Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may feel less anxious if he wasn't dealing with the money. Can you manage it?

OP here. I'd love to and have offered. But he'd just check it all behind me (even he admits this.)

And I do handle all of the house/kid stuff except for what we outsource (e/o week housecleaners.) He mows the lawn, which I've offered to hire out but he refuses. If I went back full time I'd definitely want him to take some of the household/kid stuff from me, but I don't see that happening. He hasn't offered either.

I don't understand women like you and the other woman with the autoimmune disease who wants to work part time. I can't imagine being married to someone and letting him control me to this degree.

In your case, why don't you write a list and keep your hours of everything - I mean everything - that you do every week and everything he does. Everything that needs to get done with the kids and house and extended family. Include
Minor things like buying birthday present and scheduling holidays and interactions with your extended family and registering for summer camp. Assign a minute time to everything. Then sit down and tell him - which of these are you willing to do every week to add up to fifty percent of the labor? And ask him, is that extra work HE will commit to doing worth your extra income?

All he does is now the friggin lawn?? It sounds like he does not appreciate your labor at all which would piss me off.

Anonymous wrote:^^^^
I forgot to mention that he’s in a commission based position and refuses to get into a field that is more stable. But because he insists on being in sales he insists that we need the stability of my full income. So essentially he gets choices and I don’t since my work solely exists to provide stability since his income isn’t stable. Reducing my income by 20% for me to go part time isn’t an option but if he doesn’t earn as much one year then that’s just the nature of sales. It has led to a lot of resentment, especially since going part time would help me health wise since I have two autoimmune diseases and I work in a physically and mentally exhausting field.

You aren't enslaved. Go part time if you want. Jesus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He might have anxiety. Or there’s some other factor you don’t know about. Maybe he is worried about his health or you living to be 100 after being widowed.

My DH is now older than his father, grandfather, and great-gf ever got. He is also much, much more financially stable than any of them (dad was a pt musician who worked in a factory, grandfather and great-gf were sharecroppers in the Jim Crow Deep South). Nonetheless, he worries that he doesn’t have enough to take care of me and the kids if he dies. It’s sweet, but silly. I have worked since I was 12 years old. I plan to work until 68. Two of the three kids are launched. The third is scary smart and independent; will likely start college at 16 and earn sufficient scholarships.

Has he heard of life insurance?

Don’t be silly. We both have life insurance, but people do go through the big lump payment and annuities can be too tiny to replace a spouse’s earnings entirely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may feel less anxious if he wasn't dealing with the money. Can you manage it?

OP here. I'd love to and have offered. But he'd just check it all behind me (even he admits this.)

And I do handle all of the house/kid stuff except for what we outsource (e/o week housecleaners.) He mows the lawn, which I've offered to hire out but he refuses. If I went back full time I'd definitely want him to take some of the household/kid stuff from me, but I don't see that happening. He hasn't offered either.

For what it’s worth I’m 14:35 and my DH definitely could not / would not take enough off my plate to make me want to go back full time. That’s part of the reason I went part time!

Anonymous wrote:Is this a mortality thing? I'm in my mid 30s and, for the first time, can see my career ceiling. I'm not there yet, but knowing my likely hard limit is a little scary. So much of young adulthood is about exploring possibilities that when you realize you've closed more doors than can open, it's upsetting.

This isn't really actionable advice, I just think we talk too much about what we CAN do and not the inherent limitations of time, aging, and death, and sometimes that makes us fixate on the wrong things.

OP here. Yes, I think this is directly tied to his career path and realizing the sky is NOT the limit, the world is NOT your oyster. That said we have all our needs, most our wants, two healthy kids and each other. At some point we have to find contentment where we are.

Is this a mortality thing? I'm in my mid 30s and, for the first time, can see my career ceiling. I'm not there yet, but knowing my likely hard limit is a little scary. So much of young adulthood is about exploring possibilities that when you realize you've closed more doors than can open, it's upsetting.

This isn't really actionable advice, I just think we talk too much about what we CAN do and not the inherent limitations of time, aging, and death, and sometimes that makes us fixate on the wrong things.

I strongly recommend meeting with a financial planner -figure out what your spending and retirement goals are. What will you need for retirement? How much are you putting away now. You might think that you're in "awesome shape" but will you have what you need to survive for 20 years with no income? Maybe! Maybe not? Better to have a plan.

My husband is exactly like this. It makes me crazy, we live way below our income and it means we deprive our kids of opportunities they should have. ($375k combined salary, never been to Disney or almost any non-family vacation.) DH immigrated here as a teenager himself after political upheaval in his country of origin; his family lost everything and it was a hard road during their early years here. He worries constantly about losing his job and I don't think he'll ever be comfortable with spending lots of money. Not sure it's changeable but I've learned how to work around it when I need to.

My DH is 65 and we have more money then we can possibly spend but he does worry about it. He didn’t grow up with money and I think money worry is just in his DNA. But, it’s not stress just worry.

Honestly it sounds like anxiety that has little to do with the actual dollar amount.

Anonymous wrote:Is there an amount he is trying to reach? Can you help get there and maybe he will relax?

OP here. He hasn't stipulated a specific amount, at least not to me. I think that's my fear, that it will never be "enough" in his mind. If I go back full time, I'd want to use the money to outsource a little more and maybe travel a little more. He just wants to pad the bottom line, which is not worth the additional stress to me. Especially since I'm not convinced that will make him calm down. He was not like this when his income was on an upward trajectory. This is relatively new since he feels like "this is it" job-wise for him.