Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the diagnosis for the back pain?

+1 on this. Does he need to lose weight or strengthen his back? Find the cause and start there. Please don't jump to surgery. Try an interventional pain specialist (not one prescribing pills) as they can do minimally invasive procedures that can help some people avoid surgery if that's the path you're headed down.

He has degenerative disc disease. It’s very advanced. He’s been on pain management for years. He hasn’t done physical therapy or yoga or anything holistic. He’s ruled out surgery for years bc of the poor rates of success. He’s not at all overweight and in decent shape otherwise.

I don’t see how paying bills is a task. Our bills are on autopay. I think it would be great for him to acknowledge his inability to consistently contribute and say “hey how about I hire a cleaner, manage her schedule and remember to have cash on hand to pay her weekly”. Or “how about I research meal delivery options for us?” These are mental load tasks. Would be great if he took those on.

Anonymous wrote:What is the diagnosis for the back pain?

+1 on this. Does he need to lose weight or strengthen his back? Find the cause and start there. Please don't jump to surgery. Try an interventional pain specialist (not one prescribing pills) as they can do minimally invasive procedures that can help some people avoid surgery if that's the path you're headed down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who was your surgeon?

Is this op?
Post on the the Healthforum, or at least search there, bc these topics of chronic pain, RA, back issues, and the like come up all the time.

NP. Why not answer here and help this person out? It’s hard to gauge the quality of a surgeon even with clinical outcome data. I’ve looked at the health forum for other issues, and the quality of the recommendations there varies.

What is the diagnosis for the back pain?

I am a SAHM with chronic pain and autoimmune disease. I am really thankful about how great my husband is because he has always supported me and never once been angry with my situation. He works full time and will do the morning breakfast, pack lunches and drop off the kids to school. He does not wake me in the morning because he wants me to get as much rest as I can. If I am up in the morning then it means I am doing better and then I take care of things.

This was not a health situation I thought I would have to go through with in my life. Being a control freak and then depending on others is very humbling.

OP, I have outsourced a lot of things. My twice a week cleaning lady does more than cleaning. She organizes, declutters, helps in food prep, laundry etc. It is cheaper than therapy.

Somewhere around the afternoon - with all my stretching exercises, pain medication and heat therapy - my pain diminishes and at that time chores and errands are tackled and planning and organization happens. I am an elderly person trapped in the body of a middle aged woman, but I am so thankful for any health that I do have.

Anonymous wrote:Who was your surgeon?

Is this op?
Post on the the Healthforum, or at least search there, bc these topics of chronic pain, RA, back issues, and the like come up all the time.

Who was your surgeon?

As far as back surgery goes, OP, be sure his surgeon has done lots of these procedures! Even if you have to go out of plan, it ultimately pays off to have it done once and right. More surgeries means more scar tissue, and that only adds to the complication rates. Also, if he is obese, he MUST lose weight! Our backs and frames are not designed to carry excess, unless we are strong in the core. I am speaking as a former chronic back pain sufferer who had the best surgeon, Thankful every day.

I know someone who committed suicide from severe back pain. His pain could never be resolved. I would try and be more understanding. Hire help if needed.

My husband has chronic pain and does nothing physical with the kids (no diaper changes, no dressing them, no getting them in and out of car seats, no baths, no meal prep or clean up etc). He has days where it is difficult for him to brush his own teeth or take a shower himself. Basically I do all the kid stuff and all the home stuff. He works, does what he needs to do to maintain himself physically as best he can and takes care of bills and things that are just computer work. It’s really hard and it’s not what either of us had imagined family life would be like, but it’s our reality and we do the best that we can.

Hopefully it will get easier as the kids get older and their needs are less hands on. He can spend a few hours at a time with our 5 year old at this point, but he can’t be alone with our toddler for more than about a half hour at a time and even that is difficult.

My suggestion would be to simplify as much as possible, try to accept that you may not have the home life that you had expected, and reassess how he is capable of contributing as your child gets older. Maybe consider some counseling for yourself, it is a very difficult position to be put in and hard not to feel resentment at times. It might be helpful to have a place to be able to express and work thought some of those feelings outside of your relationship.

Figure out what you can do without resentment. Do that. Get help for the rest.

Help can mean:
weekly housekeeper
convenience meals so you don't have to cook so much.
take out taxi if you can afford it.
Instacart for shopping.

Also, if you are taking your son to a drop-off class, just drop him off and take a walk or get a coffee during the class.

As the spouse with a chronic health issue, (who has also supported a spouse with a chronic health issue) nothing makes me more mad than when my spouse resents me when I'm doing my best. It's the worst. I didn't do that when my spouse wasn't pulling her weight. I just didn't. If this thing isn't reciprocal, that's a problem for me.

It will get better as your kid gets older and can do more for themselves. Reduce expectations and activities.

I have chronic nerve pain so there’s a lot I can’t do with the kids. If you can, a part time sitter would be wonderful.

With back issues getting a chid in and out of the shower is tuff. Maybe you do shower and he do read books where he is not moving and lifting. Rearrange who does what takes so he can do it while he's resting his back - pay bills, etc.

Anonymous wrote:DH would never play board games with DS. Their bonding time is to sit on the porch and watch their iPads. I much prefer to take him to the playground and meet up with friends. He gets to practice riding his scooter and his bike. He participated in a class he enjoys.

That is great but then you have to recognize that it’s something you are doing for you, because you prefer it. It’s not part of your “share”, it’s a choice you are making.

Is your DH working full time and contributing to household income? Frankly, with chronic pain working full time and doing what you describe is a huge amount. There are many people with similar medical issues who are able to do far less.