My brother and I are in our 50s, and our mom lived 1.5 miles from each of us. We've both been married for 20 years, and I've watched this go down now for that long.

From the first mother's day when she was still pregnant, my brother's wife insisted that mother's day was "her" day so my brother could spend either Saturday or Monday with my mother, but not the actual day.

Some of you may think this is reasonable. But I want to put this view into perspective by adding an element that makes the choice come into focus...

Many years she would celebrate it with HER mother, who lived 1 mile from my mother, and my brother was to come, but not to go visit his own mother. That is how this line of thinking logically goes.

So here is the thing: I GET it...my brother has to live with and sleep with his wife, and keep the family together and not start marital war, so he's going to do what she says.

However; my brother's wife is NOT my brother's mother. He has a mother, and it's Mother's Day and imo he should be celebrating his own mother at some point during that day.

Yes this gets tricky especially when little kids are involved; he needs to help them celebrate their mother, his wife.

But in a situation where you, geographically, you can visit BOTH, I think it's important for the wife to let her husband see his own mother.

So if the wife is the breakfast in bed/spa type, then get her breakfast in bed, and when she goes to the spa, take the kids to see grandma. Or something. Or mom comes down for dinner with the family. Many configurations are possible.

I will say this: It really hurt my mom's feelings. She was wonderful and sucked it up. She was always kind to my SIL. But it hurt; I know, because I was there and heard about it, every year.

My mom's memorial is tomorrow. I'm supposed to be packing but am stalling on DCUM instead.

I just want to say, in general, wives of DHs have many, many, many more mother's days in their future. Moms of DHs don't have many. It was hard to watch, especially when my mom was in bad health, knowing each mother's day might be her last, and my brother was not there. When there was no reason that he couldn't have split the day, BUT-FOR my SIL insisting that "I'm a mother now. Mother's Day is MY day now."

Once you are a mother, you are always a mother. And my mom didn't have her husband anymore; it's just us adult kids. If the adult kids don't do anything, she's alone on that day.

I don't really understand if my SIL realizes what she is teaching her son. If he internalizes this, then she's going to be old, alone, around the corner but not visited on mother's day.

we hate mothers day in my family.

it just seems to be an excuse for the "moms" (two moms and a step) of the older generation to yell and scream about how inadequate we are.

it has never been about me in the slightest.

Anonymous wrote:You should celebrate both--why does it have to be one or the other? It seems a lot of wives don't like sharing MD with their MILs which doesn't make sense. Doesn't DH need to share this day with his mom too?

It's really up to the DW to decide what she wants and for DH to work around it--I'd say the same for Father's Day in reverse.

Neither grandmother is local, so it makes sense to either call and send a card or celebrate another time.

You're a good DH. My MIL lives with us so not sharing Mother's Day isn't really an option. Except this year, she's out of town, so I get it to myself. I didn't think I cared or minded sharing until now, haha! I don't, really, just will be nice to be just us.

My dh cooks a big brunch or bbq and invites our moms also. I’m not traveling but they’re welcome to visit on mother’s day. MIL usually declines (not sure why) and my mom comes if she’s in town.

Anonymous wrote:We spend mother’s day with extended family - MIL, SIL, and two nieces who are also mothers. You don’t stop being a mom when you have grandkids. We decided to make it work so we celebrated everyone. We are the ones who moved away so we travel to them. My mother has passed so we don’t celebrate with my side of the family.

We do a similar thing. MIL and SIL are local so we all get together for breakfast or brunch, and then we all do our own thing the rest of the day. My mom lives on the west coast so she’ll get a phone call.

I'm a mom of young kids and I'm fine with focusing on the grandparent generation for MD. My mom is visiting us this year so we aren't seeing my MIL but we could switch to see MIL next year. MIL is fine with it. DH did chip in with his siblings for a really nice present for his mom so that's covered. For OP, I guess it depends on his DW.

OP, you sound like a thoughtful person. I hope you all have a good weekend!

Do something with your mom on an off-day, like the Saturday before, in future years.

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why your mom would ask if you are coming when she knows you have a wife, plus an MIL equally nearby. It’s one thing for you to invite her somewhere; it’s another for her to assert that she is the priority.

So before the kids were born I think we would just do the holiday separately which in my mind made sense so maybe she just assumed we would continue doing it that way. Or, I dunno, maybe just as I assumed once there were kids you spent the day with DW and kids she assumed I would be spending it with her. Clearly there is a divergence of opinions moreso that I thought there would be.

Anyways, just to follow up, I talked to DW about it and my initial instinct was correct that she would like to spend the day with me and the kiddos. She specifically wants to do brunch which I understand because our toddler is a pancake monster and it's fun watching her go to town on pancakes. My mom already has plans for Saturday with my dad and this other couple they hang out with so Saturday looks shot on their end. I'm going to propose we do something next weekend. I guess going forward I will keep this in mind and try to book something with my mom the Saturday before Mother's Day.

I just don’t understand why your mom would ask if you are coming when she knows you have a wife, plus an MIL equally nearby. It’s one thing for you to invite her somewhere; it’s another for her to assert that she is the priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to choose. Unless you have an all-day event planned, you can split your time between them, or you could plan a different day to see your mom. She's still your mom, so yes, I think it's reasonable for her to want to see you at least some time around Mother's Day because you're in driving distance.

OP here and see my post above about everyone being 1.5 hours away. I mean, I'm sure DW would like to spend time with her mom too so it's basically slicing the day up into thirds unless everyone came up here. I like the idea of planning a different day though to see my mom and maybe just shifting the celebration a bit or like someone else said doing breakfast w/ my mom.

Ask your wife what she wants to do. If you want to host all the moms, you'd better make sure that you are the one doing the hosting. Your wife plans NONE OF IT. She does none of the cleaning, none of the supply-gathering, none of the prep work, and none of the clean up. I think it would be absolutely lovely to have my mom and my MIL come over on Mother's Day, but I would be a bit annoyed if my husband expected me to do the hosting. That said, my mom and MIL live thousands of miles away from me and each other, so it's a moot issue for us.

OP here and I'm not really sure hosting is a great idea. I mean, regardless of whether I do the prep work, etc. she would still have to be "on" (i.e. sociable, talkative, etc.) rather than having a more low key relaxing day which I am sure if her preference.

I did mention my mom's request the other day and she thought, as I originally did, that it's open and shut that mothers day is spent with spouse when you have kids. Interesting thread though, apparently its not as open and shut of an issue as I thought it was. Anyways, I'm asking about doing breakfast because I think that's the best balance.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom of young kids and I honestly don't understand why so many DCUM moms get riled up at the idea of everyone not feting them on MD since you still have a mom. If I were you, I'd ask my DW how she would feel about my taking the kids to visit my mother and also suggest that she do a day of pampering for herself as a gift to her.

What about her mom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to choose. Unless you have an all-day event planned, you can split your time between them, or you could plan a different day to see your mom. She's still your mom, so yes, I think it's reasonable for her to want to see you at least some time around Mother's Day because you're in driving distance.

OP here and see my post above about everyone being 1.5 hours away. I mean, I'm sure DW would like to spend time with her mom too so it's basically slicing the day up into thirds unless everyone came up here. I like the idea of planning a different day though to see my mom and maybe just shifting the celebration a bit or like someone else said doing breakfast w/ my mom.

Ask your wife what she wants to do. If you want to host all the moms, you'd better make sure that you are the one doing the hosting. Your wife plans NONE OF IT. She does none of the cleaning, none of the supply-gathering, none of the prep work, and none of the clean up. I think it would be absolutely lovely to have my mom and my MIL come over on Mother's Day, but I would be a bit annoyed if my husband expected me to do the hosting. That said, my mom and MIL live thousands of miles away from me and each other, so it's a moot issue for us.

The correct answer is to talk to your wife and see what she would prefer. If it's important to her that you all be together at home on MD or if she really wants to spend the day with her mom, that's what you do (and schedule something with your mom for Saturday or next weekend). If she likes the idea of a morning to relax on her own, you take the kids to see your mom.