Your "friends" seem a bit clueless. They never see the grandparents at sporting events and activities, yet ask why they are not helping? If the grands don't want to help, why protect them?

Your in laws don’t owe you anything. My SIL thinks because I’m a nanny, I’m her free anytime babysitter. I don’t even live in state and when I go home she expects date nights and help. So I’m paying $500 to fly home AND work for free.. okay.. I don’t even stay with them and this time I’m going home and not even telling them because I’m tired of being used. My mom supports this 100% and only helps so she can see the grandkids. My SIL is obnoxious and while I’m there will go upstairs and nap for 6 hours while my brother lays around and does nothing. You chose to have kids, watch them yourself or pay someone else to do it. Family isn’t free daycare.

So your MIL is a dud grandma because she doesn't do what you want.

Just say they are busy and drop it.

Then you hire a babysitter if you need it.

Don't discuss this with other people who are likely to make comments. Don't bring it up, and ignore when someone else brings it up. You don't need anybody's permission to change the subject, just don't engage.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Just say they’re not that helpful! What’s the big deal. Are you uncomfortable with being honest?

Anonymous wrote:You say the can’t help and you act like an adult and hire a babysitter. I have never had anyone watch my kids for free. If I go away for a weekend, it costs me $1000 for a sitter.

I'll do it for $800. Highly qualified.

You seem to be hung up on your friends' comments and assumptions about your ILs being available to help. That's weird.

Anonymous wrote:My retired local wealthy inlaws are not interested in keeping our kids. They’ll “do us a favor” from time to time for a few hours or a single night but only 3-4 times a year and definitely no more than 1 night.

Yes I know they don’t “owe” me anything.

How do I explain this to friends and family who just assume my inlaws are such a big help to me? I get lots of comments like “can’t your inlaws help you out?”

Why do you need to explain anything to anyone?

My god you’re so full of it. You just want to complain about your in laws but came up with truly, the most pathetic pretense. Maybe they won’t watch your kids because you’re so petty and clueless that they’re trying to limit their interactions with you.

I honestly don’t understand your issue. Just say your kids grandparents are simply not into babysitting. They already raised their own children - these children are yours to raise.

Accept them for who they are. If they love their grandchildren, that’s enough.

Just say “my in laws don’t like to babysit” or nothing? I don’t understand your problem. What is the conversation where this would be an issue anyway? Who cares?

I don’t understand either - I know tons of people whose parents and in laws help zero - just tell people the in laws don’t like babysitting. Now go hire a babysitter - you need help and you may need to pay for it

Anonymous wrote:How do I explain this to friends and family who just assume my inlaws are such a big help to me? I get lots of comments like “can’t your inlaws help you out?”

"They're busy people!" <smile!>

We would love to see our grandkids weekends, summers, whatever. Unfortunately the DIlLs, plural, consider us uncouth and forbid any visits. How can we be uncouth yet our sons are great husbands and fathers ? We have to wait until they turn 18 to see them I guess. I have no idea why the women hate us.

We still send gifts and money. The kids may not know where it comes from.

You say the can’t help and you act like an adult and hire a babysitter. I have never had anyone watch my kids for free. If I go away for a weekend, it costs me $1000 for a sitter.