Anonymous wrote:It doesn't take a village. If it was an emergency surgery, then I get the situation but husband should have canceled his trip. If it wasn't an emergency he should have done the trip another time or hired help. We don't have a village and we make it work.

You are just so helpful to OP, Ms. Perfect. I can do it all alone, and did it for years. Doesn't mean it is not hard. You are nasty.

I was in your situation and in a foreign country and by that I don't mean I am an immigrant here, even though I am. We moved overseas for work. No support at all. I feel for you having a surgery and no time to rest. You will have the routines and activities down and you will find support, hopefully. Hang in there.

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand, OP, and I do have a village. My family is all on the west coast and I moved here as an adult, post-grad school, so my only close friend was DH. Although it is REALLY not in my nature, I forced myself to go to a new moms’ group when my first kid was just weeks old. I was so shy, but I ended up with great friends. Some of those people have moved away but as my kids entered elementary school and later middle school, i added to my “village” with parents from those schools. Honestly, it’s a village built on proximity and mutual dependence. We all work and so rely on each other for carpooling, homework backup, and socializing. Pretty much all my close friends are both my neighbors (in the broadest sense of within a 2-mile radius) and my kids’ friends’ parents. We do live in a neighborhood where everyone is physically quite close and no one has a big yard, which helps. My only advice is to be helpful and accept help when it’s offered.

Please explain the homework backup.

Carpooling I get but you hardly need a village to establish a carpool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I disagree. Most likely your mother’s neighbors had her own children. Was she going to just leave hers at home alone while she came to watch your sick child? Sorry but I just don’t buy that neighbors and friends were helping to this extent. I actually don’t understand what OP even needs help with. Neighbors can’t help her husband feel better or her child’s pink eye heal. I’d say that children decades ago were more independent and could be sent outside when another child was sick, but I really don’t think neighbors were coming by to watch sick children.

I think OP is another example of a millennial with poor coping skills. Kids get sick. Husbands do too. It’s called life.

I totally understand, OP, and I do have a village. My family is all on the west coast and I moved here as an adult, post-grad school, so my only close friend was DH. Although it is REALLY not in my nature, I forced myself to go to a new moms’ group when my first kid was just weeks old. I was so shy, but I ended up with great friends. Some of those people have moved away but as my kids entered elementary school and later middle school, i added to my “village” with parents from those schools. Honestly, it’s a village built on proximity and mutual dependence. We all work and so rely on each other for carpooling, homework backup, and socializing. Pretty much all my close friends are both my neighbors (in the broadest sense of within a 2-mile radius) and my kids’ friends’ parents. We do live in a neighborhood where everyone is physically quite close and no one has a big yard, which helps. My only advice is to be helpful and accept help when it’s offered.

It is possible to get to a village. It’s hard when kids are young because everyone is tied up in their demands and you don’t necessarily have the day to day interactions that build closer friendships between families. Once our kids were in the local elementary school, it got a better - though we did make a big effort to spend time with out in the neighborhood, at school events, at the pool, volunteering as couches, offering to carpool/watch other kids to get there. Tomorrow DH is traveling and I have a work event, and I have 3 other families helping watch and carpool my kids - and more on backup if I need it. I’m lucky to live in a neighborhood where that is the norm (probably helps that we don’t have endless resources to outsource things, so everyone recognizes the value of the village).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I know in my own childhood my mom had friends she could call on to help when situations like this arose. Someone to watch us while she ran out to pick up medicine so we didn’t have to go out sick. I also vividly remember going with her as a teenager to our family friends houses to help out when things game up. My mother worked full time and her village was a variety of neighbors, church friends and 1-2 work friends. . Having a job outside the home and having a village are two very different things IMO.

Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.
* Raise your kids to be convenient, good playmates
* I really spaced out my kids, too. I feel that kods with a small age diff are a luxury for SAHMs and women with a village. Those of us who do it alone need to do one kid at a time. I have 11 years between mine; 7-12 years js typicL around me.

OP, I have kids the same age as you who go to full time preschool. We also have an au pair. It is really helpful to have another adult in the house, especially since my husband works late and frequently travels. We could muddle through without her, but it relieves the pressure from the whole system. Basically, I pay for my village and it is money well spent.

I think our generation grossly underestimated the importance of living near family & long term friends. (I’m the oldest millineal/youngest x er)

I finally feel like I have a village here. It took me 10 years! Absurd, right? It just took me a really long time to find a warm/loving social circle.

To those of you with helpful local family, appreciate them. Hiring a babysitter in a pinch is NOT the same as having some one who cares about you to lean on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

did you ASK someone to help you? You needed to announce to your mom friends "Hey, I'm having surgery next Tuesday and DH is leaving for Asia Wednesday, so if anyone has time to stop by and check on me and the kids I'd really appreciate it!"

I don't have close friends here either, but I'd be happy to help an acquaintance in your situation... Maybe it could lead to a closer friendship too. Did you text anyone and ask for help? Sometimes it helps to be direct.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

I hear you OP. My family is on another continent, my MIL is mentally ill and my FIL is MIA. I had the flu and called my H home from a business trip because I couldn't take care of small kids overnight with 103 fever.