Anonymous wrote:I don't complain about my single-mom status, but a lot of friends with kids say this to me. It's meant as a compliment and not to point out your single status. Take is as such

Anonymous wrote:Of course implicit in "I don't know how you do it" is that the situation semi-sucks!!!! Who wants to hear that?

Does anyone say "I don't know how you do it" to someone embarking on a relaxing beach vacation or to someone with an awesome husband/dad-of-the-year type? No, they sure as hell don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

This.

I also find it interesting when people receive feedback that "I don't know how you do it" lands a certain way, the immediate response of most people is to tell you to get over it and it's a compliment. Maybe try considering how the statement lands to someone who is actually hearing it.

I am the first quoted poster here. It’s smart to consider how things land; it’s at least just as smart to also consider intent. I definitely never said get over it or anything similar in tone and did consider. The poster with the special needs child makes a really great point and I can understand that perspective completely. To me it is a bit different, from my perspective. Saying to OP I don’t know how you do it is more situational - “it” is a situation, being sole parent, and applies to similar situations like a single parent, military spouse, etc. Saying I don’t know how you do it to a SN parent doesn’t seem situational but instead is personal - “it” is supposed to be your child?!? That I can see clearly as offensive, whether intended that way or not. The situational one is not so obviously offensive to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

This.

I also find it interesting when people receive feedback that "I don't know how you do it" lands a certain way, the immediate response of most people is to tell you to get over it and it's a compliment. Maybe try considering how the statement lands to someone who is actually hearing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their dad *lives* overseas?

I’m assuming this is the poster who separated in a different country and her XDH lives there still. He apparently cheated on her.

The only answer is “you are awesome”.

Yes that’s me. So glad I left, by the way!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their dad *lives* overseas?

I’m assuming this is the poster who separated in a different country and her XDH lives there still. He apparently cheated on her.

The only answer is “you are awesome”.

Yes that’s me. So glad I left, by the way!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you’re overthinking? If I said this to someone such as yourself, it would mean I tried a small taste of your everyday and found it very challenging and I am giving you respect and credit for doing something without complaint that I found hard, that you are an awesome mom. I don’t think an answer is required since it isn’t really a question. A response, also not needed but could be a simple thank you. Or maybe it doesn’t feel hard to you because it is your usual. Or some days are easier than others. I don’t understand what is difficult in this exchange, being genuine not snarky.

NP. I'm not OP, but I have a special needs kid, and sometimes when people make comments like "I can't imagine how you do it!" it's off putting and isolating. Like, my life must suck so much they can't even imagine it, except to be glad they are not me.

If someone is genuinely noticing that my life must be hard what would be nicer is if they could just file that amazing revelation away quietly in their own head and reach out to help instead.

But people who think they are giving a compliment are likely to disagree with this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their dad *lives* overseas?

I’m assuming this is the poster who separated in a different country and her XDH lives there still. He apparently cheated on her.

The only answer is “you are awesome”.