Anonymous wrote:I don't want to get into the relationship issues (I am livid) but it turns out DH has a large amount of credit card debt I didn't know about. He basically just spent and never opened the bills. He has cut up the card and agreed not to get another.

We could pay it off in one lump sum, but that would wipe out our joint account or else I would pay it out of my personal "mad money" that I was saving (he and I earn the same). I'm not sure I want to do either of those. I am thinking about having him transfer the balance to a 0% card and pay it off within 15 months. Any other options or advice?

if he knows the number or even has it stored online he can still shop with the card.

Anonymous wrote:It all comes down to trust. If you trust him and his reform, then you pay it off together as a married couple with shared finance. If you don't trust him, then you transfer the balance to a card in his own name and he has to pay it down himself.

Hell no.

It’s not about trust at all.

So, she’s been saving her discretionary money for a bigger purchase. He’s been spending his discretionary many AND more every month. If she pays his credit card debt it sets up the dynamic that he gets to spend ALL the couples fun money. That’s not a marital budget I would be comfortable with. It breeds resentment in addition to being ridiculous.

A zero interest credit card with automatic monthly payments means the family loses nothing financially. It makes a lot more sense for him to learn to live with less discretionary funds until the debt is paid off than for her to lose all of hers. Bonus, he learns to budget better. What’s next? Are they going to cut family vacation budget to fund his overspending? Kids college fund? Home renovations? Retirement accounts?

Being an adult means living within your means. If he wants to have unlimited fun money, he needs to get a much higher paying job. If he can’t do that, he needs to budget - like everyone else...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your money is your money. He racked up the bills, he pays for it. Don't be one of those women who help their men out at their own expense. Women need to be smart and not allow themselves to be manipulated.

This is dumb. You are married and are a partnership. Don't have separate bank accounts. If you can't share finances, perhaps you should not be together.

+1 When this is the other way around, I see women posting that he should help pay her debt. Now that it's a man doing it, he needs to take care of it on his own. I think they should pay it together but she should not do so until she gets to the bottom of what exactly he was buying. If we're talking 10 or 20k, what the heck is he spending that much on? How is he "hiding" his purchases? If everything turns out to be fine (ie: he's not cheating) then she should help him pay for the debt and they need to work on finances together.

I'm the original "don't be manipulated" PP. When my husband and I married, I was a poor grad student while his net worth is in the 7 figures. We actually signed a pre-nup saying that neither of us inherits or is obliged to pay the other person's debt. Like if I came into the marriage with student loans, why should he have to be responsible for them??? Good thing though that I went to college on a full-ride scholarship We are openly "what's mine is mine, yours is yours" and we are happily married. I much prefer transparency and boundaries as opposed to lofty ideals like "all couples should be able to share finances instead of protecting themselves".

It all comes down to trust. If you trust him and his reform, then you pay it off together as a married couple with shared finance. If you don't trust him, then you transfer the balance to a card in his own name and he has to pay it down himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that people aren't saying divorce. i would get a divorce over this before i would get one over a few minutes with some floozy, but that's me.

This. I could forgive an affair before this. Don’t eff with the money.

This. Hands down. I work too hard.

Anonymous wrote:Crazy how often there are posts like this and the fact that folks don’t seem to understand that marriage means that all debts (and assets) are shared. “Your” money is half his. “His” cc debt is half yours. With that in mind, id think long and hard about how to get him to behave and stop having financial secrets- first step would be monitoring his credit report on a monthly basis so you’d know if he opened any new accounts.

You are woefully incorrect. Assets brought to the marriage are not necessarily marital property. The same can be said for certain debt - not to mention pre-nups and post-nups that can define who gets/owes what. Oh, and I can tell you that money I inherited from my grandmother after I married is not a marital asset. And, just because one spouse, without knowledge of the other, incurred debt does not mean the couple has to treat that debt as 'marital debt'.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised that people aren't saying divorce. i would get a divorce over this before i would get one over a few minutes with some floozy, but that's me.

This. I could forgive an affair before this. Don’t eff with the money.

You guys are ridiculous. You realize a few minutes with a floozy could lead to a lifetime of financial payouts right?

That’s a sure way to eff up your family’s financial future. It would mess with the money much more than a secret credit card.

Don't pay it, and divorce him if it doesn't improve. You can still be together if you want, but don't let your finances be linked by marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your money is your money. He racked up the bills, he pays for it. Don't be one of those women who help their men out at their own expense. Women need to be smart and not allow themselves to be manipulated.

This is dumb. You are married and are a partnership. Don't have separate bank accounts. If you can't share finances, perhaps you should not be together.

It’s not about separate accounts. From her description I took it to mean that they each designated a set amount per month for fun money. In addition to spending his, he also ran up credit card debt! She’s been saving hers. It makes no sense for her to wipe out her discretionary savings to fund his irresponsibility.

Getting a zero interest card and transferring the balance is a good idea. He can make automatic payments AND learn to live with less discretionary money every month.

Crazy how often there are posts like this and the fact that folks don’t seem to understand that marriage means that all debts (and assets) are shared. “Your” money is half his. “His” cc debt is half yours. With that in mind, id think long and hard about how to get him to behave and stop having financial secrets- first step would be monitoring his credit report on a monthly basis so you’d know if he opened any new accounts.

I had quite a bit of cc debt when dh and I got married due to poor past relationship choices and some medical debt. I worked two jobs until it was paid off. Make him do something extra instead of just paying it off for him..

My husband did this and still hasnt shown me the statements. If he weren't also unemployed, I'd seriously consider divorce. I just don't want to be paying alimony on top of his cc bill. He had only been paying the minimum, which is why I don't think of the cc payment coming from out joint. He told me that he was just charging lunch.