Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: are you fat?

No

Rephrased: OP, are you curvy?

I’m a size 6.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: are you fat?

No

Rephrased: OP, are you curvy?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

Cheaters seek out people that are needy or who they deem will accept it or forgive. Early on she needs to make sure she knows the guys past, his values and morals etc. The mom and dad's relationship etc.

OP here. Of course I will be - already am - much more vigilant about the big picture in choosing a partner going forward. I had history with my XH, which I thought meant I could be more trusting. I was wrong. History is a minor component in getting to know the many sides of a person.

Yes but study their history before you. Did they cheat and how were their other relationships? History tends to repeat.

If I were ever single again, and became serious I would do a pre-marital type counseling to see how compatible we are. Many uncomfortable subjects comes up both would need to answer. If he thinks cheating is ok in some circumstances, or it's the other spouses fault then I'd run. There are always signs, but we miss them. I did with a old boyfriend until I saw time gaps and sure enough...

You may want to start a gratitude journal. There are so, so many people in worse situations than what you and I are in. I'm divorced 4 years, quite a bit older than you, and felt hopeless and sad for the first 2.5 years. I started reframing how I talk to myself, started thinking about how nice it is to sleep/wake/travel/watch/listen to whatever I like, (which was not possible in my rather abusive marriage.) I started befriending people who really appreciated my attention: elderly neighbors, tradespeople working for me, people with very little English, even (sounds crazy but true) a homeless person that I found sleeping on my property. I just started to see the world as lots of people in need of human kindness, and only a small fraction of them have a significant other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

I’ve been in therapy since my marriage ended, two years ago. I was raised in a dysfunctional environment- both of my parents have serious issues. My pattern historically drew me to “bad boys,” and distinguishing what makes a 40-year-old a “bad boy” has been interesting to parse out. I’ve grown so much in terms of self-awareness, and my self-esteem is higher now than it’s ever been.

In short, I’m a work in progress, but I’ve done an enormous amount of healing and learning.

You’re on the right track. I left an abusive relationship 9.5 years ago, and have been with a true partner who I hope to marry for 1.5 years. I was single for a LONG time before I found him, and he was worth the wait. Whether he wants a future with me is up to him, I hope he does. If not I’ll find my way forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

Cheaters seek out people that are needy or who they deem will accept it or forgive. Early on she needs to make sure she knows the guys past, his values and morals etc. The mom and dad's relationship etc.

OP here. Of course I will be - already am - much more vigilant about the big picture in choosing a partner going forward. I had history with my XH, which I thought meant I could be more trusting. I was wrong. History is a minor component in getting to know the many sides of a person.

Anonymous wrote:What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

Cheaters seek out people that are needy or who they deem will accept it or forgive. Early on she needs to make sure she knows the guys past, his values and morals etc. The mom and dad's relationship etc.

"so sad and scared"

This says a lot. Most people who are married aren't with their true partner. For most it doesn't exist I'm afraid. Doesn't mean you won't find someone, but your life happiness shouldn't be dependent on having a man.

It's that saying about "wanting and having".