This is OP. Thank you all for the thoughts and the well-wishes. PP wrote: "You can’t control what you think you can by choosing the perfect donors." I think this is an imp. realization and one we will have to be comfortable with bc my eggs are out no matter what.

Someone else posed if we tried 2 cycles of donor egg and it didnt work how would we feel about donor embryo. We would 100% be kicking ourselves for walking away from this opportunity. These embryo's were created by a single mom who had success with 1 of the embryos from the cohort and was done. The grades are 4AA, 3AA and 4AB so high-quality. Our RE says this has a very high probability for success.

What I have realized is I haven’t had some lightning flash -- yes this is right, this is OUR embryo. Its more: on balance, weighing the options, this is the best move forward. I have decided I am fine with that being my emotional status and its okay that I dont have some TV moment of certainty at this point.

There is no perfect donor combination out there that will ever replace your own egg/sperm combination. There just isn't. If you can accept that and move on, the opportunity you're faced with sounds pretty terrific to me.

My kids are from DE and I am astonished at how little I think about that now (they are 2nd graders.) Sometimes I have to remind myself they have a different genetic makeup, but it seems less and less relevant every year. I no longer wish my path to parenting were different, because if it were these two people wouldn't exist. And I can't imagine a world without them.

They are my kids through and through. The genetics really are surprisingly irrelevant now.

Just offering that perspective from "the other side" of this process. Healthy, happy baby - that's the goal. Does the hair color, shape of the nose, height, etc... really matter? Your child will become your child through a magical alchemy that is much more that just the sum of the genetic pieces.

Good luck OP, whatever path turns out to be the right one for you.

OP gives us an update.

People who say genetics is a crapshoot don’t know anything about genetics. But those RE doctors did when they bred for a light skinned Latino. Most DE donors are Caucasian and many patients are frustrated by that. Problem solved.

This sounds like a wonderful opportunity to start a family at less than the cost of going the route of creating embryos with a DE and DHs sperm. My DH and I had success with a DE (egg not embryo) 2+ years ago and, I must say, I don’t even think about the fact that my son is not genetically related to me. One question I would ask before proceeding with donor embryos is the following: How many embryos did the first couple use? As you likely know, since it sounds like you have been thru several IVF cycles, when you go thru IVF, the clinic grades each embryo and selects for implantation the one that has developed the best. The first couple has therefore used the highest grade embryo or embryos. This may be a non- issue as the clinic should only have frozen high quality embryos, but, if I were in your shoes I’d want more details about these embryos, how many were there originally, what qualified these embryos to be frozen, and whether the clinic thinks there are any additional risks you face from using an embryo from this batch. Good luck, and, as someone who went the DE route, I concur with the PP that the money for DE is worth it!

Genetics is a crapshoot even with your own DNA. Kids don’t necessarily look like parents. Kids aren’t necessarily as academic as parents. You can’t control what you think you can by choosing the perfect donors. Think about how the universe has given you this opportunity. Think about the money saved. I really hope this works out for you. Good luck.

I don’t think you every truly know. Would most people who used donor egg or donor embryos love if they had not needed ARTs at all? Sure. Do they love their kids a ton and is their world filled with joy (and all the trials of parenting) yes. Do most look down and see the person and the learned traits (he laughs like me, she crinkles her nose like her dad when she is thinking). Of course. Could there be a pang of - he does not have my nose? Sure. But many people here who have used donor embryos or adopted tell stories of people meeting them and pointing out some trait that is biological but that the kids have.

Unfortunately, this path sucks and there is no road map and a child is precious. So you can’t try it out and see how you would feel. What happens if you do two cycles of donor egg and nothing sticks? Would that change the equation? (Not saying do that but imagine it. If then you would be open to donor embryos, then take this opportunity). If you would still be conflicted, don’t.

I know friends where the man felt like it was cheating on the wife to use donor eggs and was not comfortable with only his DNA being present. So they did not go that route.but you have to have the hard conversation about what you are comfortable with.

Anonymous wrote:“created donor embryos “ for a clinic that now they want you to take because left over. I would run.

“created donor embryos “ for a clinic that now they want you to take because left over. I would run.

OP If you are happy go ahead. But there are plenty of donor embryos to choose from available.
When we did DE we had specific things that we were looking for (healthy being one of them) and others. At that time, long ago, counseling was mandatory and we had time to think things over. It was embarrassing at first to say we wanted this and that but the DE counselor was very understanding. Sometimes she would say this one I recommend over this one because better match.
Our result (DCs are adults) is much more like what we expected than different than we expected. We are very very happy with the results. But we felt that way from the beginning.
It concerns me a bit that the description is basically “light skinned Latino” which raises expectations of that. Genetics doesn’t work that way; ie result will be that. And this is a nice couple we (the doctor) liked with some extra embryos.
You are bringing a child into the world that will be yours for the rest of your life.
But if you are saying this is the one for me! Then that’s the right one for you.

Anonymous wrote:How can I ask this gently? Let’s see...

If you had clearer photos of the sperm donor, say at 7, 18, and 30 and could see how “Latino” he appeared, would that change your mind?

People in this area tend to think mestizo when they hear Latino, but it is a non-racial ethnic category. One can be a blond, blue eyed fair-skinned Latino; an ebony-skinned, kinky haired one; or a dead-ringer for Tupac Amaru.

It’s not unreasonable for you to worry that your child will look ethnically different enough that people will assume one or both of you isn’t the biological parent. You just have to decide if that is a secret worth being a barrier to getting a baby ASAP.

Hmm. I understand what you are asking and I don't think so. The profile says "tall dark and handsome" and a complexion year-round that looks like "he's been hanging out on the beach." Neither of those descriptions bother me... And yes there are difference between skin tone and features but who know which recessive traits the combo of genes will produce. (For example, my niece has her great grandfather's nose that her grandfather and mother did not have).

I also understand that these profiles are written in a way that allows you to paint your own picture but its probably not real. That is why as I turn over each possibility I realize maybe the particulars dont matter that much once the main boxes are checked.

How can I ask this gently? Let’s see...

If you had clearer photos of the sperm donor, say at 7, 18, and 30 and could see how “Latino” he appeared, would that change your mind?

People in this area tend to think mestizo when they hear Latino, but it is a non-racial ethnic category. One can be a blond, blue eyed fair-skinned Latino; an ebony-skinned, kinky haired one; or a dead-ringer for Tupac Amaru.

It’s not unreasonable for you to worry that your child will look ethnically different enough that people will assume one or both of you isn’t the biological parent. You just have to decide if that is a secret worth being a barrier to getting a baby ASAP.

I hear a lot of hesitation in your post. More research needed

I remember looking at those blurry toddler pictures. So little information. I felt so desperate at the time. The donor we picked worked out perfectly for us. But I wanted that genetic connection.

^^ if it was an adoption and the baby was born it would be different. The baby is there. I wanted the tie with my DH. So many of the characteristics of my children are present in my DH and I appreciate that.
If you are 100% sure then of course you should do it. But in our experience we were offered a number of different options that in retrospect I’m glad we didn’t accept.
Many tough decisions in this area. Best to you.