Anonymous wrote:Your wife is mean. You want to have a relationship with your parents to and love them. I think your wife could be kinder. She puts you in a difficult spot. Can’t you all get along, for a weekend?

Yup.

Is your mom actually mean to your wife, or just not her cup of tea?

I am on her side about overnight guests, though. Just tell them you aren't ready for an overnight guest and say you booked them a nice room.

Anonymous wrote:You made a bit of a mess of things by suggesting that they could stay in the future if they bought you a bed.

At this point, just bite the bullet and be honest(ish). "Mom, I should have been upfront, but we really just hate the idea of overnight houseguests. It's not you, it's just the idea of anyone staying with us is draining. Why don't you guys stay in X hotel?"

This was my thought too. Only you need to have a conversation with your wife first as to whether your parents will ever be allowed to stay in your home. Because you’re going to need to be clear with them rather than set up future expectations. For what it’s worth, I think your wife needs to give a little on this one and let the chips fall where they may. If your mom is horrible during a visit, then she has grounds for excluding from then on.

You made a bit of a mess of things by suggesting that they could stay in the future if they bought you a bed.

At this point, just bite the bullet and be honest(ish). "Mom, I should have been upfront, but we really just hate the idea of overnight houseguests. It's not you, it's just the idea of anyone staying with us is draining. Why don't you guys stay in X hotel?"

^^ I mean sympathy for DW, not OP

I don’t know the solution here — OP has backed himself into a corner — but I do know that I have sympathy for OP.

I do not want our in-laws to stay with us. Of course that sounds mean for most circumstances, but for some people, it’s the right thing to do.

My in-laws have no ability to hear — much less read — others, talk incessantly, and make way too many bodily noises. Having them around is like hosting someone else’s unpleasant toddlers. It puts me on edge to have them around, and I can only do it for a few hours at the time.

I would rather other adults be up-front and honest. Otherwise other people make an @ss of themselves, and it's not fair at all. Not fair to judge them on their response to your half-baked excuses. They haven't been given complete, correct information.

For a first visit, you should offer to pay for a hotel.

You need to man up. You were not being clear with your mom. What you should have said:

You: Sorry Mom, we're not having people stay over.
Her: Not even us?!
You: Yeah, sorry. But there are some awesome hotels nearby.

Anonymous wrote:You’re really in a pickle. Don’t accept any bedroom furniture until you talk to your wife.

And have a serious discussion with het why she doesn’t want to host your parents.

OP here: In short, my Mom has a history of saying some shitty things to my wife, which, to my mom seem like innocent comments, but I know my wife is hurt by them. Things were initially rough, but have gotten better in recent months. The other issue is that my parents often just want to get up early, hang out around the house, and stay up late, while my wife and I like to do activities outside of the house. I know all the "extreme togetherness" with my family can be alot, which is why I'm trying to be understanding of her wishes in this situation.

Op - your mistake is not being clear. "Mom, we will need for you to stay in a hotel"

"We are not inviting overnight guests"

Silent. Let the crickets chirp.

Lot of people do not invite others to stay with them, for all sorts of reasons. You do provide any explanation.

If you provide an explanation, and your Mom sees it as a problem to be solved, she will try to solve the imagined problem : buy you a guest bed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

OP here: DW and I have talked about getting a trundle bed for the guest room regardless of my parents visiting. My thinking was that by telling my mom she can get us the bed as a gift, it gives me an out for why they can't stay here this time.

You can't make fake excuses. You just say, "staying with us isn't going to be possible right now." Mom "but why" you- "it's just not possible at this time"

DH does that to me all the time. "Oh sorry we can't come to your wedding because we're still breastfeeding and kids aren't invited." Then the bride bends over backwards to make sure our kids are invited. Then DH has to squirm some saying the real reason is I'm sick and a few weeks postpartum. Just tell the truth and stop waffling.

This x1000

Yes, this. Grow a spine, op. You said you agreed with your wife, so tell your parents they aren’t welcome.

FWIW, you and your wife sound awful for totally different reasons.

You’re really in a pickle. Don’t accept any bedroom furniture until you talk to your wife.

And have a serious discussion with het why she doesn’t want to host your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

OP here: DW and I have talked about getting a trundle bed for the guest room regardless of my parents visiting. My thinking was that by telling my mom she can get us the bed as a gift, it gives me an out for why they can't stay here this time.

Do you are going to let your parents buy you a guest bed and THEN tell them that they are never allowed to use it? That is bananas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

OP here: DW and I have talked about getting a trundle bed for the guest room regardless of my parents visiting. My thinking was that by telling my mom she can get us the bed as a gift, it gives me an out for why they can't stay here this time.

You can't make fake excuses. You just say, "staying with us isn't going to be possible right now." Mom "but why" you- "it's just not possible at this time"

DH does that to me all the time. "Oh sorry we can't come to your wedding because we're still breastfeeding and kids aren't invited." Then the bride bends over backwards to make sure our kids are invited. Then DH has to squirm some saying the real reason is I'm sick and a few weeks postpartum. Just tell the truth and stop waffling.

No, he should say he's an ass, his wife is a witch and both no longer want a relationship with them. Thats the truth. The parents may be great people but they are not.

So you're okay with them staying for weekends in the future, but just not this particular weekend? Why is that?