When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He will not change. It's up to you to decide whether you can live with this or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I pretty much handle all of the logistics of our everyday life (except investing) and I’m fine with it because I’m good at it. My husband is very smart and successful and a big picture person plus he’s a great dad and husband. He’s pretty clueless about how our household functions but we’ve made a great life for ourselves both doing what we are good at. It helps that he really appreciates what I do so he can concentrate on what he does so well.

^^ when asked he will handle logistics stuff and do it well - he hasn’t lost any of our children...yet.

This is our life as well and it really works well. Besides doing his own laundry (yes!) he’s really good at straightening up after all the chaos left by me and the kids. Yesterday I ran out after breakfast when the kitchen was a mess and kids toys were all over the place. When I got home the kitchen was spotless and the toys were put away. He does stuff like this all the time but he’d have no idea how to contact our plumber, yard people, pest control people, insurance company etc etc.

My husband has little to no interest in being involved in every day planning which it seems based on the responses I may be the only person who views it as a great thing. I get to choose everything based on what fits me and my kids and not have to go back and forth with my husband on every little detail.

Now let me say I do consider what he likes when planning things out of sheer courtesy and respect towards him since I want everyone to be happy but in the end if he doesn't like it I tell him to suck it up buttercup because you had a chance to put your two cents into the pot of what were doing.

Everyone has strengths and things they want/like to do and if planning or making decisions for vacations/home buying isn't his then let it be and long as hes s good husband and pulls his marriage weight in other ways. Pick your battles and dont choose to make a fight out of e erything.

Discussions can be short if the answers are easy. They take longer if they're not. Mortgages aren't just about "financial philosophy," they're about specific numbers, budgets, and tradeoffs since most of us don't have the money to get every thing we could want in this area. What if there are tradeoffs between better schools and worse commutes, for example? Those issues NEED to be discussed as a couple, and often more than once in the context of specific properties. Or 10 years down the line Mr. Philosophy is going to be blaming his wife for getting him stuck in the suburbs, or in an aesthetically unsatisfying house, or something.

Anonymous wrote:Don't have children with him. Get great birth control - that's what you should do.

This. A young friend was on the fence about kids, but her DH was just diagnosed with HFA after losing his job. He was quickly rehired in a comparable position, but his refusal to talk about his condition or how it contributed to the job loss convinced her to get an IUD. She’s uncertain the marriage will survive and doesn’t want to coparent under those circumstances. Meanwhile, she’s taken over all the things that he can’t seem to do in the hopes that the things he does bring to the table will compensate. They are from an ethnic group where divorce is virtually unheard of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

We both know you can't just get on a plane to "somewhere." Somebody in the marriage has to set a budget, arrange time off work, buy tickets, make reservations, and pack. If they don't talk about it, then either they never travel or she does everything. And doing everything can be very lonely and stressful, even if you're not worried about whether your spouse will enjoy it.

And then repeat for every household decision. Ugh.

PP here. But it doesn’t have to be a long “discussion”. Perfect scenario. Last night I said to wife my wife do you want to go to Paris end of September early October? She said sounds great. I then notice really good deals on hotels in Madrid, said to you want to go to Madrid also, she said sound sure. I booked 3 tickets, 4 nights hotel in Paris and four nights in a hotel in Madrid. It took a grand
total of 15 minutes. Less than 1 min was conversation.

One of us will send an email to hotel a few days before we leave asking them to arrange airport transfer.

Outbound flight is in evening out of Dulles we will pack in the morning go to airport early - mid afternoon, eat early dinner, get on plain.

When we get there we will get train tickets to and from Madrid.

What grand conversation needs to be had?

My guess is her DH is responding just not to level she expects.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

We both know you can't just get on a plane to "somewhere." Somebody in the marriage has to set a budget, arrange time off work, buy tickets, make reservations, and pack. If they don't talk about it, then either they never travel or she does everything. And doing everything can be very lonely and stressful, even if you're not worried about whether your spouse will enjoy it.

And then repeat for every household decision. Ugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

Omg you are a piece of work.

Mortgage is tied up into what kind of home you buy, how much you can afford to renovate, if one will stop working when babies come.

Yes we don’t have discussions about what our rate will be, but banks will give you more than enough rope to gang yourself.

Vacations? Well if you are independently wealthy or only to day trips to eastern shore, maybe you can be careless. But most vacations require significant financial costs, planning, packing, and scheduling. Even full service resorts: let’s say your kids want to go kayaking, you need to book before the trip.

I mean as a single adult you can fly to the hotel, stay at hotel pool, and drink heavily. VACATION!! But still SMH.

Anonymous wrote:So just handle that stuff yourself without discussion. Let him know he can have some input whenever he wants to discuss it but otherwise you will take care of it.

Nope, this is the path to resentment and eventually divorce. Definitely don't have kids with him, if you haven't. As a PP said, he is still a child and that makes you his mother, which will not work in a marriage.

You can try counseling: the counselor will suggest things like a weekly business meeting for the household, and a separate date night where you don't talk about chores. That can work. Although, if he can't notice that things need to be done and do them, you will still be doing more than half: you may or may not be okay with that. It's very common but that doesn't make it right for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very dreamy and a romantic. His interests are art, politics, philosophy, literature and religion.

That’s all fine but I want for us to figure out logistics of every day life. Finances and mortgages and vacations.

He gets so bored and checks out whenever I try to bring up any of those topics.

I don’t know what to do.

How convenient! He does not want to talk or deal with life!

I am similar to OPs DH ( outside of the religious part, and more business heavy). The issues is a lot of this doesn’t need to be a discussion, or at the very least it doesn’t need to be a regular one..

Mortgage discussion doesn’t need to be more they 5 minutes. Most of a mortgage is actually dictate by some else based on your income and debt. Either stretch it or be more conservative. If you are at the point of purchasing a house with someone you probably know there financial philosophy.

Vacations, ever read the vacation threads on here. People turn vacations into trips and make both more miserable than they need to be.
You get on a plain or in a car and you go somewhere enjoy it and leave. Again if you are married you know what type of traveler your spouse is and you know what type accommodations they prefer.

Anonymous wrote:I pretty much handle all of the logistics of our everyday life (except investing) and I’m fine with it because I’m good at it. My husband is very smart and successful and a big picture person plus he’s a great dad and husband. He’s pretty clueless about how our household functions but we’ve made a great life for ourselves both doing what we are good at. It helps that he really appreciates what I do so he can concentrate on what he does so well.

^^ when asked he will handle logistics stuff and do it well - he hasn’t lost any of our children...yet.

I pretty much handle all of the logistics of our everyday life (except investing) and I’m fine with it because I’m good at it. My husband is very smart and successful and a big picture person plus he’s a great dad and husband. He’s pretty clueless about how our household functions but we’ve made a great life for ourselves both doing what we are good at. It helps that he really appreciates what I do so he can concentrate on what he does so well.

Does he do what you tell him when you tell him to do something (eg, “pick up milk on the way home”)? While not ideal, take care of the practical stuff and tell him which things he’s doing. If he doesn’t even do that, then I agree with the others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept that you’re going to do it all yourself without his help/input, or divorce him.

This. Seriously.

Do not have more than one child. He is still one.

Don’t have any children with him unless you are ok doing 99% of the care and making all the decisions, including medical.

Anonymous wrote:Either accept that you’re going to do it all yourself without his help/input, or divorce him.

This. Seriously.

Do not have more than one child. He is still one.