Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 13:59     Subject: "Take us on a trip"

You need to start making your voice heard, my dear. When one spouse is too chicken, the other spouse says the words out loud.

"No, thank you. We prefer to do our own thing on vacations. You are always welcome in our guest room that we did specially for you (little white lie). It's very comfortable."

Repeat for ever. Speak cheerily. Smile (even on the phone, it makes your voice sound more upbeat).
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 13:52     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:I would maybe just take your older DD to Disney with your parents, not the whole family. Do it during a visit to your parents' house -- not a "disney" vacation, just a day at Disney during a different trip.


This is a good idea. Dealing with 3 young kids at Disney is a s*%t show. If all three are in daycare the oldest is probably 4 which is the bare minimum to enjoy Disney. The younger ones will hate the crowds and won’t get much out of it. The best part of taking your DD alone as a visit to your parents house is that it starts establishing Disney trips as their thing. You can tell ILs that you guys can go as a family when the kids are older.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 13:47     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you must be a people pleaser. At some point in your life, you'll realize that you can't please everyone, kids, spouse, parents, in-laws without losing your own sanity/$/AL. So, it's time to grow a thicker skin and put the focus back to you, esp if you are the planner and the caretaker of the family.

Just say no to your in-laws for the 1st Disney trip. You have 3 young kids, so the chance of you going on another Disney trip is pretty high. They can tag along when your kids are older and presumably demand less of your attention.

Don't cave in to their complaints and whining. Treat them like toddlers, say no once, then redirect, then ignore.


OP here. Actually DH is the people pleaser. I only care about pleasing my nuclear family.


What PP (and many others) have noted is that there’s something going on with you that you have let this slide for so long. You have 3 children and you always go to your in-laws for visits and holidays because that’s what they say must happen. You even go on vacation with them to places that you say you don’t want to go and can’t afford to go.

Somethings up. Most adults don’t behave this way. Either you’re an extreme people pleaser or you just blindly do whatever your husband demands or something else. The dynamic you describe is not normal. Sure, everyone does some things for the sake of family harmony but you’ve taken it to a new level.

The question is: Why did you let it get this bad? The answer informs how you move forward...
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 13:41     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Obsessed with Disney?? Just stop with this crazy talk.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 12:25     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:OP, you must be a people pleaser. At some point in your life, you'll realize that you can't please everyone, kids, spouse, parents, in-laws without losing your own sanity/$/AL. So, it's time to grow a thicker skin and put the focus back to you, esp if you are the planner and the caretaker of the family.

Just say no to your in-laws for the 1st Disney trip. You have 3 young kids, so the chance of you going on another Disney trip is pretty high. They can tag along when your kids are older and presumably demand less of your attention.

Don't cave in to their complaints and whining. Treat them like toddlers, say no once, then redirect, then ignore.


OP here. Actually DH is the people pleaser. I only care about pleasing my nuclear family.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 12:20     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
OP, you must be a people pleaser. At some point in your life, you'll realize that you can't please everyone, kids, spouse, parents, in-laws without losing your own sanity/$/AL. So, it's time to grow a thicker skin and put the focus back to you, esp if you are the planner and the caretaker of the family.

Just say no to your in-laws for the 1st Disney trip. You have 3 young kids, so the chance of you going on another Disney trip is pretty high. They can tag along when your kids are older and presumably demand less of your attention.

Don't cave in to their complaints and whining. Treat them like toddlers, say no once, then redirect, then ignore.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 12:07     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH isn't really on my side. He'd rather cut back retirement or our own vacations to appease his parents. Is there anything I can say to his parents since DH won't?

OP your ILs are not the central issue here. You and your DH need to sit down and agree on a budget to reflect your priorities.

OP this is the quoted PP back again. My post answers your Disney questions too.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 11:59     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.


You and your dh aren't functioning as adults. No one gets to call dibs on your family vacation or your money. There is no way to live life without disappointing other people. That disappointment those people are showing you is actually manipulation.

Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 10:56     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
OP, if you don't put your foot down, the next next trip will be all-paid European (or somewhere exotic) trip.

Just invite them to Disney with your planning. Then you can plan it the way your want. If they decline, great, they can't whine about it again.

But you need to put a stop to it, or the battle will start again for the next trip (Safari?)
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 10:48     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
I would maybe just take your older DD to Disney with your parents, not the whole family. Do it during a visit to your parents' house -- not a "disney" vacation, just a day at Disney during a different trip.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 10:41     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.


It sounds like it’s something both families are obsessed with to be honest.

You handle this by accepting that whatever you decide, someone will get upset. That’s life. Your parents live in Orlando and work for Disney. Your DH can tell your ILs that you’re going with them. The ILs are going to be pissed.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 10:36     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
OP here. Any solutions for family going with us to Disney world? DH's family is very, very vocal about wanting to take us to Disney (say it monthly at least). Except I really want to go with my parents since my dad worked there and we went constantly as a kid. My parents are so helpful with the kids too. Right now I just feel like we can't go to Disney because everyone wants to go and we'd be disappointing someone. My older DD would LOVE to go. It's extremely stressful to travel with my ILs and I think it's rude of them to keep demanding Disney when it's obviously something my parents are obsessed with.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 10:14     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
All i can offer is that i feel your pain OP. My in laws always want to travel together, it’s always a total shit show and they’re always offended if we decline. And to make it work we DO travel with my family quite a bit... my family is fairly annoying and a lot of work, but they typically pay for everything but airfare. Once again, we risk the bait and switch on hotels too though...

I hope you and DH can get on the same page because that’s the only thing that can save your sanity b
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 09:52     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.


That’s a nice gesture. You can also invite them to visit you at your home.

Also, if they invite you to go somewhere like Atlantic City, it’s fine to say that you can’t afford it. It’s fine to say you want to go somewhere with more activities for children. You can speak up when those conversations come up. Those comments are a good opening for “Actually, we’re going to XX on YY date, would you like to join us? Basically, every time they invite you, turn it around and invite them. Say the kids would love to spend time with them!

But honestly, you guys need to get over your hang up about discussing money. You should not go on trips without knowing how much things are going to cost. Practice saying out loud. “We can’t afford that.”


OP here. They don't visit us. We live under 3 hours away from them too. They're just old school and think kids visit their parents and not the other way around (we have a lovely guest room). Likewise, they think kids go on their parent's vacations and not the other way around. We've do decline their trips. I guess I should just keep saying we can't afford it. Additionally, I don't have extra annual leave after budgeting it around holidays with family [b](because they don't visit us we have to use AL to visit them over holidays) and our own vacations.


Be a bit firmer on this. "We only have so much leave, and we'd be happy to host you for a weekend so you could see the kids." "You know what, we're not traveling for Christmas this year, but feel free to come to us!"

Seriously. You don't have to rearrange your life to their whims--"old school" is not a reason they should get what they want. And it's worth having this be a hill to die on with your DH--that you're willing to bend some, but not in every respect, and certainly not at the cost of your sanity when they aren't willing to bend themselves.
Anonymous
Post 02/25/2019 09:50     Subject: "Take us on a trip"
As an aside, you do not want to take your kids to Disney until they are MUCH older! Your crew is so young. They won't appreciate it.We took our trio last year at 12, 9 and 7. They had a blast and so did we (didn't expect that we'd enjoy it.) But everyone could walk on their own (except my dad -- we loved the basket in his scooter) and carry their own stuff. No one needed naps.

Wait to do Disney!