Use marital therapy as the place to discuss your feelings, and his. Individual therapy for him.

Day to day, dont force anything. Esp anger because he needs to be punished. Think about kids, does shame and disappointment motivate?

I would be amazed if this marriage works out.

He is contrite now but soon he will feel resentful of you controlling the money. And you will feel resentful about having to check up on him like a child! I know I would.

Not a recipe for a happy or healthy partnership.

I’d cut your losses now.

Anonymous wrote:You are very controlling and have significant marital issues. This is the problem. He is rebeling against it. The tone of your writing is very condescending.

How did you not know where these things were coming from if they were family expenses?

+1 He is not your child. If the genders were reversed and a husband was talking about his wife like this, there would be an uproar.

You need to ask him why and how this happenened, ideally in therapy, and tell him you are counting on him to fix whatever caused this. Treating like a kept teenage boy for the rest of your life is sick and will not end well. Insisting that he act like an adult who takes responsibility might not end well either, but it’s the only way you have a shot at a real marriage.

Is DH in therapy? Sounds like he has compulsive behaviors he needs to work on

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I meant the relationship day-to-day. I'm not going to stomp around mad and act cold. We're going to have date nights. I've found it all too easy to slip back into normal happy home life even though I just found out a day or two ago about this crap. I'm not sure if that is healthy forgiveness, or being a sucker.

Like, let's say he had set the house on fire by doing something stupid. He's sorry, and I love him, but also what the hell is wrong with him? I don't know how to act.

I think it's a sign you have healthy perspective. It's a solvable problem and your marriage is not going to end because of this, so there is no use in devoting energy toward being angry. Your husband will feel your "punishment" in how you deal with the finances going forward. You're the type of person who won't give yourself a heart attack from unnecessary stress.

Anonymous wrote:Well, if he ran up debt on collectibles and lied about it...but you've known all along about his storage unit...then I'm not sure why you are so surprised?

On a positive note: he can sell the collectibles to pay off the card. You should not continue to accrue interest; you need to pay it off. Time for him to go online and post everything for sale until it's paid off. He can keep anything left after the debt is paid.

exactly that. and that would be his punishment - taking his toys away exactly the same way you would do with your kids.

Well, if he ran up debt on collectibles and lied about it...but you've known all along about his storage unit...then I'm not sure why you are so surprised?

On a positive note: he can sell the collectibles to pay off the card. You should not continue to accrue interest; you need to pay it off. Time for him to go online and post everything for sale until it's paid off. He can keep anything left after the debt is paid.