Anonymous wrote:It seems like a self reinforcing cycle between OP and DH.

Op- you are keeping you vulnerability and emotions from him because you fear his judgement and his anxiety. This in turn makes him into an even bigger worry wot.

You should recognize that his anxiety comes out of his care and love for you. The worst case scenario - no matter- how absurd is him trying to protect you (and himself). If you are able to both indulge yourself and his fears with him it will be better for both of you.

Sounds like OP resents being told what to do or bad things that can happen so she shuts DH out which makes him even more anxious.

Yes and no. I do confide in him but I have more meaningful and more deeply emotional conversations with friends. This is a lesson that I actually feel was important to learn. We have a great marriage. He’s just not my only emotional outlet.

Anonymous wrote:You woman-babies should learn to be strong and independent! It is not your husband's job to coddle you like a whimpering child who needs a boo-boo kiss!

Agreed

Anonymous wrote:Not really. His immediate response to any difficulty in my life is "what are you doing about it?"

+1
If I share a problem he either dismisses it or gets even more worried about finding an instant solution. He just doesn’t know how to listen but I understand that about him. If it’s really necessary I tell him I just need him to listen and not get on me about something he will.

Anonymous wrote:I used to, but I stopped when he would use my weaknesses against me. He likes to deny all feelings, including his own. If women are emotional creatures and we can't get emotional support from our husbands, what good are they? This is why women wind up liking money. They can get financial support easier than emotional support.

This is a great point! Are you still married? What keeps you together - better lifestyle? I ask in sincerity and with no judgment about that choice - I am in a similar boat and I provide emotional support to my husband AND money.

No, he's made it clear he has no interest. But he doesn't like the cost of therapy and doesn't want me to talk to friends/family because God forbid people think we are less than perfect.

Agree with PP that all men are really good for is their money, at this point it's all I get out of marriage. So now when I'm feeling down I just go buy something.

I used to, but I stopped when he would use my weaknesses against me. He likes to deny all feelings, including his own. If women are emotional creatures and we can't get emotional support from our husbands, what good are they? This is why women wind up liking money. They can get financial support easier than emotional support.

Anonymous wrote:No, and actually our relationship got better when I dropped all expectations. I had two really bad situations come up - death of parent, estrangement from sibling - and he was so piss poor in even just acknowledging the pain I was in that it was sort of a joke. Not only did he not acknowledge it, he made it worse by piling on. Now I know not to expect jack from him in that regard, and I go to other people for support. I love him for other reasons that don't involve that. (And no, not his money for any troll who thinks that's the reason. I out-earn him.)

Op here - real question - what are those other reasons? What is the glue of your marriage? Because in my marriage, the lack of support is a huge gaping hole, and there are not many other things that compensate for that lack

I am your DH. Currently he is mad at me because I was not empathetic enough when he experienced a career disappointment. He says I'm missing an empathy chip. You know, I try, but he says I say and do the wrong things, so apparently I am supposed to know what he wants without him saying. Which makes me not want to try, because we always end up in a fight about it.

No, and actually our relationship got better when I dropped all expectations. I had two really bad situations come up - death of parent, estrangement from sibling - and he was so piss poor in even just acknowledging the pain I was in that it was sort of a joke. Not only did he not acknowledge it, he made it worse by piling on. Now I know not to expect jack from him in that regard, and I go to other people for support. I love him for other reasons that don't involve that. (And no, not his money for any troll who thinks that's the reason. I out-earn him.)

OP here - thanks for the feedback. Reading some of these responses has clarified a few things for me too - like that DH can't handle his own emotions, so it's not just that there isn't support for me, but that his anxiety / responses load onto my burden.

I am not clinically depressed - and I have worked to get to a better place independent of DH - in fact almost in spite of him. At times, he has been critical of my efforts - criticizing the books I've been reading, and complaining about the expense of therapy. But he seems to be blind to the fact that I had drinking and eating too much to cope. He also has been critical of me spending time with friends independent of him.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you expect him to accommodate your depression, but you cannot accommodate his anxiety.

That is an interesting comment - no, I am not asking him to accommodate my depression. I have dealt with my depression independent of him. I am not clinically depressed - it has been situational, and in large part because of this relationship. His anxiety permeates his life and relationships beyond me, and he has not sought out outside help - therpay, medication, self-help books, other friends, etc.

it's hard not to be sad when you're husband is incapable of empathy.

Not really. I have friends for that. I have a therapist I go to a few times a year.

They can't be your everything.

You woman-babies should learn to be strong and independent! It is not your husband's job to coddle you like a whimpering child who needs a boo-boo kiss!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but sometimes I have to tell him what I need from him. Like, please just listen so I can get this off my chest. Or, when you pile on when I complain, I know you're trying to commiserate, but it makes me feel worse.

I do struggle with depression, and for that I go to a therapist and use medication - that's a medical condition that I use professionals to treat. He'll talk to me about it if I want to, but to listen, not treat.

This. My DH has a tendency to want to strategize on how to solve the problem, or think about it logically. That's helpful at some point, but usually, I just say that i want a hug and need to just sit with it for a while.

He doesn't want to validate your moping.