Like bigots never think they are bigots, bad mothers never think they are bad mothers.

Anonymous wrote:It's all so subjective, though, based on your beliefs.

I have a crunchy granola cousin who thinks I'm a terrible mom because I don't buy 100% organic and I vaccinated all my kids. I think she's a bad mom because she didn't vaccinate her kids.

My SIL thinks very little of working moms, so as a working mom I know I'm not high on her approval list, lol. We agree to disagree and leave it at that, but it's always in the back of my mind.

I know I'm a good mom, so that's what matters to me.

This!

Letting fear of other people's judgement is not a good guiding principle. Doing pretty much anything out of fear is not a good idea. But particularly when it involves other people's judgement. I know someone out there thinks I'm a horrible mother because my toddler gets screen time. But I think parents that don't allow any screen time are horrible. Because we have different value systems.

OP--how do you navigate other people's values and priorities vs your own? Especially since two different people can have two vastly different set of values on either end of the spectrum. So even if you tried to behave in a way that would make you a "good mother" in one person's eyes, you would be considered a "bad mother" in another's.

This reminds me of being called a slut in HS by a boy I refused to dance with at a mixer. I was a virgin. I guess I was supposed to be devastated, but it just made him even less appealing to me.

It would only hurt me if it came from someone who I think is a good parent or caregiver. I'm certain there are people who think I'm a bad mom because I work or I let my kid watch TV sometimes - that doesn't bother me at all!

I generally feel pretty sure of myself as a mother. I adore my kids, give them lots of time and love, etc. But when something unexpected hits, parenting-wise, it can be really hard to know in the moment whether you're doing the right thing. Example: my young child was recently diagnosed with a pretty severe anxiety disorder. When one of his attacks is happening, sometimes I'm not sure whether what I do to make him feel better in the moment might be actually setting him back in the longer-term work he's doing in therapy. Those moments are when I would be very vulnerable to someone saying that I'm a bad parent, even though I know intellectually that I'm not.

Anonymous wrote:It would only hurt if I suspected it to be true. I don't think I'm an amazing mother or anything like that, I'm far from perfect... but I am dedicated to them, they get every moment of my free time, and they are happy and secure and cared for. Maybe others have higher standards for themselves and their parenting abilities, but those are mine.

This

It's all so subjective, though, based on your beliefs.

I have a crunchy granola cousin who thinks I'm a terrible mom because I don't buy 100% organic and I vaccinated all my kids. I think she's a bad mom because she didn't vaccinate her kids.

My SIL thinks very little of working moms, so as a working mom I know I'm not high on her approval list, lol. We agree to disagree and leave it at that, but it's always in the back of my mind.

I know I'm a good mom, so that's what matters to me.

Anonymous wrote:
You do realize that you have ALREADY been thought of as a bad mother by someone?

And as a parent of a child with special needs, please bear this in mind - any time your child has issues, temporary or chronic, the mother seems to be blamed reflexively. I've grown a thick skin. It's the only thing I can do.

I don't know that this is true. I think a lot of us might inwardly question a particular call a mother makes (from screen time to vaccination to discipline) but I don't think we necessarily go around judging other women on mothering as a whole. I seriously hope not anyway. I agree we should all have thick skins.

No, the worst thing for me would be being called or thought of as a bad person. Being a mother is part of who I am, but I'm also a wife, a friend, a daughter, and a human being. I care less about being a good lawyer than I do a good any of those things, but mother is only part of it. I don't want to be a bad person.

You do realize that you have ALREADY been thought of as a bad mother by someone?

And as a parent of a child with special needs, please bear this in mind - any time your child has issues, temporary or chronic, the mother seems to be blamed reflexively. I've grown a thick skin. It's the only thing I can do.

Anonymous wrote:It would only hurt if I suspected it to be true. I don't think I'm an amazing mother or anything like that, I'm far from perfect... but I am dedicated to them, they get every moment of my free time, and they are happy and secure and cared for. Maybe others have higher standards for themselves and their parenting abilities, but those are mine.

Bingo. As a WOHM trying to work on putting my smartphone down at home, this would be insulting precisely because if would speak to my fears and insecurities.

Only if it was my daughter having that thought!!

If it's anyone else, I don't care. Not interested in their opinion.

Anonymous wrote:I don't really care what people think about my parenting, unless they are my kids or husband.

Same.

I don't really care what people think about my parenting, unless they are my kids or husband.

It would only hurt if I suspected it to be true. I don't think I'm an amazing mother or anything like that, I'm far from perfect... but I am dedicated to them, they get every moment of my free time, and they are happy and secure and cared for. Maybe others have higher standards for themselves and their parenting abilities, but those are mine.