Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not get a nanny, au pair or even a housekeeper? That would be cheaper than having your dh quit his job.

I can't imagine asking parents to do more because you want to work more. I do think Asian grandparents think this way, but I've never seen it in white families. Hell, most of my friends don't even get postpartum help or help during cancer treatments from their extended family, let alone because they want to go for law firm partner.

Lol, I had the same thought. My kids are older, but when they were young and my parents lived nearby (about a 45 minute drive) they would watch my kids once a year for a couple hours so Dh and I could go out to dinner.

Once a year.
For 2-3 hours.

I can't imagine asking them to GIVE UP THEIR CAREER and financial security for retirement, so I could get free childcare full time. Wow.

Same. My parents are early retirees and have never watched our child ever, and he is almost three. They worked hard so they could retire young and enjoy extended travel. I would never expect that they owe me any childcare, much less retire early or use their retirement to watch my child.

Get a nanny or share. The time off situation only gets worse once they are in school, with frequent breaks, all the snow days, half days with little notice and holidays.

My SIL asked her mom to serve as her nanny for several years and it really helped my SIL's career. Her mom is healthy and was able to manage both after school activities, laundry and doctor's appointments. My SIL and her husband never take off from work for the random sick doctors visit. Her mom truly was an outsourced stay-at-home-mom. I have a nanny who is great but I still have to keep track of everything in a way that my SIL doesn't have to do. Unfortunately my mom isn't healthy so I don't have this option.

OP, with your salaries I think you ought to consider a nanny. We have one and she is amazing. Since the kids are in school (we thought we'd be done with a nanny by this point but we can't imagine life without her), she helps with a ton of stuff around the house, kind of like a house manager. We pay her full-time even though she doesn't work all day, which means that snow days, sick days, emergency pick-ups, etc. aren't an issue. She's our work at home spouse, essentially. Yes, either my husband or I could give up our career and do all of that instead, but we like working. If your husband likes his job, then he might be willing to put his salary to solve the childcare problem rather than staying at home. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him to find a new solution to your problem, but I'd come at it as can you spend your money on something that would make life easier OR would he be willing to "daddy track (?)" his career. But it seems like him stepping back at work is only one possible solution, and if he isn't into it, I think you should have other options.

For me, I wouldn't ask either of our parents to retire early but that's because I think it's easier to pay a third party to do that kind of stuff than to have family because it just gets messy.

I did not ask DH to quit job but our promotion schedules were such that his clock was much longer than mine. So during the intensive stage for me (close to promotion, two young kids), he essentially flexed his time and handled pick up/ drop off, cooking, laundry, etc. The cooking and laundry he has had periodic help with from nannies and my mother. Current nanny does laundry during the week and preps for cooking so it’s just 10 min when we get home. My mother has also stayed for months on time when baby is born — she doesn’t do infant care but she cooks a lot and does laundry. Those were pretty intensive years for me with pregnancy, breastfeeding (nursed for ~1.5 years with both), and all the research of child development, getting the kids what they needed for their different stages, finding childcare, etc. So I was grateful that he could step up on the day to day.

Now we are transitioning out of this stage and if my promotion goes as expected, I’ll have the seniority next year to flex and cover for him in the same way. His mom had a high level career, eventually earning more than his father (who was a physician and a consultant), so he is the one who initiated many of the conversations and changes. He says we should think strategically for the family as a whole and always encouraged me to follow my passions, saying that the kids would need me for more than just these years. I would say probably I’m less gungho than his mom so I have chosen to give up career opportunities to be with the kids when I can. I am home by 4 or 5 and work after they sleep.

As for my mom, she helped because it’s cultural. She saw it as her role. However she is in a different stage of her life where she wants to do her own thing so naturally at times we needed help and she could not come. I don’t think it is the kind of thing you can expect or ask from your parents once they are done raising you, although I understand how nice it would be to have grandparents in town who take over the house. I do see that sometimes around here (mostly Asian families or Hispanic).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not get a nanny, au pair or even a housekeeper? That would be cheaper than having your dh quit his job.

I can't imagine asking parents to do more because you want to work more. I do think Asian grandparents think this way, but I've never seen it in white families. Hell, most of my friends don't even get postpartum help or help during cancer treatments from their extended family, let alone because they want to go for law firm partner.

I've seen this in white families but it's more a working class thing. Generally the parents and grandparents are both on the younger side and the parents often live with or next door to the grandparents. No one in these families moves for college or jobs.

+1. Almost all the grandparents in my parents' neighborhood watch their grandkids--it's a religious area, and the grandparents tend to be youngish (like 50s) and the grandmothers used to be SAHMs. Children and grandchildren tend to stay near home.

My parents are the exception because I moved away and had kids later.

I would never expect grandparents to change their lifestyle to help my family, either to further a career or to maintain the status quo. I have a sibling who expects a lot from my mom and I see it was a train wreck waiting to happen. At some point my mom is not going to be able to keep up and/or she's going to become unhappy. When this happens my sibling's life is going to get very difficult because they are 100% dependent on the help they receive from my mom. I'm of the position that family help is nice, but never should be expected. For significant assistance, you should be paying somebody.

Anonymous wrote:Why not get a nanny, au pair or even a housekeeper? That would be cheaper than having your dh quit his job.

I can't imagine asking parents to do more because you want to work more. I do think Asian grandparents think this way, but I've never seen it in white families. Hell, most of my friends don't even get postpartum help or help during cancer treatments from their extended family, let alone because they want to go for law firm partner.

I've seen this in white families but it's more a working class thing. Generally the parents and grandparents are both on the younger side and the parents often live with or next door to the grandparents. No one in these families moves for college or jobs.

I mommy tracked myself and moved near my parents. It takes a village lol!

I would love to but Grandparents all retired and are unwilling to move (all live thousands of miles away). Husband is a surgeon and can't handle sick days or snow days ever.

I am in a very part time, low paying job so I can handle these plus all drop offs and picks ups.

We only have 1 kid and can't have more. Having an au pair or a full-time nanny seems like a waste of money/annoyance given the fact that our child is in elementary school and we only need the backup help for sick days or snow days.