Anonymous wrote:OP back, appreciate these replies. For those wondering why I'm crowd-sourcing this, it's mostly out of curiosity. I'm confident in making my own choices, but it's always curious to read the typical DCUM vitriol/strong opinions about things like rings, weddings, etc. (see the thread where the OP doesn't like her ring and is fairly lambasted to "buy your own ring!!"). I've made some admittedly non-traditional choices, but some traditional milestones are important to me, regardless of our age or my particular path.

The route I took with my job, financial independence, and parenting, had largely to do with my own upbringing. I mentioned I'm from a successful blended family...now. But the the creation of that family involved a fairly traumatic divorce. Everyone's grown and (I really believe) pretty healthy now, but as a young woman the message I got was that marriage was an unsafe place for women. I vowed never to depend on a man for money or security.

Now that I'm older and more mature, I still don't need a man for those purposes, but I want a partner and I want to model a healthy relationship for my DD. I'm a good parent but frankly she needs more than just me. This man is a good one. I trust him and believe in his ethics and his intent. Plus he makes me laugh and really, really loves me.

I don't want to forgo some of the traditional things I want to do (i.e. an engagement ring) but we are both saving for college for our daughters, our retirement, etc, and we're not in our 20's. Anyway appreciate the responses.

I'd definitely look at non-traditional rings, then. Ruby or sapphire (because they are hard and good for daily wear), and/or vintage. Cost less and more unique.

OP back, appreciate these replies. For those wondering why I'm crowd-sourcing this, it's mostly out of curiosity. I'm confident in making my own choices, but it's always curious to read the typical DCUM vitriol/strong opinions about things like rings, weddings, etc. (see the thread where the OP doesn't like her ring and is fairly lambasted to "buy your own ring!!"). I've made some admittedly non-traditional choices, but some traditional milestones are important to me, regardless of our age or my particular path.

The route I took with my job, financial independence, and parenting, had largely to do with my own upbringing. I mentioned I'm from a successful blended family...now. But the the creation of that family involved a fairly traumatic divorce. Everyone's grown and (I really believe) pretty healthy now, but as a young woman the message I got was that marriage was an unsafe place for women. I vowed never to depend on a man for money or security.

Now that I'm older and more mature, I still don't need a man for those purposes, but I want a partner and I want to model a healthy relationship for my DD. I'm a good parent but frankly she needs more than just me. This man is a good one. I trust him and believe in his ethics and his intent. Plus he makes me laugh and really, really loves me.

I don't want to forgo some of the traditional things I want to do (i.e. an engagement ring) but we are both saving for college for our daughters, our retirement, etc, and we're not in our 20's. Anyway appreciate the responses.

Eh, I'd say skip the engagement ring and go straight to wedding bands. You can buy your daughter a ring with your money whenever you want.

Why are you making plans for the future of the ring?
Remember he failed at marriage before....

man pays. man always pays.

I have a ruby that is over 1 carat and it was probably around $7,000. I also thought about doing semi-precious stones as yet a further step down from sapphires. I'm tall and have relatively large hands, so I like a slightly bigger stone but I don't like spending all the money. But anyway, I think your approach is fine. Congratulations.

Way overthinking this.

...he and I are both the primary breadwinners for our respective families.

What does this mean? Is he still married?

It makes total sense. Personal story: My husband picked out the ring, but we went ring shopping together first, so I could try things on and give feedback about what I liked and didn't like. Then, he chose a ring, and paid for it. I bought him a nice watch as an engagement present. It felt like a nice balance of romantic and practical.

Also, I preferred a non-diamond ring. I really like sapphires and thought they looked much better on my hand than diamonds. As a bonus, you can get a bigger stone for less money than the same size of diamond. Consider a sapphire or ruby center stone. (Sapphires actually come in many different colors, so you're not stuck with blue or red.)

Seems reasonable to me, especially if you want your daughter to have the ring eventually. (Although, not every child wants the same thing her parent wants, so be sure to discuss that with DD first.)

FWIW, I love the look of ruby and sapphire rings (but I wouldn’t go for a softer stone for daily wear). Also, vintage rings are a great way to save. Even if you don’t love the original design, you can always reset the stone, reclaim the metal. It’s environmentally friendly too.

Depending on how you feel about a wedding, you can do my breakdown:

15k- watch for him (paid by me)

15k- rockin' non traditional ring for me (he pays)

20k- elopement and amazing 3 week vacation.

Total: Under the 60k wedding budget.

As long as it makes sense to you, you do you. It sounds like you are mature, independent and none traditional woman so not sure why you feel the need to crowd source your decision about the e-ring.

When I was very young I went with a friend to pick out her wedding band...it was a $20 silver ring and I swore to myself I would never want it to go down like that.

Then I was getting married, and still thought it had to be all traditional. Splurge on good jewelry and all.

Now, I still love my husband (and my rings) but I realize how totally silly it was. My rings are beautiful but it really is about what it represents. I could have bought something like my friend did for $20 and been fine with it in the end. I'm not even a jewelry person.

Spend what and how you feel comfortable. It not about the purchase, it's about the marriage, and a symbol of it to wear if you choose.

Anonymous wrote:Couples buy rings together all the time so nbd. I make jewelry and I can assure you diamonds are pretty but definitely one of the biggest lies ever. Btw, none of the girls will hold any real value towards that ring by the time you decide to gift it. If you already have the mindset that “your” child should have any preference for things from this marriage, I would hold off on marrying until you rework through some of those issues.

+1, exactly.

I bought it myself from our joint acct....on our 10 year anniversary. Finally found a lovely vintage ring I wanted. Otherwise we just had bands