My DH lied to me. I never had proof positive nor did I sleuth like a PI, because I didn't want that kind of life. I caught him in it, we went to counseling, he had a 2nd round of lying. I stayed for my kids at first and gave myself the freedom to not get over it. I didn't forgive him for probably 2 years or more. But I have now. Only you can tell if he is a) remorseful and b) if your marriage had underlying issues that you need to resolve. Maybe those issues led to the (not appropriate, but perhaps forgivable) transgressions. DCUM crowd & wider culture doesn't support this type of forgiveness & will paint you as a doormat, your DH as a cheater for life. It's not their marriage. Only yours. I literally think of my forgiveness of my DH as something that is close to miraculous that I am grateful for. It took a really, really long time. I agree with PP who suggested baths, music, flowers, wine, whatever you need to take care of your needs. Make your DH step up more with your children so you get time for self-preservation/self-care. My therapist says that culturally we get this message that no one reconciles after affairs but that in her experience that's not the case behind closed doors. She says those shouting the loudest have usually not been in this situation. Hugs to you, OP.

You said you fell out of love with him and your sex life was diminishing. You opened the door for him to have an affair and he was an idiot for walking through it. The affair is on him but you bear some of the blame.

I wish I'd gotten out after the "first" incident, which I later discovered was only the first I caught him in. He confessed because he was caught, and he appeared remorseful, but he was cheating again inside six months.

Cheaters will cheat. It's a stress reaction for them, like alcohol for alcoholics.

Leave him now or find yourself here again in two years or five, older and with more kids.

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat. I know, I am one. He/she will cheat again once the dust settles.

A sad life you've chosen.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

Deal with it or divorce.

Cheaters cheat. I know, I am one. He/she will cheat again once the dust settles.

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

Yes it is. There are many highs and lows in every marriage. Cheating isn't a solution and is a total deal breaker imo.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

This

I don’t get this. He should leave if he’s not happy. Not cheat. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?

This

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

Laughable, truly awful advice

She cut him off from sex. He got sex somewhere else. See the connection?

OP, I’m sorry you’re being attached here. What a terrible time this must be for you. I can only speak from my experience.

I gave my marriage a year after discovering cheating to see how my XH handled the aftermath. He was remorseful etc for maybe a month. Then a lot of underlying relationship issues came back, counseling was a disaster, and nothing had changed for the better. I made an honest effort, and I imagine some marriages could recover, but mine didn’t.

Take very good care of yourself at this time. Grieve. There may be a way forward together, but there’s no going back to what you had. I suggest hot baths, exercise, crying, journaling, therapy, wine, and girlfriends to talk to, not necessarily in that order. Big hugs.

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

Laughable, truly awful advice

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

Also, if he ever hits you, it's probably because you couldn't keep you mouth shut or you don't do the dishes correctly.

I don’t condone violence, but choosing to load the dishwasher incorrectly is an understandable trigger.

Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know

+1. You cut him off from sex, he cheated. Accept responsibility for YOUR role in the cheating

If you don't want sex with him why do you care if he gets it somewhere else? What is he supposed to do?