Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He likely could be diagnosed, but it's not your job to diagnose him or push him to seek one. Please realize, though, that if you go back to work this arrangement you currently have will fall apart. I strongly recommend marriage counseling, probably just in general and definitely to discuss division of labor if you go back to work. For example, you need to agree on a couple what activities the kids will do, what housework is important and who does it, etc. You are a team, and if he wants to scale back his financial contribution -- which is totally reasonable -- that needs to be part of a team effort in which he steps up in other areas. He doesn't just scale back his work and garden while you do everything around the house.

I am married to someone who is similar in some ways, likely diagnosable but generally presents as a man-child. Marriage counseling helped. Good luck.

Like I said, the biggest problem is that he doesn’t recognize he has a problem. I’ve brought up marriage counseling multiple times, and he has shot that down each time. I can’t win any argument and for my own sanity’s sake, I have stopped trying. Our marriage saver was when I stopped working and took over the household/childcare realm. In his defense, he is not a complete man child as he makes a good salary, and he is handy, takes out the trash, plays with the kids.

But yeah. Your point is well taken that if I go back to work full time, it will all fall apart. He knows it on some level, because he doesn’t want me to go back to work. But I think it also stresses him out to be the sole financial provider, and to feel stuck doing something he dislikes for such a big part of his life.

He doesn't have to recognize that he "has a problem." He does have to recognize that his choices have an impact on the family he chose to create with you.

So he takes out the trash and fixes things, but can't keep the kids' needs organized, or do laundry or cook competently. He is capable of bringing home most of the HHI, but doesn't want to do that either because he "dislikes" it. But he doesn't want you go work because he knows that he can't run the household.

I suggest that you get therapy for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:I meant it was a wash after factoring in all those variables. You can also apply for forbearance for school loans if experiencing financial hardship.

Anyway yes I would love to speak with a financial planner but DH is against any outside help, and thinks we can figure it out on our own. And to some extent he has gotten better informed on it, and has actually reviewed his 401k investments etc.

We have considered moving, but decided not to, we are pretty happy where we are and it’s such a great place for our kids to grow up. But yes, that was basically DH’s fantasy- to move somewhere remote, make loads of money so that he wouldn’t have to think or worry about money anymore, and then retire by 50 and do whatever he wanted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He likely could be diagnosed, but it's not your job to diagnose him or push him to seek one. Please realize, though, that if you go back to work this arrangement you currently have will fall apart. I strongly recommend marriage counseling, probably just in general and definitely to discuss division of labor if you go back to work. For example, you need to agree on a couple what activities the kids will do, what housework is important and who does it, etc. You are a team, and if he wants to scale back his financial contribution -- which is totally reasonable -- that needs to be part of a team effort in which he steps up in other areas. He doesn't just scale back his work and garden while you do everything around the house.

I am married to someone who is similar in some ways, likely diagnosable but generally presents as a man-child. Marriage counseling helped. Good luck.

Like I said, the biggest problem is that he doesn’t recognize he has a problem. I’ve brought up marriage counseling multiple times, and he has shot that down each time. I can’t win any argument and for my own sanity’s sake, I have stopped trying. Our marriage saver was when I stopped working and took over the household/childcare realm. In his defense, he is not a complete man child as he makes a good salary, and he is handy, takes out the trash, plays with the kids.

But yeah. Your point is well taken that if I go back to work full time, it will all fall apart. He knows it on some level, because he doesn’t want me to go back to work. But I think it also stresses him out to be the sole financial provider, and to feel stuck doing something he dislikes for such a big part of his life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

But mortgage loan debt is way more deductible, as well as dischargable in bankrupt, so you should have paid off student loan (which is weird that your student loans were less than 4%).

Yes, you need to think about medical insurance if he goes part time — esp if you are both part time

You need a financial advisor desperately. You seem a little uninformed and it sounds like your DH doesn’t care.

The school loan was consolidated at below 3% interest. I remember researching the issue, and it was kind of a wash between the two.

Anonymous wrote:He likely could be diagnosed, but it's not your job to diagnose him or push him to seek one. Please realize, though, that if you go back to work this arrangement you currently have will fall apart. I strongly recommend marriage counseling, probably just in general and definitely to discuss division of labor if you go back to work. For example, you need to agree on a couple what activities the kids will do, what housework is important and who does it, etc. You are a team, and if he wants to scale back his financial contribution -- which is totally reasonable -- that needs to be part of a team effort in which he steps up in other areas. He doesn't just scale back his work and garden while you do everything around the house.

I am married to someone who is similar in some ways, likely diagnosable but generally presents as a man-child. Marriage counseling helped. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped[i] when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

Stop using the terms "disabled" and "handicapped" unless he has an actual diagnosis. Which he doesn't.

We all have areas we are better at than others, but adults do what we need to do regardless of what we are good at. It is not acceptable for a full-grown adult to decide not to "believe in" separating laundry or not figure the hell out out how to keep track of the kids' schedule and get them to their activities.

If he didn't want to step up to the parts of parenting that he is "not good at," he should not have had kids.

OP here and I'm not sure what to tell you - at one point in time, these things were a huge point of conflict, esp. when we first moved in together, but at some point I decided to choose our relationship over "being right". He honest to goodness does not see the point of separating lights and darks - he says it doesn't matter if the whites turn gray, why should it, etc. He doesn't believe that kids should be signed up for any kind of sports or activities outside of school, and that our society in general over-schedules children. And he kicks me out of the house on the rare occasions that he cooks, because I get so visibly anxious about where he is putting that raw chicken. I once caught him trying to cook chicken wings that were so spoiled that they smelled like feces, and we spent a half hour arguing about it because he was convinced it would be fine once he cooked it because it would kill the germs. And he believes that anything that is still sealed never goes bad, including eggs because they have a shell. Again, I wish I were joking, but unfortunately I'm not. He is incredibly intelligent in some areas but sorely missing common sense in other areas, and even after 20 years together, he still finds ways to confound me with his flawed reasoning and his blind attachment to it. When we first met, we argued about things like the existence of "merge lanes" on the highway - he was convinced there was no such thing (after almost getting into several car accidents). There is no diagnosis that fits him, he is an oddball in that respect, but I think the most challenging part is that he doesn't believe he has a problem - he believes everyone else has a problem. Anyway, I digress....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped[i] when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

Stop using the terms "disabled" and "handicapped" unless he has an actual diagnosis. Which he doesn't.

We all have areas we are better at than others, but adults do what we need to do regardless of what we are good at. It is not acceptable for a full-grown adult to decide not to "believe in" separating laundry or not figure the hell out out how to keep track of the kids' schedule and get them to their activities.

If he didn't want to step up to the parts of parenting that he is "not good at," he should not have had kids.

OP here and I'm not sure what to tell you - at one point in time, these things were a huge point of conflict, esp. when we first moved in together, but at some point I decided to choose our relationship over "being right". He honest to goodness does not see the point of separating lights and darks - he says it doesn't matter if the whites turn gray, why should it, etc. He doesn't believe that kids should be signed up for any kind of sports or activities outside of school, and that our society in general over-schedules children. And he kicks me out of the house on the rare occasions that he cooks, because I get so visibly anxious about where he is putting that raw chicken. I once caught him trying to cook chicken wings that were so spoiled that they smelled like feces, and we spent a half hour arguing about it because he was convinced it would be fine once he cooked it because it would kill the germs. And he believes that anything that is still sealed never goes bad, including eggs because they have a shell. Again, I wish I were joking, but unfortunately I'm not. He is incredibly intelligent in some areas but sorely missing common sense in other areas, and even after 20 years together, he still finds ways to confound me with his flawed reasoning and his blind attachment to it. When we first met, we argued about things like the existence of "merge lanes" on the highway - he was convinced there was no such thing (after almost getting into several car accidents). There is no diagnosis that fits him, he is an oddball in that respect, but I think the most challenging part is that he doesn't believe he has a problem - he believes everyone else has a problem. Anyway, I digress....

Holy smoke. Sure this wasn’t the life you expected when you decided to be a doctors wife.

Seriously; where does he practice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

But mortgage loan debt is way more deductible, as well as dischargable in bankrupt, so you should have paid off student loan (which is weird that your student loans were less than 4%).

Yes, you need to think about medical insurance if he goes part time — esp if you are both part time

You need a financial advisor desperately. You seem a little uninformed and it sounds like your DH doesn’t care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped[i] when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

Stop using the terms "disabled" and "handicapped" unless he has an actual diagnosis. Which he doesn't.

We all have areas we are better at than others, but adults do what we need to do regardless of what we are good at. It is not acceptable for a full-grown adult to decide not to "believe in" separating laundry or not figure the hell out out how to keep track of the kids' schedule and get them to their activities.

If he didn't want to step up to the parts of parenting that he is "not good at," he should not have had kids.

OP here and I'm not sure what to tell you - at one point in time, these things were a huge point of conflict, esp. when we first moved in together, but at some point I decided to choose our relationship over "being right". He honest to goodness does not see the point of separating lights and darks - he says it doesn't matter if the whites turn gray, why should it, etc. He doesn't believe that kids should be signed up for any kind of sports or activities outside of school, and that our society in general over-schedules children. And he kicks me out of the house on the rare occasions that he cooks, because I get so visibly anxious about where he is putting that raw chicken. I once caught him trying to cook chicken wings that were so spoiled that they smelled like feces, and we spent a half hour arguing about it because he was convinced it would be fine once he cooked it because it would kill the germs. And he believes that anything that is still sealed never goes bad, including eggs because they have a shell. Again, I wish I were joking, but unfortunately I'm not. He is incredibly intelligent in some areas but sorely missing common sense in other areas, and even after 20 years together, he still finds ways to confound me with his flawed reasoning and his blind attachment to it. When we first met, we argued about things like the existence of "merge lanes" on the highway - he was convinced there was no such thing (after almost getting into several car accidents). There is no diagnosis that fits him, he is an oddball in that respect, but I think the most challenging part is that he doesn't believe he has a problem - he believes everyone else has a problem. Anyway, I digress....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped[i] when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

This. Seriously. If he wanted to be a man child and bum around and garden then he should not have incited debt, married and had children to take care of. And you enabled him. It's like teens who mow the lawn badly so they won't get asked again.

He has his areas of competence - he's handy at fixing things, he's great with playing with the children, he's great at gardening, and he's great at his job. We all have areas that we are better at than others, but it is just more extreme with him - I would consider him disabled in other areas.

Stop using the terms "disabled" and "handicapped" unless he has an actual diagnosis. Which he doesn't.

We all have areas we are better at than others, but adults do what we need to do regardless of what we are good at. It is not acceptable for a full-grown adult to decide not to "believe in" separating laundry or not figure the hell out out how to keep track of the kids' schedule and get them to their activities.

If he didn't want to step up to the parts of parenting that he is "not good at," he should not have had kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.

So he wants to work part-time and then do his own thing with the extra time? With little kids in the house, student debt, and college tuitions to pay down the line?

You are a way more patient wife than I would be, in this scenario.

No, I think he would attempt to do his share. But he would do it his way. I wish I was joking about him being handicapped with the household and practical things, but I'm not. It's partly his temperament (very stubborn) and also some kind of disability. With laundry, he doesn't believe in separating and will throw wool sweaters in the dryer. With cooking, he will spread raw chicken juice all over every surface of the kitchen with a soiled rag. With organization, he has never attempted any kind of organization beyond throwing things in the trash. With any kind of communication (social, school, whatever) he will ignore unless he is harassed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have almost paid off your house but still have student loan debt??? Weird. You need a FA.

Also, if you return to full time work, PT medical role would work perfectly. Not sure if you PT at a hospital, so they give you medical insurance?

OP here - the mortgage loan interest rate was higher than the student loan interest rate, so we decided to try to pay that off first.

I hadn't thought of the medical insurance issue - ideally DH would still get medical insurance even if he works PT, but I'm not sure if he will be able to.

And ideally, I would rather work less than full-time when I return to work, but that might be just a pipe dream. DH is handicapped when it comes to household and practical stuff (cleaning, laundry, organization, budgeting) . And if he were to handle childcare - pretty much everything would be eliminated like activities, sports, snacks, crafts, playdates, toys, school events. He is a good dad, but he has extreme prioritizing where there are only a couple things that are important and everything else is completely unimportant. So for the sake of keeping an organized house and for the sake of the kids, I'd like to handle most of the house and kid stuff.