These are all very thoughtful and challenging questions. I would recommend you check out a new podcast series, Their Own Devices.

Description
No matter how tech savvy you are, your kids likely have you beat. Digital natives see the world in a fundamentally different way than all previous generations. This makes 21st century parenting an unprecedented challenge. Join Marc Groman, an Obama White House tech and privacy adviser, and David Reitman, an adolescent medical doctor, for candid discussions and helpful tips about screen time, social media, sexting, privacy, online gaming, and other challenges facing parents today.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/their-own-devices/id1441131937?mt=2

Anonymous wrote:NP here whose 13 year old will soon get an Iphone in preparation for high school. What are tried and tested rules/apps that have worked for parents? Thanks.

I got my DS one last summer after he turned 13. He has to charge it in my room at night. His school makes the students turn off their phones during the day and place them in their homeroom teacher's phone box. They can pick them up at dismissal. I told him it is my phone (I am paying for it) and I pay for the service/data so I can look at it whenever I want. I occasionally look at it and once I had to take it away because of some crass texts between him and his friend. He isn't interested in social media so far. His PlayStation is more of an issue than the phone.

I also lock my DS phone down with software. I use Screentime in IOS12 and Ourimpact to lock and unlock the phone at will. I also setup the phone up to be a child account under mine. All apps have to be approved before they can be installed. Only drawback is if I had approved an app but want to now remove it, I cant. The app store allows the app to be reinstalled since it was previously approved. This is how he was given the phone so there isnt much fighting about it because it has always been restricted, to begin with.

It’s awful!

Parents who aren’t watching make me mad. Approach one and they will bite off your head. There are consequences to these behaviors so don’t be mad at anyone but your kid when school calls. Athletes have lost scholarships they’ve already been given given because of social media posts. It happens every year and it’s just too darn bad. Parents, we have to parent no matter how awful they act.

Yes, phone in my possession and kid acting like a total ass.

I have an 8th grader who is a dream about phone use. My second, who is in 5th, and doesn’t even have a phone yet, is going to cause me no end of problems. I can see it already. Closely following this thread.

Reset the iTunes password and set it do she can’t download any apps w/out the password. She’ll have to come to you to add an app each time. You approve it or not. Simple.

We’ve gone in circles with DS, who is a HS junior.

Take away the phone and let her detox for a couple weeks. I am always surprised how much nicer my kid is without it. She will kick and scream and tell you her life is over. But, you will see a big improvement in a couple days. Flip phones work fine to call you for a ride.

I do believe that iPhones are addictive and some kids, like my DS, have trouble regulating themselves. And need help learning. My DD OTOH is a freshman, and has never had issues with the iPhone. So, she has fewer rules and restrictions.

Lock down the iPhone. There is a setting built into the phone where they need your permission to download an app. If one of my kids wants to add an app, I get a pop up and have to approve it.

The new Screentime feature is also nice. I set the downtime from my phone, and it locks after, say, 8 at night until 7 the next morning. It also lets me limit them to a set amount of social media time, entertainment time, games, etc. per day, then it blocks those apps. I can also see from my phone how long each app was accessed. If they are not home, they can request an extension and I get a pop up on my phone.

Non-negotiable: phones charge on our dresser at night. If it doesn’t, or they “forget,” the kid can’t take it to school the next day.

Also non-negotiable: we removed the internet browser from the iPhone. So DS is limited to the apps we approve and can’t get into other interweb trouble. DD has the browser on her phone, because she has not used her phone to ahhmmm... access porn. More than once. Or twice *facepalm*

Also non-negotiable: I have thumb print access to phones, and kids know that I can and will check behind them. In reality, I don’t very often. And texting has not been a problem with my kids, so I rarely do more than quickly skim texts.

I realize this seems very hard as. Especially for a 16 year old. And I don’t like to make rules ipthat aren’t needed. And my kids usually have freedom up to the point they have shown they can’t handle it. For whatever reason, DS manages his freedom well everywhere else, but is a disaster with the iPhone. So rules.

OP, they have upgraded the tools on the iPhone, with parental controls, and especially screentime. It saves a lot of arguments if the phone automatically locks at a certain time, and you don’t have to chase the kid down and take it. Also, your kid can’t Snapchat from a phone without the app. And does not have a God given right to an iPhone. She’s a minor. Presumably, you pay for it. Take it away if rules are broken.

OP— iPhone use has been, by far, the hardest part of parenting DS. Who is a great kid otherwise. So I have enormous sympathy. But, at some point, you need to parent up. All the rules in the world are useless if you don’t enforce them.

Mine knows...I pay for the phone there is zero expectation of privacy. There is no social media. Put the Life360 App on it, you can shut down apps remotely if needed.

I echo many previous posters but want to add that you shouldn't assume under classmen in high school are any better at regulating phone use or appropriate social media posting. You should continue checking the phone.