You are wrong, OP.

I am a foreigner and have lived in many countries on different continents. People DO use nursing homes for their aging parents, because they're working and can't take care of them, just like here!

My grandmother is in a nursing home in Japan. It's very basic because we don't have enough money to afford a better one, however it's clean and bright, the staff is respectful, and it is paired with a Kindergarten. The little children visit the home often to bring smiles to the elderly, especially those with no family visitors.

My other grandmother in Europe lived in a small apartment with a barely satisfactory nurse and housecleaner who checked in and made meals/cleaned, respectively, until she was found on the floor and ended her last illness in a hospital.

My frail MIL is living the best of both worlds in Europe, at her home, with a bevy of rotating staff as well as doting children who come daily. That takes not only money but advance planning.

There are many permutations of care, but to get the best one, you must plan ahead and expect to pay quite a lot.

We put my grandmother in a nursing home. She was quite disabled and required around the clock care. She hated it and it made her very depressed. She also ended up with many bruises and cuts - more from rushed, rough, sloppy care.

I feel incredible guilt and the experience overall was pretty traumatizing for everyone. I hate what we did to her and how she spent her final years and death in that place.

Anonymous wrote:I do find nursing homes horrific and how Americans put their elderly in institutions. I come from Eastern Europe, we lived with grandmother who was 94. Up to 94 she was able to take care of herself. My other grandma lived for years bedbound in her house and her daughter in law took care of her with adult grandkids. Grandkids inherit the house so don't have to pay mortgage. I would love to have my only child live with me when she is an adult, she would inherit the house and in exchange could take care of us when we get older ( she could hire an assistant to help out or something like that). Living with extended family is actually not bad and economically so much cheaper.

The question is does your only child want to have this arrangement? If she does, that’s great. But i think that you’re greatly underestimating the cost of high quality, trustworthy, in-house care in America in relation to the cost of housing. Unless you’re going to give her a multimillion dollar home, probably much cheaper and easier for her to pay for her own housing arrangements and let you figure out your own nursing arrangements.

I do find nursing homes horrific and how Americans put their elderly in institutions. I come from Eastern Europe, we lived with grandmother who was 94. Up to 94 she was able to take care of herself. My other grandma lived for years bedbound in her house and her daughter in law took care of her with adult grandkids. Grandkids inherit the house so don't have to pay mortgage. I would love to have my only child live with me when she is an adult, she would inherit the house and in exchange could take care of us when we get older ( she could hire an assistant to help out or something like that). Living with extended family is actually not bad and economically so much cheaper.

This all sounds wonderful until the caregiver cannot move the elderly person to the bath, etc. Maybe the younger adult grandkids can help, but they often have jobs outside of the home here in America. They may have their own kids to care for. Not everyone has the same choices they might have in Eastern Europe. Just a thought. These are not easy decisions. What do people in Eastern Europe do if there is no one to care for an elderly person?

I do find nursing homes horrific and how Americans put their elderly in institutions. I come from Eastern Europe, we lived with grandmother who was 94. Up to 94 she was able to take care of herself. My other grandma lived for years bedbound in her house and her daughter in law took care of her with adult grandkids. Grandkids inherit the house so don't have to pay mortgage. I would love to have my only child live with me when she is an adult, she would inherit the house and in exchange could take care of us when we get older ( she could hire an assistant to help out or something like that). Living with extended family is actually not bad and economically so much cheaper.

Anonymous wrote:And are so sad that everyone is saving up for them? I get that in extreme medical cases it is required, but it seems so sad people are shoveled off to nursing homes with family so far away. I’m a first generation American, but I find this aspect of American culture different. Kids in other parts of the world do have their parents living with them at the end. They even die at home with their families around. I understand this may be too much for some people to handle given workloads and no one being home, but is this the only option?

Plenty of Americans die at home with their family around them.

Two words: Vinson Hall. If you are a military family, you have it made. The condos are relatively cheap (if you are old, but do not require much care), and the care in the care facility part is outstanding. It is a damn shame that such a small segment of the population is allowed this level of care.

My friend's MIL is there, and it is night and day compared to regular, very day type care facilities that you and I can afford. There are tons of different military retirement facilities, this is just one example.

My Mom comes from a culture where extended family live together. She doesn't want to live with me. We love each other, but are oil/water. Her last days would be of us fighting all the time.

We just got on the waitlist for a Continuing Care Community. They can live there while still Independent and move up levels of care as needed. The place was like a college campus. It was awesome.

Yes. I think there are more and better options than in years gone by. They are not cheap. My hope is that I will not have to spend time in a nursing home. My parents both died while in assisted living (run by a religious group as a non-profit). They went quickly and did not need a high level of care for very much time (never went into nursing home). My dad was in assisted living for less than a month and my mother was there for only 8 months. The assisted living was connected to the independent living (a wing of the building) so my mother was wheeled into my dad's independent living apartment for part of every day during her 8 months in assisted living. That was great for both of them. It was as good as it gets really.

I’m curious, in other areas of the country are the elderly so disabled at the end of life? Moms are 96 and 82and completely incapable of caring for themselves. Of their kids (5 on one side, 3 on the other) only 2 are yet retired. Moms both need someone with them constantly who can lift them, bathe them and monitor them. Their kids are 60 or so and can’t even do that sort of heavy lifting. The elder mom has dementia and takes numerous pills daily. She tried to burn down the house by leaving burners on and running toasters with paper in them.

I’m curious how 60 year olds care for their parents at the end stage? How do they work? Do they ever get to see their own grandchildren? How are they able to also help their daughters out when grandkids are born?

This is my dream. My DD marries her BF after graduate school and they move in with me. I move to the bedroom on the first floor and they get the bedrooms on the second floor. When I need nursing care, I will pay for at home. Have sufficient savings (plus long-term health care insurance for good measure) to pay for a nurse around the clock if needed. DD inherits the fully paid house.

My grandmother is living her final days with my mom. She has dementia and is not mobile. My mom is still working but from home so she has a caregiver come during the day and then she cares for my grandmother in the evenings. My mom happens to be a nurse, which is very helpful. Still, she is tired and we try to help when we can.

Hiring caregivers is expensive. Luckily my grandmother had the funds for this. She is happy. My mom told me she herself doesn't want to end up in a nursing home so I told her she should start saving her $.

My Mom comes from a culture where extended family live together. She doesn't want to live with me. We love each other, but are oil/water. Her last days would be of us fighting all the time.

We just got on the waitlist for a Continuing Care Community. They can live there while still Independent and move up levels of care as needed. The place was like a college campus. It was awesome.

Three of my great grandparents ended their days in the best, priciest nursing homes money can buy, and only after we were no longer able to care for them in family members' homes. One died of Parkinsons, and his last years were agony. He lay in bed and could not move or speak for two years. Another had a stroke, and spent several years in an immobile state: humiliating and agonizing for a previously active, private person.

It was horrific, and it broke each of their hearts to have to leave their homes. And those places WERE horrific.

My beloved grandma had to go into assisted living (again, the very best money can buy), and I will never forget her sorrow the day we helped her pack up to move. It was terrible. It broke something in her.

Those places are horrific for anyone who is a private person who values a home that is a refuge from the world. They are maybe OK for somebody who did not love and cherish a beautiful house for many years, and who does not mind being surrounded by others all of the time, and has a close family member who can visit every single day.

I know I will be miserable in one of those places myself, and I don't want to waste the money it would take to maintain me there when that money could go to my family. I hope euthanasia is an option when my time comes. If it isn't, I'll make a plan to go to Dignitas while I'm still healthy enough to get there myself. That doesn't seem so bad to me, especially when I remember the horrible final years of my great grandparents and grandparents who ended up in nursing homes and assisted living.

No, but for the first 15 years of my life, my great-grandma lived in one. No matter when we went to visit, the place was clean, she was clean and happy, she would show us art she made, introduce us to her friends who lived there, take us on a tour, etc. Her room was bright and sunny, the people who worked there were kind and remembered us, etc.

She was insistent that she did not want to be a burden on family so didn't want to live with her kids or grandkids when she couldn't live by herself anymore. Maybe if she'd lived in a shithole, I'd have a different view of nursing homes.

I think you aren't really experienced with the different levels of this here in the US, since you haven't had experience with it first hand.

There is independent living (for senior citizens), assisted living and nursing care. These are three different things. Nursing facilities can be tough, but they are also a safe place with medical care, and rehab facilities and practitioners on site.

One of my parents had to be in a nursing care facility a couple of times. The last time he was able to get strong enough because of the on site PT to go to assisted living. In assisted living, he also had on site PT and he was able to get better and now he is in an independent living facility.

He would not have gotten well or to this level if he had lived with someone - for one thing, there was not someone who could provide round the clock nursing care at home and there was no one who could drive him to PT, hydrotherapy, all the other things as often as he needed.

I have a close friend who has a mother with dementia. She cannot live on her own anymore unless someone could be with her 24-7. She was running out of her house and trying to go in to neighbor's houses.