Anonymous
05/30/2019 14:25
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:I would not accept this nor allow my child to accept this. You are placing too many expectations on her between tuition, job, etc and dictating her life in terms of what her future looks like in forcing her to work for FIL if that is not what she wants. This sounds very generous but in reality it is very selfish. If you want a relationship great, but don't place financial strings on it.
+1 on the surface it seems generousl, but its all about control.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 19:19
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:If you say half sister one more time I’m
Going to scream
Yes, there is that.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 19:13
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
If you say half sister one more time I’m
Going to scream
Going to scream
Anonymous
05/29/2019 15:07
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
OP- I'm giving advice as someone who also does not have contact with a parent and doesn't wish to.
Your half sister is an adult now. Start a college saving plan account for her through your state. Put the money in it and name her as the beneficiary. The money is only eliable to be used on education expenses- so that solves a lot of problems.
Reach out to her and let her know about the account. I would leave the ball in her court on whether she wants the money or a relationship with you and I would not offer an internship at this time. That sounds like "strings attached"
As for your mother and stepfather knowing, you can ask her to not discuss you with them- but you can't control what she will or will not share with them about her life. But so what if they find out. Don't engage with communicating with them if you don't want to.
Your half sister is an adult now. Start a college saving plan account for her through your state. Put the money in it and name her as the beneficiary. The money is only eliable to be used on education expenses- so that solves a lot of problems.
Reach out to her and let her know about the account. I would leave the ball in her court on whether she wants the money or a relationship with you and I would not offer an internship at this time. That sounds like "strings attached"
As for your mother and stepfather knowing, you can ask her to not discuss you with them- but you can't control what she will or will not share with them about her life. But so what if they find out. Don't engage with communicating with them if you don't want to.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:52
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
I would not accept this nor allow my child to accept this. You are placing too many expectations on her between tuition, job, etc and dictating her life in terms of what her future looks like in forcing her to work for FIL if that is not what she wants. This sounds very generous but in reality it is very selfish. If you want a relationship great, but don't place financial strings on it.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:48
Subject: Re:helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:I'd reach out through the aunt to help reconnect with your half sister. Then find out the full detail about the cost - how much is a loan versus how much might be need based scholarship. Be careful in how you do this because if there is need based scholarship available, your stepping in might jeopardize it. The devil is in the details. The odds are that your mother will find out about it but don't let that be an issue. Your half sister is very lucky to have you in her life.
PP - I had not read your second message. Your husband and FIL are incredibly generous.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:46
Subject: Re:helping out my half sister college tuition
I'd reach out through the aunt to help reconnect with your half sister. Then find out the full detail about the cost - how much is a loan versus how much might be need based scholarship. Be careful in how you do this because if there is need based scholarship available, your stepping in might jeopardize it. The devil is in the details. The odds are that your mother will find out about it but don't let that be an issue. Your half sister is very lucky to have you in her life.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:23
Subject: Re:helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. The family is in the donut hole so my sister is not getting any financial aid and she is not qualified for merit aid. It is a long story but my mother and step-father stole my college saving money for their gambling addition. They didn't save any money for my half sister college either. I also had my own demon to deal with and for a very long time, I blamed them, including my sister, for the situation. It took me a long time to realize that it was not her fault. My own DH and FIL showed me that I just do not walk away from your flesh and blood. I still have problems with my parents but I would like to amend for what I did with my sister. My FIL already set aside a big chunk of money for a trust fund and DH is going pay for the college cost @ U. of Chicago. I don't want my sister to take on loan because I want her to have a piece of mind in college. My wonderful FIL will get her internship and job after graduation.
I will reach out to my sister directly and report back.
This is all so strange to me. You have no idea who your sister is as a person. You are offering her too much cushion, as she is still a stranger to you.
Also - what if she does not want internship / job / whatever in industry of FIL? Is her working for him the condition of the gift? This should be assessed, and discussed with her.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:21
Subject: Re:helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:OP here. The family is in the donut hole so my sister is not getting any financial aid and she is not qualified for merit aid. It is a long story but my mother and step-father stole my college saving money for their gambling addition. They didn't save any money for my half sister college either. I also had my own demon to deal with and for a very long time, I blamed them, including my sister, for the situation. It took me a long time to realize that it was not her fault. My own DH and FIL showed me that I just do not walk away from your flesh and blood. I still have problems with my parents but I would like to amend for what I did with my sister. My FIL already set aside a big chunk of money for a trust fund and DH is going pay for the college cost @ U. of Chicago. I don't want my sister to take on loan because I want her to have a piece of mind in college. My wonderful FIL will get her internship and job after graduation.
I will reach out to my sister directly and report back.
This is all so strange to me. You have no idea who your sister is as a person. You are offering her too much cushion, as she is still a stranger to you.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 14:19
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
OP, you married into a wonderful family. i can't believe how kind you husband and FIL are.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 09:20
Subject: Re:helping out my half sister college tuition
If you are afraid of your mother and step father thinking there is more money where that came from and trying to hound you. Perhaps you can couch as that your FIL is keen on education and would like to sponsor your sister's education. Tell her to think of it as a full ride scholarship. I don't think you can make her keep it a secret.
I do second the suggestions of reaching out now, before you tell her of her good fortune. I would also talk with a professional to help you maintain your boundaries with your mother and step-father, but create new less stiff ones with your sister.
I do second the suggestions of reaching out now, before you tell her of her good fortune. I would also talk with a professional to help you maintain your boundaries with your mother and step-father, but create new less stiff ones with your sister.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 08:39
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
OP, get to know her first. Your relationship will then not be kickstarted by financial transactions and her gratitude. It’ll be about the two of you and what you can build between you. Then you can help with her loans after she graduates. Or if after a year or so you see she’s having to work too much while taking classes, you can revisit giving her immediate financial help.
You also need to figure out how to have a relationship with her without requiring her to operate in secrecy. Why don’t you want your mother and stepfather to know? Are you afraid they’ll try to get money from you? You can help her along the way with little gifts of spending money, gift cards, and so on—the kinds of things that can be really timely when you’re a student.
You also need to figure out how to have a relationship with her without requiring her to operate in secrecy. Why don’t you want your mother and stepfather to know? Are you afraid they’ll try to get money from you? You can help her along the way with little gifts of spending money, gift cards, and so on—the kinds of things that can be really timely when you’re a student.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 08:21
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
Anonymous wrote:Pay the school directly for her tuition.
I did something similar but I got a lawyer in another city to write to individual and tell person they had received a personal, anonymous, academic scholarship. It worked out fine. It's a lovely thing to do and the person I helped has paid it forward for a couple of kids.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 08:05
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
I would pay for tuition anonymously through your aunt. What if your mom and step dad try to get money from you after knowing your financial situation? Your aunt can present it as a ‘needs based scholarahip’ open to applicants who were accepted but have no way to pay for it. Your aunt knows the generous donor and your step sister needs to write an essay as to why she wants to attend Univ of Chicago and what it would mean to her. The rules of the scholarship are maintain a certain gpa and tuition will be directly paid upon receipt of the tuition bill. There are ways you can stay out of it if you really want to be anonymous.
Anonymous
05/29/2019 06:57
Subject: helping out my half sister college tuition
Like you, I have much younger half siblings on the brink of starting college. You should probably get to know her before doing this. For one of my siblings, I am not sure this would be a good thing. For the other, a miracle.