Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both WOH, with one 3yo DD who is in daycare. DH takes care of all yard work (SFH with small yard). For anything else in the house or with regard to taking care of DD, he will do anything I ask him to do, but he rarely takes the initiative and does something without prompting. I got to the point where I always felt like I was nagging him to do stuff, so I just do it all myself now. I handle schedules, purchases, all things that need to be "remembered" for both his family and mine.
I handle 90% of daycare pickup/dropoff. He does a great job of engaging with DD in the early evenings to spend time with her. Weekends are hit or miss. Sometimes he's fully engaged with her; other times, not so much.

This is us, only with a 2.5YO and 4YO who are at an in-home daycare and PT school. I am the default parent and do probably 90% of the kid and home stuff. This is pretty much my choice but I'm actively trying to get better by voicing to him exactly what I need. My DH is a wonderful man but he just doesn't "get it" - he honestly won't notice we're running low on diapers or paper towels, or notice there are dishes in the sink or the trash is overflowing. He will do anything I specifically ask him to, but I need to make it a point to ask. Even then sometimes it's hit or miss if he does it within a reasonable time! He does interact with the kids a lot, and even that is getting better now that they're getting older. We really struggled when they were little.

I do all communicating with the daycare/teachers, all shopping, all doctor appts, all childcare arrangements (babysitters, back-up for daycare closings), 90% of cleaning/laundry, planning kid stuff - planning parties, weekend activities, play dates, buying bday gifts, all holiday things (Easter/Christmas/Halloween wouldn't happen without me). DH has never taken both kids anywhere by himself.

DH does handle all finances, 90% of car stuff, lawn care, home repairs, and likely some other things I'm forgetting.

DH simply doesn't do a lot because he assumes I will do it, as I always have. I grew up in a very gender-specific household - both my parents worked but my mom cooked/cleaned/did all the "housewife" stuff while my dad did all of the outside stuff (we lived on a farm). I envision being this perfect wife/mother like my mom was and I just can not do it - but she also only had 1 child and my parents didn't have 3 hour commutes every day or take me to a ton of structured activities or sports. I need to ask him more for help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both WOH, with one 3yo DD who is in daycare. DH takes care of all yard work (SFH with small yard). For anything else in the house or with regard to taking care of DD, he will do anything I ask him to do, but he rarely takes the initiative and does something without prompting. I got to the point where I always felt like I was nagging him to do stuff, so I just do it all myself now. I handle schedules, purchases, all things that need to be "remembered" for both his family and mine.
I handle 90% of daycare pickup/dropoff. He does a great job of engaging with DD in the early evenings to spend time with her. Weekends are hit or miss. Sometimes he's fully engaged with her; other times, not so much.

This is us, only with a 2.5YO and 4YO who are at an in-home daycare and PT school. I am the default parent and do probably 90% of the kid and home stuff. This is pretty much my choice but I'm actively trying to get better by voicing to him exactly what I need. My DH is a wonderful man but he just doesn't "get it" - he honestly won't notice we're running low on diapers or paper towels, or notice there are dishes in the sink or the trash is overflowing. He will do anything I specifically ask him to, but I need to make it a point to ask. Even then sometimes it's hit or miss if he does it within a reasonable time! He does interact with the kids a lot, and even that is getting better now that they're getting older. We really struggled when they were little.

I do all communicating with the daycare/teachers, all shopping, all doctor appts, all childcare arrangements (babysitters, back-up for daycare closings), 90% of cleaning/laundry, planning kid stuff - planning parties, weekend activities, play dates, buying bday gifts, all holiday things (Easter/Christmas/Halloween wouldn't happen without me). DH has never taken both kids anywhere by himself.

DH does handle all finances, 90% of car stuff, lawn care, home repairs, and likely some other things I'm forgetting.

DH simply doesn't do a lot because he assumes I will do it, as I always have. I grew up in a very gender-specific household - both my parents worked but my mom cooked/cleaned/did all the "housewife" stuff while my dad did all of the outside stuff (we lived on a farm). I envision being this perfect wife/mother like my mom was and I just can not do it - but she also only had 1 child and my parents didn't have 3 hour commutes every day or take me to a ton of structured activities or sports. I need to ask him more for help.

I'm the PP you quoted, and I think the bolded statement is the issue DH and I have. I did not grow up in a gender-specific household, but my DH did, even though we both come from families with 2 full-time WOH parents in very blue-collar regions. To this day, FIL quite literally will not lift a finger to do a thing around the house to help out my MIL, despite her many health issues...or if he does, he makes sure everyone is aware of it. DH never really had a model of how 2 parents can both participate in life around the house, so I don't think it dawns on him just how many tasks there are, beyond cleaning up and doing laundry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both WOH, with one 3yo DD who is in daycare. DH takes care of all yard work (SFH with small yard). For anything else in the house or with regard to taking care of DD, he will do anything I ask him to do, but he rarely takes the initiative and does something without prompting. I got to the point where I always felt like I was nagging him to do stuff, so I just do it all myself now. I handle schedules, purchases, all things that need to be "remembered" for both his family and mine.
I handle 90% of daycare pickup/dropoff. He does a great job of engaging with DD in the early evenings to spend time with her. Weekends are hit or miss. Sometimes he's fully engaged with her; other times, not so much.

This is us, only with a 2.5YO and 4YO who are at an in-home daycare and PT school. I am the default parent and do probably 90% of the kid and home stuff. This is pretty much my choice but I'm actively trying to get better by voicing to him exactly what I need. My DH is a wonderful man but he just doesn't "get it" - he honestly won't notice we're running low on diapers or paper towels, or notice there are dishes in the sink or the trash is overflowing. He will do anything I specifically ask him to, but I need to make it a point to ask. Even then sometimes it's hit or miss if he does it within a reasonable time! He does interact with the kids a lot, and even that is getting better now that they're getting older. We really struggled when they were little.

I do all communicating with the daycare/teachers, all shopping, all doctor appts, all childcare arrangements (babysitters, back-up for daycare closings), 90% of cleaning/laundry, planning kid stuff - planning parties, weekend activities, play dates, buying bday gifts, all holiday things (Easter/Christmas/Halloween wouldn't happen without me). DH has never taken both kids anywhere by himself.

DH does handle all finances, 90% of car stuff, lawn care, home repairs, and likely some other things I'm forgetting.

DH simply doesn't do a lot because he assumes I will do it, as I always have. I grew up in a very gender-specific household - both my parents worked but my mom cooked/cleaned/did all the "housewife" stuff while my dad did all of the outside stuff (we lived on a farm). I envision being this perfect wife/mother like my mom was and I just can not do it - but she also only had 1 child and my parents didn't have 3 hour commutes every day or take me to a ton of structured activities or sports. I need to ask him more for help.

Anonymous wrote:I do: scheduling doctor/dentist appointments, planning birthday parties, buying gifts, buying clothes, planning summer camps, scheduling activities, laundry, managing day-to-day finances

My husband does: primary dog care, trash/recycling, big-picture/long-term finances, outside maintenance, all things structural/electrical, bug killing

We both do: attending doctor/dentist appointments, attending parties/recitals/performances/competitions, bathing/feeding kids, cooking/cleaning the kitchen

We have a full-time nanny who runs errands, including grocery shopping, while the kids are in school, helps with food prep, does the kids' laundry, and does the majority of dropping off/picking up. We also have a maid who cleans.

We both work full-time jobs, and it's a toss up as to whose job is more demanding at any particular point in time. We both make approximately the same. He travels more than I do and will often be on base or at a secure location with no phone, so because of this it's easier for me to do things that require being on the computer, including emails. I also like that stuff - I enjoy planning birthday parties and working on the summer calendar and searching for clothes, and he doesn't. So we try to split our separate duties along the lines of who does what better or who enjoys something better. The other stuff just gets divvied up. He could probably name as many kids in our kids' classes as I could, although I know the parents' names more from being a room mom. He's been to every back to school night, every parent/teacher conference, etc., so he knows a lot about their school. We've probably been to equal doctor's appointments, either together or separately. I love our dogs but he deals with them more. We each generally handle our own cars because it's just easier that way. I do think our roles are somewhat gender-typical, but that's not because we do the stuff we *think* we should, we just do the stuff we like or don't mind. I'm also super anal retentive about laundry and how things are folded, so I handle that. I do take the kids for more weekends away than he does but he does do it as well. He also takes care of them on his own if I'm gone for work or pleasure. As far as the kids are concerned, I think we're basically interchangeable, in that there's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. There are things one of us likes to do more than the other, but we can both do everything, which I appreciate.

Anonymous wrote:We both WOH, with one 3yo DD who is in daycare. DH takes care of all yard work (SFH with small yard). For anything else in the house or with regard to taking care of DD, he will do anything I ask him to do, but he rarely takes the initiative and does something without prompting. I got to the point where I always felt like I was nagging him to do stuff, so I just do it all myself now. I handle schedules, purchases, all things that need to be "remembered" for both his family and mine.
I handle 90% of daycare pickup/dropoff. He does a great job of engaging with DD in the early evenings to spend time with her. Weekends are hit or miss. Sometimes he's fully engaged with her; other times, not so much.

Anonymous wrote:Does your partner do anything other than work and care for/play with the kids? Like, does s/he take the lead on communicating with teachers, signing kids up for activities, schedule dr appointments, keep the schedule for anything, purchase birthday or other gifts, plan playdates, anything like this?

My husband works hard and doesn't get much downtime during the day so I don't expect him to do much of this and I think he does appreciate it and realize all I do, but I wonder if in other families the mom (or one partner) is doing all of these things or if in other families these duties are split.