Hire tons more outside help.

If you stop engaging your DH in family activities you will end up with a mess of a depressed/ anxious husband which won’t be good for anyone in the family. What would be the point of that?

OP - It sounds like your big money husband needs to spend some time on finding a psychiatrist who might work with him to adjust medications to help alleviate what appears to be depression. Does he have any self awareness of what kins of things help motivate him or reduce his anxiety level. Say this having an adult daughter who needs physical exercise daily to keep her emotional balance. ALso can you get regular help with the kids to have time weekly to just do something you and DH would both enjoy or every other week. It sounds as if you both coukd benefit from couples therapy where perhaps with a neutral party, you both could share what your expectations are. Perhaps a little behavior change and acceptance on both parts could bring a better balance.

I have a very similar situation.
And yes, I have pretty much given up trying to cajole him.
It is totally baffling to me how he can come home from 5 nights of work travel and still not want to do something with the kids. He does things that he likes with them - select specific activities, fairly rare. But they look forward to them, and they certainly don’t feel like he’ doesn’t love them. But he is definitely a workaholic - a very high earner but obsessed with work. Even on vacation he works much of the day. He also prioritizes his own hobbies - about 6 -& hours a week doing that, and he works out every day.

I have outsourced everything (Ckeaning, laundry, cooking, lawn, errands, some driving) and I went part time at my job. I’m a lawyer - I think I can go full time pretty easily if I need to make that change.

Divorce isn’t really on the table. I just can’t do that to the kids. And I don’t want to split time. We do date nights and have fun nights with friends. It’s not a great marriage but we are kind of just muddling through.
But I quite literally can’t ask him to do anything. It totally sucks. I have used task rabbit to hang framed photos. (Yes I know I can do this myself but I am stretched very thin.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should spend more money on outside help.

I do NOT think you should amp down your own career to pick up DH's job on the parenting share, unless maybe your negotiate a very good post nup with him. Rather, pay others to do as much as possible.

I wouldn't fully opt out but do something more like part time consulting. I would not give up the ability to financially support myself / kids if needed. My current job involves some evening events and travel (though not nearly as much as DH)- ideally DH and I would share providing stability at home on a day to day basis so that the kids found security and the sense of family with us both. But I really want at least one parent eating dinner with the kids basically every night / putting them to bed / being the one they wake up to etc and if he's not going to step up and jointly provide it then I need to make sure my schedule allows me to be the one they can always count on (vs us jointly).

Agree, being a SAHW for a spouse who is ungrateful, unappreciative, and unthankful is the pits. And that can be due to his hyper focus on work or due to his general cluelessness. Don't do it.

Anonymous wrote:I'd sit him down and have him read this post. As long as he's aware that you feel this way I think it's totally fine.

After you fail to remind him a few times he will either step up to the plate or not.

I have done this previously to some extent. My husband is better now that our kids are older, but when they were younger it saved my sanity.

I'd be tempted to try this since unlike my workaholic husband, yours doesn't also have ADHD like mine. So it really is a 3rd child who forgets things, comes home sapped of energy, is constantly distracted, and argues when he messes stuff up.

But generally, you and him both have to be OK with him being a tag-along spouse, always trying to keep up. Obama's had the same dynamic, Barak was left in the dust on the homefront, girls, school, vacations, etc. in order to focus on work in Chicago and later in DC.

Make sure your kids have their heads screwed on straight.

NP, and I think your plan is fine. Why is the new view of parenting about everyone doing everything together all the time. Very inefficient, in my book. I also think you will find him stepping up more as they get older - my similar DH did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea that your kids will not suffer because of your DHs issues is insane. Divorce or not he is not a present father and that will have ramifications.

While they'd ideally have a more day to day engaged dad, I don't think they will "suffer". He can be a super fun dad and in an emergency he'd go to the end of the earth for him. In the day to day he's happy to leave the day to day monotony to someone else. I grew up with a dad kind of like him, he would take me on long bike rides on the weekends, and in general be fun and loving for chunks of weekend time and not part of week-day life, I knew he was "there" for me etc....but I got all of my day to day needs and security from my mom. I honestly think at the end of the day my dad is the only one that suffered from it, I know he loves and supports me but I will never be as close to him as I am with my mom and I think he's a bit lonely now that he is retired and has time for family but doesn't have the very close connection. So yes my life could have been a little better if I had a deeper emotional connection with my dad, but childhood was still really good b/c all of my emotional / logistical / security etc needs were still met by my mom and a lot of happy kids have family dynamics like that.

Uh, you married your dad. That is the ramification of having a DH like yours. Do you want your kids to think that is the best example of a father? He wants to sleep in instead of spend time with his kids? You basically have repeated the same mistake because you were conditioned to think this is how it’s supposed to be.

ok and here I am - given I can't force him to change what would you suggest? Continue cajoling him all the time? Give up on that and just leave it to him to do what he wants? Divorce? Something I'm not thinking of?

Anonymous wrote:This is all terrible. To think your kids don't see exactly what he is doing it ridiculous. It is damaging to them. Sleeping is more important to him then them. OUCH.

Sure you can say you can fill in the gap but nothing is more damaging to children than a neglectful parent....and the other parent who allows it to happen.

Eh, I'm one of the PPs that has had the same experience - there are two of us, apparently.

Anyway, I'm the one that said the kids love their father - and they do. They don't feel neglected and they sure as heck don't remember when he dropped the ball when they were babies and toddlers.

In a way, it surprised me a little, but at the end of the day I'd rather them be happy then carrying around my resentment.

To the OP, he started getting better about engaging around age 6, which isn't to say he was never there previously. They could just do more at that age that he could relate to I guess.

Anonymous wrote:I'd sit him down and have him read this post. As long as he's aware that you feel this way I think it's totally fine.

After you fail to remind him a few times he will either step up to the plate or not.

I have done this previously to some extent. My husband is better now that our kids are older, but when they were younger it saved my sanity.

I think I'd do the same. There's nothing wrong with your plan per se but he deserves to know he's going to need to be pulling his own weight to be motivated to pull his own weight. If you are making a conscious decision it seems fair and right and good for everyone for him to have the same chance.

And I don't blame you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea that your kids will not suffer because of your DHs issues is insane. Divorce or not he is not a present father and that will have ramifications.

While they'd ideally have a more day to day engaged dad, I don't think they will "suffer". He can be a super fun dad and in an emergency he'd go to the end of the earth for him. In the day to day he's happy to leave the day to day monotony to someone else. I grew up with a dad kind of like him, he would take me on long bike rides on the weekends, and in general be fun and loving for chunks of weekend time and not part of week-day life, I knew he was "there" for me etc....but I got all of my day to day needs and security from my mom. I honestly think at the end of the day my dad is the only one that suffered from it, I know he loves and supports me but I will never be as close to him as I am with my mom and I think he's a bit lonely now that he is retired and has time for family but doesn't have the very close connection. So yes my life could have been a little better if I had a deeper emotional connection with my dad, but childhood was still really good b/c all of my emotional / logistical / security etc needs were still met by my mom and a lot of happy kids have family dynamics like that.

Uh, you married your dad. That is the ramification of having a DH like yours. Do you want your kids to think that is the best example of a father? He wants to sleep in instead of spend time with his kids? You basically have repeated the same mistake because you were conditioned to think this is how it’s supposed to be.

This is all terrible. To think your kids don't see exactly what he is doing it ridiculous. It is damaging to them. Sleeping is more important to him then them. OUCH.

Sure you can say you can fill in the gap but nothing is more damaging to children than a neglectful parent....and the other parent who allows it to happen.

Anonymous wrote:How much is this “big salary.” My response depends upon the answer.

Big (I know, poor me - so many people on DCUM seem to think that if your spouse makes money you must be fulfilled b/c clearly all women want is the money). I did not marry him for a lifestyle and we live incredibly below our means (standard house for the area, most vacations are spent visiting family or renting a modest cabin or beach house with my sister's family, no country club / nice clothes / fancy cars / expensive home decor etc and no interest in them), we save about 80% of what we make a year and no part of me feels like we "need" the level money he makes. Logically I appreciate that he has given us a lot of financial security but that box is checked and from my perspective our family doesn't need more money than the savings we have and what I make a year.

I thought this was a Disney thread. *backs out quietly...*

How much is this “big salary.” My response depends upon the answer.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should spend more money on outside help.

I do NOT think you should amp down your own career to pick up DH's job on the parenting share, unless maybe your negotiate a very good post nup with him. Rather, pay others to do as much as possible.

I wouldn't fully opt out but do something more like part time consulting. I would not give up the ability to financially support myself / kids if needed. My current job involves some evening events and travel (though not nearly as much as DH)- ideally DH and I would share providing stability at home on a day to day basis so that the kids found security and the sense of family with us both. But I really want at least one parent eating dinner with the kids basically every night / putting them to bed / being the one they wake up to etc and if he's not going to step up and jointly provide it then I need to make sure my schedule allows me to be the one they can always count on (vs us jointly).