I was married 25 years and then got divorced. Never once did either of us speak abusively to each other or lose our temper in anger. He did act stupid once when he was drunk and raised his voice, but even then he didn't say anything abusive to me, and it only happened once in 25 years.

Anonymous wrote:Married a dozen or so years. No, not ever. Not sure what is meant in asking about out downs but yes we disagree, argue, and sometimes get mad at each other. Never physical, not sure there is ever even name calling because we are “normal” adults.

Similar to PP. Married almost 20 years and we've never raised our voices to each other and certainly never anything close to violence or throwing things. We argue and get angry and snarky sometimes but never name-calling or insults.

A well-timed “F off” is cathartic.

PP, you told your DH he was being obnoxious and you think that’s name-calling? Does he make you stand in the corner if dinner is cold?

My ex-bf used to throw things. He never threw anything at me, never threw anything expensive, and never threw anything that wasn’t his. Maybe it was borderline abusive? No put-downs though. And his anger/frustration wasn’t usually directed at me, like, I never felt like it was my fault he did those things. He would break pencils too.

I recently said to my husband “you are being obnoxious” which is pretty bad for us and maybe close to name-calling? I don’t think he’s ever name-called me. The worst he does when he’s really really mad is he just leaves the house without telling me where he’s going or how long he’ll be gone. The first time he did it I was kind of scared, like “what does this mean??” scared. But it’s rare. Maybe 2 or 3 times in 12 years.

Married a dozen or so years. No, not ever. Not sure what is meant in asking about out downs but yes we disagree, argue, and sometimes get mad at each other. Never physical, not sure there is ever even name calling because we are “normal” adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

It was still verbally abusive. Why call it something else?

OK, so if your usually-good-as-gold 18-year-old high school senior called someone a "bitch" at school during a verbal argument, he should be expelled? After all, abusive people shouldn't be allowed in a school environment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

It was still verbally abusive. Why call it something else?

Because it was a bad moment. It wasn't a pattern. It wasn't habitual. What it was was an inappropriately strong reaction.

It was a word. Not a pattern, not a slap, not months of gaslighting; it was a WORD.

Because abuse is a sustained pattern of behavior, not a couple of one-off incidents of temper-losing. Saying that something rises to the level of being abusive is pretty serious. Where do you draw the line between conflict and bad communication skills and verbal abuse? I would not say that the PP’s example was verbally abusive. It isn’t great, but it’s not abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

It was still verbally abusive. Why call it something else?

NP but someone I am close to once punched a wall during a fight with his wife (my friend). He was immediately horrified and extremely remorseful. Nothing like it happened before or after. I don’t think he seems abusive.

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

Whatever the husband does that the wife doesn't like counts as "abuse."

Anything the wife does, at all, is justified.

My ex threw a remote at the wall once. My DH now, never.

I think its more normal then one wants to admit. Growing up there was a lot of screaming and other stuff. In my marriage none.