Anonymous wrote:If "friends" (frenemies) are few and far between, your daughter can tell the friend, honestly, that "My feelings are hurt that you didn't invite me to your birthday party." And then, depending on the response, "Let's celebrate separately sometime." To try to find a slender silver lining: The "cool" kids may indeed be into things that would make your DD uncomfortable. My daughter was excluded from THE birthday party for a girl she's known since kindergarten because the party was an King's Dominion; my daughter is scared of roller coasters, and there were boys in the mix (I think there was a cap on the number of kids the parents wanted to invite). Anyway, the birthday girl later invited my daughter to a sleepover, privately. Happiness, of a sort.
My heart goes out to all those excluded, for "good" (understandable) reasons, and bad.

Yes maybe she should ask. It may be awkward but it can’t be any more awkward than her thinking her best friend excluded her. She can do it in a calm polite way but being direct. Sometimes that’s best.

I'm so sorry OP.

My daughter hasn't gotten to this point yet - I know she was excluded from a couple of birthday parties this year (she's 12) but it didn't seem to faze her b/c she'd been growing away from some of those girls.

Would your daughter be comfortable talking to her "friend"? I know we've all been brought up not to have that sort of conversation (i.e. - it's not polite), but this is different IMO.

I wouldn't force the issue, but if she's open to it, I'd role play with her. It's good for her to learn to stand up for herself and not be afraid of conflict when it's warranted.

Just my $.02

^^ to make new friends^^

1. Sorry DD, she isn't your best friend. In fact, she isn't a friend at all.

2. Friendships can suddenly fall apart, that's life. Having a bad friend teaches you to value the good ones.

3. Join an activity to make to friends.

4. Don't bring this topic up with your DD; let her bring it up with you. A mother's words carry enormous power. Your attempt to help can instead sound like "what's wrong with you?" if you pry too much.

OMG. So many of you are worse than teenagers. OP, I was blown off by my best friend in a cruel way at age 13 or so. It sucked, I cried a lot, and it would have helped if my parents had normalized the experience for me (sorry that happened, even friends make mistakes, relationships change) and encouraged me (she is the one making a mistake, this happens to lots of people and you will find your group again). I did recover and did find new wonderful friends. By senior year in high school previous best friend was hanging out with some people in my "friend group", and by the end of the year we were friends again, though not close.

Moving on through college and adulthood she has been one of my most cherished friends. We never talked specifically about the "break up" other than she did mention the period of her life when she was trying very hard to fit into the popular group as being her unhappiest. I never relished hearing that, never felt smug or that she got her due karma. I felt badly for her, because growing up is hard.

The adults on here hoping this girl will suffer one day are a-holes. Do not model them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (15) dd's "best friend" didn't invite dd to her birthday party. She did invote all the "cool" kids who up until about a month ago couldn't be bothered to give the birthday girl the time of day.
I'm heartbroken for dd. DD has bent over backwards to be a good friend to this kid and I feel so bad for dd. What do I say to dd?
What I want to say is not the adult thing to say!
Help.

OP, where is the party taking place? Just curious about where teens go these days.. Someone's house?

For girls, there are typically two types of birthday parties in high school. There’s the sneak the alcohol into her basement and hang out type, and there’s the dress up and go out to dinner type.

Lots of girls do this in the HS years...ditch longtime genuine friendships to try to squeeze in with the popular crowd. My dd’s two best friends did the same thing, and it pretty much failed. As seniors, the girls each have only one or two friends left and they’re struggling with being excluded by the kids they tried so hard to hangout with.

Girls can be awful, and unfortunately many girls are taught by their mothers to use people to gain status and access things. Befriend the girl with a beach house, befriend that guy because he’ll get you into parties, make sure you fawn all over this guy junior year to make sure you get invited to the ski trip all the cool kids will take...its awful to watch these girls struggle to keep their Instagram feed hopping while they actually have no one to turn to when real problems come up (which is the only time my dd hears from her two old friends). She’s looking forward to college and getting away from this nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:The friend needs lots of hand-holding. So dd helps her study or will go with her to a party that the friend really wants to go to or dd will call me to pick up the kid when mom has kicked her out of the house because they are fighting. The girls are always on their phones with each other and dd is the phone call when the boy who girl likes doesn’t like her back. Just good friend stuff. This friend also calls dd her besti but clearly it means something different to her.
And actually dd has had her back when stuff isn’t great at school but that is more about going with her to talk to a teacher if there is a problem. I wouldn’t say the cool kids bullied her they just weren’t friends so she was not invited to their parties .
They have been friends for 3+ yrs . There are a bunch of new kids because it is an expansion year. Some of those kids were invited .

Would your DD be tempted to slip back into doing all this (most of this? some of this?) for the girl?

If "friends" (frenemies) are few and far between, your daughter can tell the friend, honestly, that "My feelings are hurt that you didn't invite me to your birthday party." And then, depending on the response, "Let's celebrate separately sometime." To try to find a slender silver lining: The "cool" kids may indeed be into things that would make your DD uncomfortable. My daughter was excluded from THE birthday party for a girl she's known since kindergarten because the party was an King's Dominion; my daughter is scared of roller coasters, and there were boys in the mix (I think there was a cap on the number of kids the parents wanted to invite). Anyway, the birthday girl later invited my daughter to a sleepover, privately. Happiness, of a sort.
My heart goes out to all those excluded, for "good" (understandable) reasons, and bad.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, where is the party taking place? Just curious about where teens go these days.. Someone's house?

Maybe start your own thread? If you recall, OP's DD was NOT INVITED, so perhaps this isn't the place to discuss party planning ideas.

Anonymous wrote:My (15) dd's "best friend" didn't invite dd to her birthday party. She did invote all the "cool" kids who up until about a month ago couldn't be bothered to give the birthday girl the time of day.
I'm heartbroken for dd. DD has bent over backwards to be a good friend to this kid and I feel so bad for dd. What do I say to dd?
What I want to say is not the adult thing to say!
Help.

OP, where is the party taking place? Just curious about where teens go these days.. Someone's house?

Anonymous wrote:OP- some people are just users. This girl doesn't appreciate how nice and kind your DD is and dropped her in a hot second as soon as the "cool girls" showed an interest in having her in their crowd. I will lay money that one of the "cool girls" said something disparaging about your DD and her so called friend gave into peer pressure and didn't invite her.
She'll have all kinds of lame excuses, but the fact is that your DD is a convenient person who is a "bestie" when she's providing what is needed/wanted- but it is not reciprocated and as soon as something better comes along this friend will move on.
I would be super clear on this point to your DD- if she thinks there is a rationale for people treating her like crap, she will continue to allow it. She needs to drop this friend, and the simple explanation if the friend asks is that friendships are a two-way street and your DD respects herself enough to expect real friendships- not fake friends.

OP, pp here again, I know this sounds harsh, but people who think this way, and learn to expect as much out as they put in, are happier and don't waste time on crummy people and dead end relationships. They don't make excuses again and again for selfish people. It's a lesson that we all could have (and some hopefully did) at a young age.

OP- some people are just users. This girl doesn't appreciate how nice and kind your DD is and dropped her in a hot second as soon as the "cool girls" showed an interest in having her in their crowd. I will lay money that one of the "cool girls" said something disparaging about your DD and her so called friend gave into peer pressure and didn't invite her.
She'll have all kinds of lame excuses, but the fact is that your DD is a convenient person who is a "bestie" when she's providing what is needed/wanted- but it is not reciprocated and as soon as something better comes along this friend will move on.
I would be super clear on this point to your DD- if she thinks there is a rationale for people treating her like crap, she will continue to allow it. She needs to drop this friend, and the simple explanation if the friend asks is that friendships are a two-way street and your DD respects herself enough to expect real friendships- not fake friends.

It's always hard to realize that a relationship is one-sided, whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship.

Your daughter just got a clear signal, which might actually be easier than the gradual, painful alternative. If the friend hasn't been equally supportive and available, it might have taken a long time for her to realize that she was putting far more in than she was getting out.

Help her find a positive way to move on, and she'll be able to do it on her own, and sooner, the next time she finds herself in a similar position.

But one thing to consider: any chance the friend might have thought she was doing your daughter a favor by not inviting her? Could the "cool" kids be into stuff yours would be uncomfortable with? Or maybe they're not very kind, and might have been mean or rude to her? I'd hope she'd say something ahead of time, but it's not impossible there might be an actual explanation, even a lame one, if DD were to point-blank ask why the girl didn't invite her so-called "bestie."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My (15) dd's "best friend" didn't invite dd to her birthday party. She did invote all the "cool" kids who up until about a month ago couldn't be bothered to give the birthday girl the time of day.
I'm heartbroken for dd. DD has bent over backwards to be a good friend to this kid and I feel so bad for dd. What do I say to dd?
What I want to say is not the adult thing to say!
Help.

What does this mean? Did she stand up for her when the other girls excluded/bullied her? Did your DD & the other girl just start a school with lots of new classmates (at a public high school that has several middle schools feeding into it, for example, or as ninth graders at a K-12 private school)?

The friend needs lots of hand-holding. So dd helps her study or will go with her to a party that the friend really wants to go to or dd will call me to pick up the kid when mom has kicked her out of the house because they are fighting. The girls are always on their phones with each other and dd is the phone call when the boy who girl likes doesn’t like her back. Just good friend stuff. This friend also calls dd her besti but clearly it means something different to her.
And actually dd has had her back when stuff isn’t great at school but that is more about going with her to talk to a teacher if there is a problem. I wouldn’t say the cool kids bullied her they just weren’t friends so she was not invited to their parties .
They have been friends for 3+ yrs . There are a bunch of new kids because it is an expansion year. Some of those kids were invited .

I agree with the other posters on there advice but this also a really good lesson for your DD. What you describe is a situation where your DD set herself up to feel like she was the only one who could "save" this friend and that's just not true. Maybe the friend finally got herself together and realized she didn't need anyone else and maybe she is a user but either way your DD should reflect a bit on her own behavior so she doesn't get stuck in a cycle. Not right now, but in the next couple weeks, you might want to discuss with her what a "savior complex" looks like and how everyone falls into that trap now and then but it's not a good place to be and she should learn to recognize it so that she can stop herself.