OP, my mom is an alcoholic, too. She never has and likely never will be alone with my children. We also don't see her much. She doesn't remember most of the things she's done that have damaged our relationship but I do. She obviously thinks I'm overreacting and acts sad about not spending much time with us, but I just ignore her when she says stuff like that. It's not the relationship I would have wished to have with a mom but it is what it is. Your kids come first. Do what you need to do to feel safe and comfortable. And know you're not alone.

I totally understand this OP - we have similar challenges w/ a grandparent and also w/ an aunt.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

I have been in therapy for a year and it has been extraordinarily helpful - I am much less angry, guilt-stricken, and self-doubting than I used to be (about very similar issues around substance abusing members of my family).

Al-anon meetings can be great for some, and you can find some of those resources online also and pick and choose which resonate with you. ( I'm about to go check out the pp's recommendation of the 20 minute guide - thanks for that!)

Hang in there. You are doing your job as a mom, and it also is probably good for you too given what you grew up with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. You are crazy, OP.

Paragraph 1. My mom has an alcohol problem and gets mean when she drinks.

Paragraph 2. I have made arrangements to leave my kid alone with her while I go off with DH.

I stopped reading. You don’t leave your kid alwith me with an alcoholic. You just don’t.

I’m sorry your mom has it rough, OP. Take care of your kid.

OP- yep, I've been thinking maybe things will be different now that she's a grandma. They aren't- it's unfortunate. I see that I need to stop caring and do right by DS. My mother requested to watch him a couple nights, and fortunately she showed her true colors (again) before we left him in her care. Sucks but overall is good to see going forward. Cheers to her, that she can't even keep it together for a long weekend with her grandson staying with her.

It does suck. Although I appreciate how hard it is to make these choices. My situation is completely different, but family issues abound. It was hard to make and enforce the decision that my kid couldn’t stay overnight at my dad’s without us and I often felt crazy since the other 8grandkids stayed over all the time and I’m on good terms with my sibling-types. But I stood firm.

You won’t be able to fix your moms drinking.

Anonymous wrote:The consequence of her alcohol abuse is that she doesn’t get to watch or be alone with DS. She can run wherever she wants with that, but you’re responsibilities are with your kid. She will either get help and repair your relationship or she will be out of your lives. It’s her choice.

This is the correct answer.

Anonymous wrote:

OP- yep, I've been thinking maybe things will be different now that she's a grandma. They aren't- it's unfortunate. I see that I need to stop caring and do right by DS. My mother requested to watch him a couple nights, and fortunately she showed her true colors (again) before we left him in her care. Sucks but overall is good to see going forward. Cheers to her, that she can't even keep it together for a long weekend with her grandson staying with her.

I know you are really angry with her right now OP. Probably really hurt too because her refusing to quit is a rejection of you and your son. But eventually you will reach a point where you are not even angry anymore. You will just became healthfully detached, maybe even have some gentle pity for her. That is the true freedom, when you reach a point where this no longer dominates your thoughts or is part of your everyday life.

I never went to Al-Anon. Not my thing. But a therapist familiar with treating adult children of alcoholics was very helpful for reaching this next level.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. You are crazy, OP.

Paragraph 1. My mom has an alcohol problem and gets mean when she drinks.

Paragraph 2. I have made arrangements to leave my kid alone with her while I go off with DH.

I stopped reading. You don’t leave your kid alwith me with an alcoholic. You just don’t.

I’m sorry your mom has it rough, OP. Take care of your kid.

OP- yep, I've been thinking maybe things will be different now that she's a grandma. They aren't- it's unfortunate. I see that I need to stop caring and do right by DS. My mother requested to watch him a couple nights, and fortunately she showed her true colors (again) before we left him in her care. Sucks but overall is good to see going forward. Cheers to her, that she can't even keep it together for a long weekend with her grandson staying with her.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, that sounds stressful. I agree that she shouldn’t watch your son. But I would hesitate to cut contact altogether. Just limit it.

+1

I’m sorry. You are crazy, OP.

Paragraph 1. My mom has an alcohol problem and gets mean when she drinks.

Paragraph 2. I have made arrangements to leave my kid alone with her while I go off with DH.

I stopped reading. You don’t leave your kid alwith me with an alcoholic. You just don’t.

I’m sorry your mom has it rough, OP. Take care of your kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For 15 years she has been a drinker and yet you were ok with having her watch your child for a couple nights? Are you nuts too?

I don't live nearby and thought the situation was improving, but should have known better

I'm in this exact situation and the biggest thing I've learned is that it doesn't "improve." The only way it gets better is if the alcoholic stops drinking entirely. This was hard for me to accept because I don't think my mother will ever choose to get sober or go to treatment, so it means accepting she will never be the mother or grandmother she should be. That hurts. But accepting this has also let me focus on my own life and family.

We visit once a year and my mother is never allowed to watch my child alone or drive us anywhere.

OP here- yep, over the years it's always been "I'll be more careful" or "your mother will be having 1 of 2 drinks max from now on", etc. My sisters and I have always eaten it up. I'm just done- I feel like I'm enabling her by allowing her to tell me how things will be different going forward- they never are. I'm just done with all of it- my priority is my son now. My mother will need to figure her shit out if she wants to be a part of our lives, and I don't think this will be an overnight change or anything that happens anytime soon.

She’s an alcoholic, with a brain chemistry that has been modified to only be soothed with alcohol.
She only has a small chance of recovery, and none at all if she’s in denial.

You have to put extreme pressure on her as well as the people who live with her and enable her, to stop this spiral. Ideally, her husband should enforce no alcohol in the house, and should drag her to the doctor. AA is rubbish and does not work, they should choose something else. She does not visit you at all unless she can prove she has taken steps to improve her mental disease - because addiction is a mental disease.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing OP.

I know a woman in her 60s who has a similar drinking problem (a lot of wine every night) and I think the only thing that would make her stop is being cut off from her grandchildren who she adores, or even just allowed supervised visits.

But I also know from having alcoholism in my family that even that might not do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For 15 years she has been a drinker and yet you were ok with having her watch your child for a couple nights? Are you nuts too?

I don't live nearby and thought the situation was improving, but should have known better

I'm in this exact situation and the biggest thing I've learned is that it doesn't "improve." The only way it gets better is if the alcoholic stops drinking entirely. This was hard for me to accept because I don't think my mother will ever choose to get sober or go to treatment, so it means accepting she will never be the mother or grandmother she should be. That hurts. But accepting this has also let me focus on my own life and family.

We visit once a year and my mother is never allowed to watch my child alone or drive us anywhere.

OP-
regarding your daughter, this is obviously not about offending your mother but about taking care of your daughter and is not negotiable.

Regarding wanting to be supportive but also wanting to cut off contact, personally I did Al Anon for awhile (years ago) and it made me nuts. You may find otherwise. But https://the20minuteguide.com/ is something you may find useful (they have options for parent and for partner, not adult daughter, but basic principles apply regardless). I like things to be pragmatic and concrete, and the kind of approach this describes worked way better for me than the Al Anon meetings or literature did.