OP diabetes even well controlled causes irritability and watching the news doesn’t help.

IDC.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she had any hobbies in the past? Is there a way you gently nudge her to get back into them? My parents are in their early 70s and really involved in their hobbies and volunteering with their church. My mom gardens and teaches Sunday school, my dad makes furniture and also volunteers at the church soup kitchen. I think it's important to have a social outlet and also to feel productive at whatever age.

No real hobbies ever, no real fitness or reading habits to return to. Your parents sound wonderful! Mom goes to church but never volunteers. Never has, never would. She’s not innately awful but she is very solipsistic. She’s been retired for well over 15 years and has been watching tv ever since. I tried to encourage volunteering and docenting - she’s be great - and my pulling the app together pissed her off. She was all but dissertation in a doctorate in education and speaks three languages. See my frustration? But: it’s her life. She chose to live later middle into older age literally doing nothing. Her choice and one I hope I don’t make.

I have read this sentence about five times and can't for the life of me figure out what it means or what you meant to say.

Anonymous wrote:Has she had any hobbies in the past? Is there a way you gently nudge her to get back into them? My parents are in their early 70s and really involved in their hobbies and volunteering with their church. My mom gardens and teaches Sunday school, my dad makes furniture and also volunteers at the church soup kitchen. I think it's important to have a social outlet and also to feel productive at whatever age.

No real hobbies ever, no real fitness or reading habits to return to. Your parents sound wonderful! Mom goes to church but never volunteers. Never has, never would. She’s not innately awful but she is very solipsistic. She’s been retired for well over 15 years and has been watching tv ever since. I tried to encourage volunteering and docenting - she’s be great - and my pulling the app together pissed her off. She was all but dissertation in a doctorate in education and speaks three languages. See my frustration? But: it’s her life. She chose to live later middle into older age literally doing nothing. Her choice and one I hope I don’t make.

Has she had any hobbies in the past? Is there a way you gently nudge her to get back into them? My parents are in their early 70s and really involved in their hobbies and volunteering with their church. My mom gardens and teaches Sunday school, my dad makes furniture and also volunteers at the church soup kitchen. I think it's important to have a social outlet and also to feel productive at whatever age.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I’m op. She has no signs of memory or functional troubles. But she is anxious and though her whole life is tv and doctors appointments she won’t put in a tai chi class and an initial meeting with a therapist or psychiatrist in there.

Sorry, OP.

Cable news and Facebook have hollowed out the minds of many Americans.

Reading is way way better. Can you perhaps get her to agree to a no-TV day once a week?

That’s a good idea - maybe I buy two copies of one book and send one to her and we talk about it? But she’s ignored gifts of books I’ve given her in the past.

She’s always a narrow mean streak but the way she’s been lately is worse. I don’t know if I’m seeing dementia or personality change or neither. And I love her but we are different; I shouldn’t have written that I don’t want to be like her though at the same time I don’t!

"As we age we stay the same, only more so."

It could be worse, OP. She could watching Fox News.

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop telling your mom things. I know it’s hard. It feels like you should be able to share everything with your mom but she just gets anxious and uses what you say against you. I had a similar problem with my mom and once I learned to share less with her things got better. Good luck!

This is great advice, thanks. I think I had a fantasy where the comments and anxiety would dissipate but she’s over 75. I have my own life and love her but don’t need to help her be a better self. I’d rather protect myself and my kid and have more distance, I think I just couldn’t admit that to myself. I have friends with vibrant, emotionally stable, non self-pitying/non worry wart moms and felt wistful and envious, to be honest.

OP, stop telling your mom things. I know it’s hard. It feels like you should be able to share everything with your mom but she just gets anxious and uses what you say against you. I had a similar problem with my mom and once I learned to share less with her things got better. Good luck!

Getting old(er!) is not for the faint of heart.

Or those around them.

At seventy, your Mother is simply set very much in her ways.
She also will have less filter on her as yes, certain things will no longer bother her.

I understand your anger toward what she said to you.
But speaking as someone who lost her own Mother at a young age, try to be grateful that she is still w/you and that your child has a Grandmother.

Appreciate what you still have left + know that there are some things not to be taken too seriously.
Enjoy the time you have now.
For life is not forever.

I won’t talk to her about anything, really. It makes me very sad but I don’t have other options. She gets upset over everything and is nasty as hell to me. If we talk about my child’s school she always first brings up and then “reminds” me repeatedly to be careful during the commute with an increasingly upset tone even after “yes, Mom, I know, Mom.” It’s hard to explain unless you’ve BTDT I think - there is no clear way to have any conversation and I’m tired of feeling a sense of having to take hits because her views are ridiculous and mean.

She sees doctors for allergies and well-controlled diabetes. She’s got a baffling number of appointments and I think there’s another BTDT element to this. One of my closest friends has a mom who got one foot run over by a city bus and suffered a partial amputation with spiraling consequences over time. She’s never “why me” over this, and is extraordinarily independent - ended a not great marriage in her 60s, reads constantly. My friend has a MIL from the same part of the world as my mom and has called the endless discussion of routine life matters “[their names] problems.” I just wish it were different.

I know this is weird but I hope everyone has a good rainy Mother’s Day.

Anonymous wrote:You said she won’t seek treatment but then also said she sees a lot of doctors?

Anyway, I don’t think you need to feel so lucky to have someone in your life that calls you a shithead. Why would you feel guilty about that? That’s a legit reason to be pissed off. Let go of your feelings of guilt. That’s not about getting older, watching cable tv, or losing filters- I’ve known lots of older people and not known anyone who called their kids shitheads.

This is my answer, and I’d like to add to it to say that since you know she has anxiety, you should also not talk to her about things that make her anxious, but don’t announce that beforehand.

You said she won’t seek treatment but then also said she sees a lot of doctors?

Anyway, I don’t think you need to feel so lucky to have someone in your life that calls you a shithead. Why would you feel guilty about that? That’s a legit reason to be pissed off. Let go of your feelings of guilt. That’s not about getting older, watching cable tv, or losing filters- I’ve known lots of older people and not known anyone who called their kids shitheads.

What type of physicians is she seeing? With so many appts something is bothering her physically at least. She may be in pain and that can become very waring.

And also try to look at how lucky you have her and how she treats you as two separate things