Tough situation, OP.

My ex and I split up when I was pregnant. It was hard (and still is hard) having two households, but I do think it was best for her that she never had an "unbroken" home to compare to her current situation. Her reality is that she's always lived in two households. It's all she knows. I feel like there's something to be said for that.

Financially it can be a pain. It stresses me out sometimes that we have less money because we have to have two households. Logistically it can be difficult, making sure she has everything she needs at the right house on any given day. But we make it work.

Good luck.

Was he consuming drugs before your LO was born or is it recent? Do you have a support network (relatives/parents) to go to? I would give him an ultimatum to get clean and move out/stay with family. Having little kids is hard, adding substance abuse to it, makes it harder. I have two under two and it is not easy....I can't even imagine what your world looks like right now....hugs!

I did, because ex was abusive and I was suicidal and deeply depressed. I feared I would kill myself, so I left - baby was five months. If I’d had more of a support system (and money) it would have been a LOT easier, so be sure to rally as much support as you can going into it, if possible.

I separated when my twins were about 22 months. It helped that I was the breadwinner because that made the finances easier. I personally found a lot of aspects of parenting easier w/out their Dad around. I didn't have do any negotiation on what was best -- it was my way at my house; his way at his house. Kids are older elementary now and are doing well. They have said to me that they are glad we separated before they could remember us being together (this was part of a conversation about a friend whose parents are getting divorced now.)

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Both drugs and depression present an issue for maintaining his bar license (not in and of themselves, but if he mishandles cases or money or gets caught w/ illegal drugs) and therefore keeping his ability to earn a livelihood. The DC Bar recognizes that many lawyers in the profession are struggling with the same issues as your DH and offers free, confidential help through the lawyer assistance program. https://www.dcbar.org/bar-resources/lawyer-assistance-program/

It can be a lot for a BigLaw partner to admit stresses and get help -- the stigma of MI is strong and many still conceptualize those with MI as "crazy", "unreliable", "weak", etc. Maybe knowing that other BigLaw partners and professionally successful peers are struggling with the same issues.

Are you a lawyer also? You may be able to access these resources to find support as a partner of someone who is struggling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

You sound really selfish to only allow supervised visits at your home until age two.

I love how you assume that was her requirement and not what they agreed or what he wanted. I have a friend who divorced when her daughter was a baby. Her husband didn't want to have the baby on his own until she was potty trained!

+1. My DH also never (in his whole life) wanted our kids overnight -- too much work and cramped his dating style. I know his family and his new wife probably think I am the bad guy "keeping the kids away" from him, but nothing could be further from the truth as I bend over backwards to my own detriment to facilitate their relationship.

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

What kind of drugs OP. There is a difference between smoking a joint before bed and mainlining cocaine.

Maybe he needs to look at different jobs. The stress of his job, the work hours, the pressures - all make it difficult to properly treat depression because slowing down often exacerbates the self depreciating thoughts and the guilt.

How financially equitable are the two of you? Could you support the family if he was to take time off to get better and find a less pressured job?

OP, I have been in your shoes and am now on the way to divorce after my spouse's multiple rehabs and an inability to stay sober. You need to start building a support system. Some Al Anon meetings have childcare, but if not, you can bring your baby to a meeting. You will meet people there who have been in your shoes and can help you. Also, start individual therapy. Babette Wise at Georgetown specializes in this issue and takes insurance. Please don't keep the secret to yourself, it is too much to handle on your own and the shame will keep you stuck. If there are any trustworthy people in your life, reach out to them and let them know what's going on. Finally, you need to get a lawyer and figure out what you need to document in order to ensure your child's safety and keep sole custody until your husband is able to demonstrate consistent sobriety. You will get through this.

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Probably happens more often than you think. And being UMC has nothing to do with frequency - happens across all socio-economic levels.

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

that’s so tough. Is there any chance to ask for help to your inlaws? If they know he is a drug user they may step in and help convincing him to get help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

You sound really selfish to only allow supervised visits at your home until age two.

I love how you assume that was her requirement and not what they agreed or what he wanted. I have a friend who divorced when her daughter was a baby. Her husband didn't want to have the baby on his own until she was potty trained!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at a year. Baby stayed with me and ex-husband moved to a studio nearby and saw our child every day. They started doing overnights when the child was two.

You sound really selfish to only allow supervised visits at your home until age two.

NP. I don’t see where she says the visits were all supervised...? I’m married, but I never spent a night away from my daughter bf age 2 either. It sounds like they were doing what was appropriate for their baby.

Anonymous wrote:OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Crap - that's bad - are you in individual therapy? If not, you need it STAT - probably no time for al-anon, but would be good for you too. I'd also go straight to my parents house with the baby if you have that support system in place. Your priority has to be safety of the baby -

OP- he is refusing to get treatment for his depression and using drugs to cope, including allowing drugs around our infant. I don't really know how else to get through to him. FWIW we are UMC, he is a big law partner. I don't think anyone would suspect so it's hard carrying this secret.

Anonymous wrote: I did not, but I certainly wanted to divorce at that time. The first three years of having a child is the roughest time of the marriage. If you can get to those three years you can get through a lot.

+1000