Anonymous wrote:You say your MIL can barely care for FIL - not sure why she would be better able to do so at your home. You need to assume that, if you do this, you and DH will be doing a significant degree of his care, especially the heavy lifting. Literally.

My grandfather had Parkinson's. He ended up bedridden for over 2 years. He had to be physically helped to the bathroom, shower, etc. It required a full-time health aide, since my father couldn't be there all the time. There will be middle of the night accidents to clean up.

Living with someone with dementia or Alzheimer's can be frightening for young children. This would be my biggest concern. My mother tells stories about her grandmother who had Alzheimer's and lived with them when my mom was a teen. Her grandmother would get violent sometimes. She would get confused about where she was and who my mom and her parents were. One time she was trying to leave in the middle of the night. My grandfather was trying to physically restrain her. She didn't recognize my grandfather (her son) and was fighting him, saying "wait until my sons get here!" My mom still has such a vivid memory of this scene, and my grandfather crying.

So, yes, there's a lot to consider. A lot depends on the kinds of symptoms your FIL has. Personally, my biggest hesitation would be the impact to my kids. Is there going to be lots of yelling from a confused man who doesn't recognize them? Would he pose a physical danger to them?

Good luck. This is such a hard situation to be in.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your FIL would be much better off in a care facility with frequent visits and lots of regular engagement from you and your family. Dementia, Parkinson's AND dialysis is not a load that can be managed as a side project for two FT working parents who are also managing 3 small kids. It's wildly unrealistic and unfair to everyone involved, not least your FIL.

Another point to bear in mind: Whatever his condition was before he was hospitalized, it will not revert to status quo ante. Elderly patients never fully recover from the decompensation they experience while hospitalized.

Where do your inlaws live now? Is there a home/apartment that could be sold to finance his care?

You should be focusing your energies now on working with the hospital social worker on the best possible (and closest possible) placement for him. BTW the PP who said the hospital social worker will just try to pawn him off on you is wrong - they're not idiots or totally irresponsible.

One other point: track down the hospital's palliative care department / specialist. We met with them when my parent who had Alzheimers went through a long hospital stay. The palliative care specialists were truly wonderful in helping us think through the right questions to consider in order to give him the best possible quality of life with dignity to figure out where he would be best situated and to manage his care during the later phases of his illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

Anonymous wrote:Dialysis means you have to take him for 4 hour sessions three times a week at the dialysis center. If he is on home dialysis, that requires extensive amounts of training and equipment.

Dementia means he may become violent, etc. He will need to be constantly watched.

You are already stretched too thin with three kids and work.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone unless you can afford round-the-clock aides for him, and they likely have to be experienced aides (plus they have to be able to drive him to dialysis) to deal with the host of issues. Aides are not cheap and Medicaid will not pay. Do you have that kind of money?

Anonymous wrote:How is your MIL with your kids? This could end up being a very lovely gift to your kids if it fosters a close relationship with their grandparent. It also is a beautiful real way to teach them values.

That said, can you afford it? What happens if MIL falls ill herself and FIL is still alive? I don't know, would be very tough. My mother lived with us for about a year with great needs at the end of her life and it was hard but boy am I glad I did it. I'm sure that I would offer the same to my MIL.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Sharing a BEDROOM with your children? Withbyour FIL having hallucinations and all sorts of other issues, no way. It is not safe for your kids. If it was a hospice situation where he only had a few days/weeks, you could have the kids bunk in with you for a short time. But you both work full time andnit sounds like you have a very small house.

My father has Parkinson’s and I could never care for him while also caring for my young children. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Your father needs a nursing home, preferably near you, where you (and occasionally the kids) can visit him. Does your step mother in law have kids of her own who could help pay for an apartment? Your FIL needs round the clock care, but if he is in a nursing home, your SMIL could get a part time job.