Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

Ok. Now that you know you can get a regular dicking, feel free to blow up your kids’ lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

Man here. My advice to men - the way to avoid being desperate, needy, and catching feelz from your FWB is to have more than one FWB. My advice to women - if you want a man who is not needy and will not catch feelz from you, you'll have to compromise on the exclusive/monogamy thing. If you are not 100% of his pussy supply, then he won't be all desperate to lock you down.

14:23 here. Men talk a good game about non-monogamy, but like you, they assume they’ll be the ones screwing around. The last guy I dated shed tears when he confronted me after seeing me on a date with someone else and finding a receipt for sex toys he didn’t buy. We had never had a talk about monogamy, but, of course, he assumed. Because women just aren’t biologically capable of wanting variety, amirite? A lot of men think they own women and have been lied to about female sexuality. The truth is no one is freer with more options than a woman who doesn’t want marriage or kids or even to move in. Men react like brats to that.

I am the PP who said that. I agree that it is difficult for men to do non-monogamy. It is a lot of work. Most men are lazy and want to lock down a woman for guaranteed, low-effort sex* (or at least, that's what he thinks he's going to get, though any formerly married man should know better). It is a lot of work to chase women - you have to stay in shape, dress well, be fun and interesting, keep approaching and getting rejected, etc. - and eventually most men get tired of it.

I also agree that it is trivially easy for women to be non-monogamous. It is also obvious, from observation and experience, that women get bored. Furthermore, moving in together will accelerate the process of her getting bored, not least because that's when the man starts getting lazy as I noted above. He thinks, "I won, game over".

I don't regard myself as immune to the above issues, but at least I'm aware of them.

* Forget all this "they want someone to take care of them" crap. Men want sex. If they get that, they won't care if you're cooking and cleaning or not.

14:23 here. Men talk a good game about non-monogamy, but like you, they assume they’ll be the ones screwing around. The last guy I dated shed tears when he confronted me after seeing me on a date with someone else and finding a receipt for sex toys he didn’t buy. We had never had a talk about monogamy, but, of course, he assumed. Because women just aren’t biologically capable of wanting variety, amirite? A lot of men think they own women and have been lied to about female sexuality. The truth is no one is freer with more options than a woman who doesn’t want marriage or kids or even to move in. Men react like brats to that.

Not true for me.

Man here - My facts exactly the same except my youngest is at the edge of high school. It was the women I dated that started to want "more" - the worst part was that usually the ones that were the best (and wildest) sex were the ones who wanted the monogamy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

Man here. My advice to men - the way to avoid being desperate, needy, and catching feelz from your FWB is to have more than one FWB. My advice to women - if you want a man who is not needy and will not catch feelz from you, you'll have to compromise on the exclusive/monogamy thing. If you are not 100% of his pussy supply, then he won't be all desperate to lock you down.

14:23 here. Men talk a good game about non-monogamy, but like you, they assume they’ll be the ones screwing around. The last guy I dated shed tears when he confronted me after seeing me on a date with someone else and finding a receipt for sex toys he didn’t buy. We had never had a talk about monogamy, but, of course, he assumed. Because women just aren’t biologically capable of wanting variety, amirite? A lot of men think they own women and have been lied to about female sexuality. The truth is no one is freer with more options than a woman who doesn’t want marriage or kids or even to move in. Men react like brats to that.

Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

Wow, pass. I’ll look for someone who sneers a little less at a pretty normal mindset.

I know a woman who is doing this - she dates exclusively, but doesn’t introduce anyone to her kids. I think it’s gone reasonably well for her, but a few guys have wanted to be more serious than she wanted so it ended.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

I think this is the part you can't expect. If you want it to be casual, expectations for monogamy from the men are not realistic. I think you can easily find a friend with benefits who isn't married or otherwise committed but also has other casual sexual encounters easily though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. My advice to men - the way to avoid being desperate, needy, and catching feelz from your FWB is to have more than one FWB. My advice to women - if you want a man who is not needy and will not catch feelz from you, you'll have to compromise on the exclusive/monogamy thing. If you are not 100% of his pussy supply, then he won't be all desperate to lock you down.

That’s disgusting.
Check that. That’s disgustingly accurate.

As a woman, I agree. I'm sure there are exceptions, but men seem to very sweetly and intensely fall hard, much moreso than the women in this situation. You should have this discussion early and gently touch base every so often.

It's the "advice for women who don't want to get married" thread that we didn't know we wanted, but we needed.

Anonymous wrote:Man here. My advice to men - the way to avoid being desperate, needy, and catching feelz from your FWB is to have more than one FWB. My advice to women - if you want a man who is not needy and will not catch feelz from you, you'll have to compromise on the exclusive/monogamy thing. If you are not 100% of his pussy supply, then he won't be all desperate to lock you down.

That’s disgusting.
Check that. That’s disgustingly accurate.

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

Man here. My advice to men - the way to avoid being desperate, needy, and catching feelz from your FWB is to have more than one FWB. My advice to women - if you want a man who is not needy and will not catch feelz from you, you'll have to compromise on the exclusive/monogamy thing. If you are not 100% of his pussy supply, then he won't be all desperate to lock you down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether you will be able to date again should not factor into your decision to divorce.

The fact that you seem to be unable to be alone suggests you have some issues that need to be addressed.

Fix yourself, then determine if the marriage is saveable.

OP here: I am fine being single forever—as I mentioned. I am not looking to “date”—that is a straight-up boyfriend. That is not what I am looking for. I want a monogamous casual thing a few times a month...pretty much sex only or hanging out at home. I am not interested in going on dates. My concern is that men will want more. I don’t. I have hated being married and it should not have happened. Not salvageable. You did not understand my post.

Man here. You bet I'm up for that! Sounds ideal!

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering how difficult it would be to find a half-time boyfriend...or do people not do that? I am early 40s, planning a divorce, and have kids. I do not want to remarry. What I would like is a man to spend time with when I am not with my kids. I do not want to get married again and I do not want to mix a boyfriend with my kids. Maybe I will feel different about that in 10-15 years. I feel that maybe I would find a divorced man with kids who felt the same way (wanting to spend time with a woman but not involve kids). Is this possible or unrealistic? Yes, I am attractive and in the DC area.

Man here. I am divorced with 50/50 custody. I feel exactly the same way - do not want to remarry, do not want to mix girlfriend with kids. I especially do not want to move in with a divorced woman who has kids and try and do the Brady Bunch thing. So yes your desire is realistic.

I’ve had the same experience as 13:59.

Also, men get upset when a woman sincerely doesn’t want to settle down. They’re not used to that.

I’ve had a hard timing with the ego flare around month 6 when men realize I wasn’t kidding about never marrying or moving in again.

I’m the PP with the not-quite-boyfriend- I do know his kids and he knows mine. I’ll spend time with his kids on occasion and he will with mine as well. But no one is falling in love and no one is talking marriage.

Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.