For disciplining what you cannot see

I remind them that I can’t be the judge when I’m not seeing everything so they need to come up with ways to fix that themselves or I just make blanket rules that apply to all. He came in your room, you asked him to leave, he didn’t, there was pushing??? - Simple - new basic rule is no one goes in anyone else’s room uninvited. Next time you’ll all know automatically who is wrong because the person who entered the room was wrong. Done. She took the nailpolis you left on the coffee table and used it? Put it in your room where she can’t go and you won’t have to worry about confusion as to who it belonged to. Is it always fair? No. But it’s impartial and that’s the way it has to be to prevent the illusion of playing favorites.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a question for the posters giving advice. My DS constantly picks on my youngest DD. They are only 12 months apart, but DS is so annoying. I do discipline, no name calling, no touching or there will be consequences (loss of phone privileges, no video games on the weekend, etc.) What do you do when the teasing happens when you don't see it? Then it is a he said/she said. This happens most of the time. I've caught both kids lying on separate occasions, so it isn't like my youngest is always innocent. How do you deal when you don't see it? "Joe came in to my room and wouldn't leave when I asked. I screamed at him to leave and he pushed me." "That is a lie, I never pushed you and I left after you screamed!". Uggg, I get a lot of this.

+1 except I have two DS that are almost four years apart (but same exact scenario). Would love discipline ideas for situations where one is telling on the other, you weren't there to see and you know that both will lie.

Both kids get punished. One for screaming and one for coming into room and pushing.

Is the 10yo always trying to hang out with her older sister? Borrowing her stuff? Invading her privacy? Do they share a room?

Tbh there was a 3 year age difference between me and my younger sister. I hated her when I was 13. Want to know why? I discovered masturbation and all I wanted to do was lock myself in my bedroom or the bathroom (loved that tub faucet) and she wouldn't leave me alone. So I hated her and lashed out at her.

I'm going to suggest a different idea, since what you are doing currently isn't working. I have 13 year old twins and one has a much more difficult personality than the other. She is also very nice to her friends and kind in school. She is a different person at home with her twin. Traditional disciplining didn't work for her in the home, and like yours she felt favoritism was happening. The only thing that has worked in making any headway is a book called Transforming the Difficult Child. It uses the nurtured heart approach. https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/about-nurtured-heart-approach/

It is a challenge to use this method, no doubt about it, because you have to ignore the bad behavior and only focus on the good. Basically give no energy at all to the bad, and lots of energy to the good things you see happening, no matter how small. By doing this, the child starts to build up their sense of self worth and good behavior becomes more rewarding than bad behavior. Think about all the personal energy you give to fighting and meanness and misbehavior - we use loud voices and long talks about discipline and IT'S A BIG DEAL. But a good grade or help with the dishes just gets a "nice job". Once you get the energy output under control, then you can set family rules and enforce them dispassionately when they are broken. No raised voices, just the consequence and move on.

It's hard work to remember all the time but it does work if you are consistent.

Anonymous wrote:Just a question for the posters giving advice. My DS constantly picks on my youngest DD. They are only 12 months apart, but DS is so annoying. I do discipline, no name calling, no touching or there will be consequences (loss of phone privileges, no video games on the weekend, etc.) What do you do when the teasing happens when you don't see it? Then it is a he said/she said. This happens most of the time. I've caught both kids lying on separate occasions, so it isn't like my youngest is always innocent. How do you deal when you don't see it? "Joe came in to my room and wouldn't leave when I asked. I screamed at him to leave and he pushed me." "That is a lie, I never pushed you and I left after you screamed!". Uggg, I get a lot of this.

+1 except I have two DS that are almost four years apart (but same exact scenario). Would love discipline ideas for situations where one is telling on the other, you weren't there to see and you know that both will lie.

Just a question for the posters giving advice. My DS constantly picks on my youngest DD. They are only 12 months apart, but DS is so annoying. I do discipline, no name calling, no touching or there will be consequences (loss of phone privileges, no video games on the weekend, etc.) What do you do when the teasing happens when you don't see it? Then it is a he said/she said. This happens most of the time. I've caught both kids lying on separate occasions, so it isn't like my youngest is always innocent. How do you deal when you don't see it? "Joe came in to my room and wouldn't leave when I asked. I screamed at him to leave and he pushed me." "That is a lie, I never pushed you and I left after you screamed!". Uggg, I get a lot of this.

I am an older sister. I was generally nice to my younger sister. We love each other, mid 40s now. We always loved each other and did almost everything together. However, my sister was a brat while growing up and sick as a young child and could get away with murder. One time she attacked me (teen years) and all I did was hold her hands so she couldn't hit me. I was punished by mom. Because I am so strong it could hurt sister?!
In fact I was always punished by mom for things sister initiated. I was "strong" and sister was not. Sis is genius IQ but lacks some everyday skills. I was in charge of her, it was my fault all the time for anything sister did. Wasn't home on time? My fault. Kissed a boy? Where was I? Wants to go to the party? only if I go too. Be careful of how you treat both of them, sister provoked me all the time. To this day, if I say how come sister did this....mom will erupt in rage. There is no doubt in my mind, that my mother even today loves my sister more, always has, always will. Sister feels the same about dad and me. I was beyond any doubt my dad' favorite child. All of this I wrote, to maybe pay some better attention to see why? Why is your older acting like this? I kid you not, I still feel like Cinderella when it comes to how mom treated me compared to sister. Maybe it is all in my head, but it is still there and something caused it.

Anonymous wrote:If I discipline her it makes it worse and she accuses me of favoritism.

OP as a former HS teacher, this is a typical tack for a teen to take. Distract from the real issue at hand. Personalize. Attempt to make it someone else's fault. My advice is to stay calm and pleasant, laugh about it when you can, and don't get sucked into her version of the events. Easier said than done

My sister and I were at each others throats all throughout our teen years. Physically beating up on each other, and verbally attacking each other. My parents just let us figure it out.

Today, we're best friends and have nothing but love and respect for each other. In looking back, I think our feelings were rooted in jealousy - for what I have no idea because we could not be more different.

We are 15 months apart, if that helps.

Sometimes it is that she lashes out at someone safe because she has been holding it together and “being good” around everyone else. While you are working with her using any of the techniques others have mentioned, be sure you give the younger child (saying he for ease) a safe space - a bedroom, even your bedroom, where older sister cannot go. Tell the older that her brother doesn’t deserve to be belittled, yelled at, whatever and so when he is feeling upset with you and goes to his room, you are to leave him alone completely (and maybe think about what may have just happened to make him do that) It’s a process for the older one to regroup but you have to be sure your little ones feelings are being addressed at the same time.