that I don't quite understand is why Op is so thoroughly convinced that this woman had unprotected sex with Op's boyfriend and that she had no clue that Op was even in the picture. How could this woman know the boyfriend's mom so well and not know about, Op? Was the mom lying and covering for her son?

I am a cheater, so you can trust my advice.
(ha.)

1) you should tell her in the most factual way possible. Don't try to hide anything. Don't talk to him. But tell her so she can make up her mind. Be kind and gentle if at all possible.
2) Make sure you stay away from him.
3) are you sure that you just had unprotected sex "days apart?" and my that I'm suggesting it could easily have been hours. Not that it matters.
4) I don't think most cheaters are sex addicts. I think we're assholes.
5) He isn't remorseful. I can almost promise you that.
6) He CAN control himself. This is a choice.
7) I'm sorry you had to go through this.

I dated a guy like this longer ago than I’d care to admit. Now I have a circle of lovely girlfriends he cheated with. Or he cheated on them with me. Whatever.

Either way yes, tell her. I wish someone had told me but it was one of those perfect storm things that came out eventually.

The guy? He’s in his late 40s now and dating progressively younger women and cheating on them. All of the other women and I? Happily married with families. Water finds it’s own level in the long run.

But the poor woman deserves to be told.

Anonymous wrote:You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.

You think this woman won't be hurt, sad, angry or embarrassed when OP tells her? Of course she will be. The harm is going to happen either way. I personally don't care what OP does here, but let's not pretend that OP's really doing this for the other woman, that she will be spared any pain if OP tells her now. OP's just taking control of when/how the hurt happens.

You’re preventing harm for at least one. Tell her.