Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not minimize the potential effects on your existing bio child of all the challenges that adopting an older child brings. It is one thing for your bio child to have a bio-sibling who has special needs, but it is another thing entirely for you to voluntarily create that situation for your family. We adopted a pair of older siblings. It has worked well for us, but has not been without challenges from one child with previously undiagnosed FASD. Given some of the big behavioral challenges we had with that child, I would have felt terribly guilty had we already had a bio child at home.

Yes this.

I know two families like this. Both have bio daughters. One daughter is extremely bitter about her childhood and really rarely visit home. Though I know that she loves her parents and special needs adopted siblings. The other one is in college visits regularly and definitely as she grew up came into a more helper/parental role. But this girl definitely missed out on a lot things because of her siblings extreme needs

I spent every day taking mine to therapies for 5 years...very much something to think about. No regrets.

Anonymous wrote:Do not minimize the potential effects on your existing bio child of all the challenges that adopting an older child brings. It is one thing for your bio child to have a bio-sibling who has special needs, but it is another thing entirely for you to voluntarily create that situation for your family. We adopted a pair of older siblings. It has worked well for us, but has not been without challenges from one child with previously undiagnosed FASD. Given some of the big behavioral challenges we had with that child, I would have felt terribly guilty had we already had a bio child at home.

Yes this.

I know two families like this. Both have bio daughters. One daughter is extremely bitter about her childhood and really rarely visit home. Though I know that she loves her parents and special needs adopted siblings. The other one is in college visits regularly and definitely as she grew up came into a more helper/parental role. But this girl definitely missed out on a lot things because of her siblings extreme needs

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, guys. Lots of good info and things to consider + additional avenues for research.

As to why we want to adopt, it's pretty straightforward -- both DH and I believe that every kid deserves a family that loves them unconditionally and cares for them. It's beyond messed up that some kids don't get a stable home and we'd like to provide one for a child that needs it. The thing that concerns me more than anything about foster-to-adopt would not necessarily be that the child goes back to their bio family, if/when that's what's best for them (even though that would be plenty hard), but that we might have to return them to a bad situation, because the law says so. I've read several blogs/testimonials from foster parents in that situation.

Anyways, I'll keep researching/will read the books that a few of you recommended, then will take it from there.

Not all situations kids go back to are bad. Often, the parents clean up their act and do what they need to do as they want their kids back so they go back. If you want to adopt, you need to do a straight adoption. Fostering is about reunification and adoption is supposed to be the last resort. Most of those foster blogs are extremely bias by people wanting both a cheap adoption AND the benefits - stipend/medicaid that come with adoption out of foster care vs. an international or newborn or other adoption. They are strictly in it to adopt and are going to bash the parents. Parents may not be perfect but most kids even if its not a great situation would much prefer to go to their parents vs. being adopted. If you want to help, you become a foster parent and support reunification - that is truly helping. Adoption is often a selfish act for you.

Also, we do not take this lightly (which is why I'm trying to round up as much information as possible ahead of time.) Thank you for all that discussed the potential downsides of going through with this. We are still very much determined to adopt, but this thread has highlighted some possible issues that I hadn't thought about/might need to prepare our family for.

Thank you, guys. Lots of good info and things to consider + additional avenues for research.

As to why we want to adopt, it's pretty straightforward -- both DH and I believe that every kid deserves a family that loves them unconditionally and cares for them. It's beyond messed up that some kids don't get a stable home and we'd like to provide one for a child that needs it. The thing that concerns me more than anything about foster-to-adopt would not necessarily be that the child goes back to their bio family, if/when that's what's best for them (even though that would be plenty hard), but that we might have to return them to a bad situation, because the law says so. I've read several blogs/testimonials from foster parents in that situation.

Anyways, I'll keep researching/will read the books that a few of you recommended, then will take it from there.

Just know that adoptuskids and similar sites do not post all the information they know about the kid and try to paint the kid in the best possible light. Any kid on there is not being adopted by the foster family or birth parents or other foster homes the agency already knows of. Why not? Often because the kid has significant needs. For example if you see "needs a structured routine" expect the kid will have trouble on many family outings and holidays and other times the routine is disrupted. "Would be best as a youngest or only child" can be code for "has abused other kids." etc. etc. If you are going to adopt a waiting child, be prepared that the child could have serious and long-lasting mental health issues stemming from abuse/neglect, multiple moves, the heritable aspects of some mental illnesses, prenatal substance exposure, and more. Will that be the case with all kids? Absolutely not, but it is probably the majority of kids on adoptuskids. Is this a reason not to adopt? Also no, but you need to be prepared. If you cannot fathom calling mental health crisis lines, having the police at your house, getting calls to pick up your raging kid from school, needing to take time off work to deal with crises, having a child hospitalized for mental health issues, having a child who will do damage to your home or belongings then this is not for you. Not all kids in care have these issues. But enough do that if you cannot tolerate these things, you should not adopt a waiting child. I think foster to adopt can in some cases be less traumatic for the kids (since they are going right from their home to the permanent placement) and waiting children tend to have more extreme needs (since they've been in care longer, moved more, and since kids with more severe needs are more likely to have their foster families unwilling to adopt them). But all kids need families, so if you are able to do it you definitely should!